Friday, June 17, 2011

Yes... for the 57th time... I AM only carrying ONE CHILD.

OOOOOhhhhhh boy... i am READY to have this baby! well... almost. my HOUSE isn't ready, but my poor feet and hips certainly are! There are honestly fears, however, that i am praying to conquer before coming face to face with my new little man... the biggest being "How in the world am i going to share my time, energy, and love with this new little person that is coming into my life when i am SO in love with Nathaniel?"

Yes, i'm trying to figure out how i could ever love another child the way i love my first son, Nathaniel...

i have to believe that other moms on the verge of becoming a mom of 2 have also had the same thought run through their mind at least once... for a split second... right? I just honestly really wonder if the same amazing, all-consuming, and all-inhabiting love and adoration that i felt the moment i held nathaniel for the first time will wash over be AGAIN for this new little boy God has blessed me with... i can't fathom loving another child the same way! My mom assures me that i will... but different. She has constantly said "I love you and carly the same amount... but in a different way... and thats how it will be with you and nathaniel and this new baby!"... still, it's hard for me to imagine.

None the less, i can't wait to kiss this new baby's sweet cheeks and hold him and he snuggles against me. :) It could easily be any day now, as i'm measuring 40 weeks! I'm anxious to start this new chapter in our family's life... and even more anxious to get my ankles back! ;)

little update... That chance at a recruiting position is once again UNavailable. :S I guess though they are starting to hire recruiters all over the US, they are NOT in DesMoines. *sigh* It is a severe disappointment for Justin, and for me as well to be honest... but i have to trust that God closed that door for a reason... :S This does me though that in Aug. or Sept., Justin will be gone for another 2 weeks at least for more training in NY (not required, but highly encouraged since he's new to his rate -aka job in the military), and then we're facing another deployment in 2012. Even the thought sends a little panic through me as it makes me wonder if i'm going to have to put off school AGAIN. i honestly don't think i'll be able to parent 2 young children on my own, AND go to school full time at Central... The annoying thing is with the military, they can't even give you a clue as to WHEN in 2012 this deployment might take place. If it's early 2012, that would require me to take the 2nd semester of my Junior year off... while if it's late 2012, then it would require me to start my Senior year late... i don't think either one is better than the other... but it would at least be nice to know and kinda be able to discuss with my academic adviser! :S Oh the JOYS of military life... even in the part time military! i thought we were going to escape this kind of uncertainty once we went reserve... HA! Silly me!!!! ;)

I am thoroughly enjoying my summer though... lots of time at the pool, and time simply enjoying my son! :) Though my feet are about 2x the size of what they SHOULD be, which keeps me from those evening walks and long bike rides i would normally be enjoying, i'm waddling around as much as my feet and hips allow, and am making the most of it. :) I simply enjoy being able to PLAY with nathaniel without feeling like i SHOULD be reading or writing a paper! Times like these make me wonder if simply being a full-time momma wouldn't be so terrible... though, unless we got back in the military... it WOULD be terrible for our bank account. :P

Ah, to be a grown up... not NEAR as much fun as i thought it would be... some days anyways. ;)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

i'm pregnant... it's 1am... i should be in bed.

i survived! i'm so excited! :) May was a crazy month, starting out with a horrible case of food poisoning (darn you, stupid Panda Garden!)... leading into finals, Women of Faith, a TEST of faith, nerves over test scores and my GPA, and then finally a release of much worry and stress... praise God... truly... that i survived.

Finals went ok... i didn't feel outstanding, but i ended up with a 3.5 GPA, which i am THRILLED with. This last semester was very stressful, as at mid-school year, i was told i would need to seriously consider another career route because my adviser didn't believe i could bring my major's GPA up enough to student teach in another year. I left his office feeling like a failure... weeping to my mom over the phone because i have never seriously considered doing anything BUT teaching... it's just what i know that God created me to do. i was angry at my adviser for not having faith in me, for treating me as a failure already, for not encouraging me- but for simply throwing up his hands and basically telling me i couldn't do it... i was angry at myself mostly though. All i could think were things like

"You should have never believed that you were smart enough to make it at Central College."

"Who are you to think you could really make a difference within the public school system?"

"You're good for nothing but staying home and doing the dishes and laundry... you CAN'T do anything else."

"You messed up... shouldn't have gotten married and had a child if you actually wanted to finish school! You can't be a mom AND a student, Anna..."

"If (so-and-so) and (so-and-so) can do it... why can't you?"

i felt completely defeated. i felt confused. What did God want me to do? i wasn't sure... and am still unsure, as i'm still a long ways away from being certified... but i pulled myself up by my bootstraps, prayed for strength, energy, and help... and about killed myself. but God pushed me through and i made it with great grades... and a GPA that would qualify me to student teach. Now i just have to KEEP it up!

I could tell that Satan was really trying to bring me down though... he was throwing everything at me... food poisoning, but more than that... he attacked my marriage. he attacked it big. and it about had me going over the edge.

there are so many things that could be said about this attack... so many fears exposed... but what good would it do? I must simply go from here... trusting that my God is leading me... and is working in situations that i have to surrender control over... and that He loves me.

I guess the point to this rambling is this... God totally came through for me with my GPA... and He got me through my first year at Central... now, only 2 more years.

But for now... a few things need my attention. I only have 4 more weeks to soak up all the moments i can with my little boy before i have to think about sharing my time with another little one. I'm 36 weeks today. things are almost ready for our new little one's arrival... and i'm excited! :)

The chance for Justin to get a recruiting position has come up once again... and we're going for it. I'm undecided in how i feel about the idea of being active military once again... though the perks are certainly out-weighing the cons right now. As of now, if he were to stay with his Navy Reserve unit... he would be shipping out for a 6-12month deployment in late 2012... which would be smack-dab in the middle of my senior year at Central. Deployment alone brings so many fears and worries for me, as our first deployment was possibly the worst 8 months of my life... add being a mother of 2, being a full-time student in her senior year? Lord, have mercy! BUT... if he were to get this recruiting position... he would not be deployed any time soon. um... YES, PLEASE! Plus, the pay is much better... which we desperately need at the moment. Free healthcare (basically). And Justin would be HAPPY again... because as much as he says he DOESN'T resent me asking him to get out of the military so i could finish my education at Central and have more babies and be close to my family... i know he is unhappy not being a sailor, being stuck in small-town Iowa, in a factory job that has an uncertain direction. *sigh* SO... i am going to follow God's lead... Justin is applying for the job, and we are going to see what God does with that... and THEN i will pray for the attitude and strength needed to live with whatever direction that leads us.

pray for us. :S

Well... thats about it for this long update... sorry. maybe i will try to blog more often, so that my one blog a month isn't so LOOOOOOONG. :S lol