1000 miles in my shoes...

NaNoWriMo... am i crazy? yes, yes i am.

2011-10-31T00:42:00.002-04:00

with all the mundane writing that i'm required to write for school, there are many times where i feel that i completely lack a creative outlet. One that i truly can throw myself into. if i had the space, maybe scrapbooking. if i had the money, maybe piano lessons. I journal, and i write here every once in awhile... though, nothing really draws me to this blog. :S So when i heard about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), something that ANYONE can participate in... (not just those who get paid to write books, or even those who hope to get published), i was drawn to this idea.

See, back when i was about 14, i became completely obsessed with the "Left Behind: The Kids" book series, and actually started my own version of the same story line. I wrote over 300 pages of fiction... i couldn't actually peruse anything using that material for obvious reasons (SAME exact idea that came for my favorite, already-published, book series), but i would write for hours... my heart would race... and i loved the feeling that i could take my characters any direction i wanted... if i wanted more romance, i could do that. If i wanted there to be a sudden turn of events that made a previously loyal character turn into the nemesis, i could throw that in there. i LOVED it. Since then... since i discovered that i could enjoy WRITING as much as i enjoyed reading, and that i was capable of writing over 300 pages... i've played with idea of writing more. Especially now that i'm an adult. I'm thinking that participating in NaNoWriMo might give me the reason and motivation to write again.

The question then comes up... what about school? what about being a mom? well... if i don't make the 50,000 word goal at the end, no one knows but me... and i'll have gotten a good start on something, maybe... and who says that i have to stop at the end of November?

ok, so then what to write about? things personal to my life... high school heartbreak? a whirlwind romance? the experiences of motherhood? Navy life? Surviving deployment? Growing up in a small town? Obviously these things wouldn't be difficult to write about since i LIVED them... emotions are easy to tap into, and i basically just write memories. But what if i let me imagination go a little? what if i write about a life i WISH i had? Travel, adventure, passionate romance (well... i've got a little of that, i have to admit ;)

i've got tonight and tomorrow to think about it... but because it's not like i have a publisher waiting on a book about a specific topic... maybe i'll free-fall it... just sit down and write... and whatever comes out i'll call my "novel". hm.

this shall be an adventure, i think... at least it's something a bit more productive to do in my free time rather than just watch tv, play on facebook, or zone out on pinterest... right? :)

***If you'd like to check out NaNoWriMo for yourself... click HERE***

Introducing...

2011-07-11T19:03:00.002-04:00

Weston Eugene Schaefer

Weston joined us in the world on Friday morning, July 1st (his actual due date!), at 10:52am.
He weighed in at a whopping 10lbs. and was 21" long

He's every picture of perfection, and we all seem to be adjusting to our new little family member fairly well! We did come to realize that Justin's little Accord wouldn't allow room for a car seat, SO we've had to purchase a different vehicle in order to accommodate the growing family. Thankfully, God came through BIG TIME, and basically dropped a great vehicle and deal into our laps!

I hope to be able to sit and type out Weston's birth story using this blog soon!

Many changes look to be coming our way...

Yes... for the 57th time... I AM only carrying ONE CHILD.

2011-06-17T23:44:00.006-04:00

OOOOOhhhhhh boy... i am READY to have this baby! well... almost. my HOUSE isn't ready, but my poor feet and hips certainly are! There are honestly fears, however, that i am praying to conquer before coming face to face with my new little man... the biggest being "How in the world am i going to share my time, energy, and love with this new little person that is coming into my life when i am SO in love with Nathaniel?"

Yes, i'm trying to figure out how i could ever love another child the way i love my first son, Nathaniel...

i have to believe that other moms on the verge of becoming a mom of 2 have also had the same thought run through their mind at least once... for a split second... right? I just honestly really wonder if the same amazing, all-consuming, and all-inhabiting love and adoration that i felt the moment i held nathaniel for the first time will wash over be AGAIN for this new little boy God has blessed me with... i can't fathom loving another child the same way! My mom assures me that i will... but different. She has constantly said "I love you and carly the same amount... but in a different way... and thats how it will be with you and nathaniel and this new baby!"... still, it's hard for me to imagine.

None the less, i can't wait to kiss this new baby's sweet cheeks and hold him and he snuggles against me. :) It could easily be any day now, as i'm measuring 40 weeks! I'm anxious to start this new chapter in our family's life... and even more anxious to get my ankles back! ;)

little update... That chance at a recruiting position is once again UNavailable. :S I guess though they are starting to hire recruiters all over the US, they are NOT in DesMoines. *sigh* It is a severe disappointment for Justin, and for me as well to be honest... but i have to trust that God closed that door for a reason... :S This does me though that in Aug. or Sept., Justin will be gone for another 2 weeks at least for more training in NY (not required, but highly encouraged since he's new to his rate -aka job in the military), and then we're facing another deployment in 2012. Even the thought sends a little panic through me as it makes me wonder if i'm going to have to put off school AGAIN. i honestly don't think i'll be able to parent 2 young children on my own, AND go to school full time at Central... The annoying thing is with the military, they can't even give you a clue as to WHEN in 2012 this deployment might take place. If it's early 2012, that would require me to take the 2nd semester of my Junior year off... while if it's late 2012, then it would require me to start my Senior year late... i don't think either one is better than the other... but it would at least be nice to know and kinda be able to discuss with my academic adviser! :S Oh the JOYS of military life... even in the part time military! i thought we were going to escape this kind of uncertainty once we went reserve... HA! Silly me!!!! ;)

I am thoroughly enjoying my summer though... lots of time at the pool, and time simply enjoying my son! :) Though my feet are about 2x the size of what they SHOULD be, which keeps me from those evening walks and long bike rides i would normally be enjoying, i'm waddling around as much as my feet and hips allow, and am making the most of it. :) I simply enjoy being able to PLAY with nathaniel without feeling like i SHOULD be reading or writing a paper! Times like these make me wonder if simply being a full-time momma wouldn't be so terrible... though, unless we got back in the military... it WOULD be terrible for our bank account. :P

Ah, to be a grown up... not NEAR as much fun as i thought it would be... some days anyways. ;)

i'm pregnant... it's 1am... i should be in bed.

2011-06-04T02:09:00.002-04:00

i survived! i'm so excited! :) May was a crazy month, starting out with a horrible case of food poisoning (darn you, stupid Panda Garden!)... leading into finals, Women of Faith, a TEST of faith, nerves over test scores and my GPA, and then finally a release of much worry and stress... praise God... truly... that i survived.

Finals went ok... i didn't feel outstanding, but i ended up with a 3.5 GPA, which i am THRILLED with. This last semester was very stressful, as at mid-school year, i was told i would need to seriously consider another career route because my adviser didn't believe i could bring my major's GPA up enough to student teach in another year. I left his office feeling like a failure... weeping to my mom over the phone because i have never seriously considered doing anything BUT teaching... it's just what i know that God created me to do. i was angry at my adviser for not having faith in me, for treating me as a failure already, for not encouraging me- but for simply throwing up his hands and basically telling me i couldn't do it... i was angry at myself mostly though. All i could think were things like

"You should have never believed that you were smart enough to make it at Central College."

"Who are you to think you could really make a difference within the public school system?"

"You're good for nothing but staying home and doing the dishes and laundry... you CAN'T do anything else."

"You messed up... shouldn't have gotten married and had a child if you actually wanted to finish school! You can't be a mom AND a student, Anna..."

"If (so-and-so) and (so-and-so) can do it... why can't you?"

i felt completely defeated. i felt confused. What did God want me to do? i wasn't sure... and am still unsure, as i'm still a long ways away from being certified... but i pulled myself up by my bootstraps, prayed for strength, energy, and help... and about killed myself. but God pushed me through and i made it with great grades... and a GPA that would qualify me to student teach. Now i just have to KEEP it up!

I could tell that Satan was really trying to bring me down though... he was throwing everything at me... food poisoning, but more than that... he attacked my marriage. he attacked it big. and it about had me going over the edge.

there are so many things that could be said about this attack... so many fears exposed... but what good would it do? I must simply go from here... trusting that my God is leading me... and is working in situations that i have to surrender control over... and that He loves me.

I guess the point to this rambling is this... God totally came through for me with my GPA... and He got me through my first year at Central... now, only 2 more years.

But for now... a few things need my attention. I only have 4 more weeks to soak up all the moments i can with my little boy before i have to think about sharing my time with another little one. I'm 36 weeks today. things are almost ready for our new little one's arrival... and i'm excited! :)

The chance for Justin to get a recruiting position has come up once again... and we're going for it. I'm undecided in how i feel about the idea of being active military once again... though the perks are certainly out-weighing the cons right now. As of now, if he were to stay with his Navy Reserve unit... he would be shipping out for a 6-12month deployment in late 2012... which would be smack-dab in the middle of my senior year at Central. Deployment alone brings so many fears and worries for me, as our first deployment was possibly the worst 8 months of my life... add being a mother of 2, being a full-time student in her senior year? Lord, have mercy! BUT... if he were to get this recruiting position... he would not be deployed any time soon. um... YES, PLEASE! Plus, the pay is much better... which we desperately need at the moment. Free healthcare (basically). And Justin would be HAPPY again... because as much as he says he DOESN'T resent me asking him to get out of the military so i could finish my education at Central and have more babies and be close to my family... i know he is unhappy not being a sailor, being stuck in small-town Iowa, in a factory job that has an uncertain direction. *sigh* SO... i am going to follow God's lead... Justin is applying for the job, and we are going to see what God does with that... and THEN i will pray for the attitude and strength needed to live with whatever direction that leads us.

pray for us. :S

Well... thats about it for this long update... sorry. maybe i will try to blog more often, so that my one blog a month isn't so LOOOOOOONG. :S lol

FINAL blog for class! WEEEEE!!!!

2011-05-11T18:16:00.000-04:00

well, as the year comes to an end, i've been asked to kind of give an overview of the technology i've learned about and the ones i plan to use in my classroom someday (an exciting thought! EEK!)

First off, for sure Wordle! LOVE IT! way easy, and way fun! I think it will be a non-intimidating way for students to get to know each other, and a non-overwhelming way to introduce new subjects to my class. :)

Also, will be using Pandora, to kinda lighten the mood during group time in my class... like if i were to assign groups and tell them to design posters or discuss certain topics, i would most likely have music playing lightly in the background. :)

i'm already hooked on freerice.com, and i've got Justin playing it too! I think this is such a neat idea! It would be kinda cool to use this in the classroom as a competition... like "Over Spring Break, see who can earn the most rice, or get to the highest level" kinda thing!

Edmodo is another tool i will most likely use... a facebook-style classroom page where students can connect with me and other students in the class. LOVE IT! Very student-friendly!

I also plan on using "clickers" a lot in my class... again, i think this is a very student-friendly, non-threatening way to get my student's opinions, and get them to share personal information... like "How many students are from divorced homes?" or "How many students drink?" which would in turn be compared to the national average. These were exactly the questions asked in my Developmental Psych class, and because we used clickers, i think everyone felt comfortable actually being honest... and once they saw they weren't the ONLY ONES sexually active, or drinking, or from abusive homes, it made them feel like they could then turn and vocally share in large group discussion! LOVE IT!

The idea of using a webquest is also another MUST! SO many different ways to do one, and so many different topics to explore using one! :)

These were my favorites, but there were SO MANY other tools that i want to continue to explore and get to know... with technology changing so fast, i'm sure by the time i'm actually teaching (hopefully only 2 more years *sigh*) that there will be even MORE great tools for me to utilize! :) I've enjoyed this class, in all honesty, though i'm not the most techno-savvy. ;) This class has certainly helped prepare me to teach in this new technological world we live in! Thanks Prof. Day! ;)

...The Web Quest Challenge...

2011-05-03T21:51:00.002-04:00

For my Introduction to Instructional Tech. we've been working on whats called "Web Quests"... which is basically an online scavenger hunt that a teacher designs for their students. They have themes, and then present a specific process through which students are meant to follow in order to meet the assignment's requirements. It can be as in-depth, or as basic as the teachers wishes to make it... which has a lot to do with what age they are teaching.

I was assigned to design my own Web Quest... based on the age i want to teach, and the subject i am studying to teach. I am planning to teach secondary school, which means i could be teaching anything from 9th to 12th grade, and i'm studying Social Science and focusing on U.S. History, World History, and Psychology. Because i'm mostly studying history, i choose to focus my Web Quest on the Holocaust. I then had to build an entire quest around it... this included an introduction, an explanation of the process i wanted them to follow, directions, questions for my students to find answers to, the website links that held those answers, a conclusion, and a rubric by which i would grade them. It was HUGE. i think mine ended up being close to 7 pages long! A lot of this was because of the 40+ questions i included, a map i included for reference, and the rubric table. *sigh* Though, as much of a pain as it was to think up, organize, write, and design, after it was done, i'm actually pretty proud of it! I hope it earns a good grade. :) I present it TOMORROW... :S EEK!

The Technology Gender Devide

2011-04-18T11:26:00.002-04:00

Today we talked about using technology in class... safety issues, ethical issues, Fair use (concerning what is considered copyrighted and such), and Copyright laws. During the period of time of talking about ethical issues we talked also about the Gender Devide, and about how for most high school computer classes, there was a 4:1 ratio of males to females enrolled.

Though i agree that every female SHOULD have the right and ability to use and explore technology, i simply believe that most females would simply CHOOSE to have more personal relationships, and more emotionally rewarding careers because of female's naturally more emotional genetic make-up. I'm not saying every female, but the majority. When i googled the female to male ratio at MIT, i found this article: "Male/Female Enrollment Patterns in EECS at MIT and Other Schools" It states that females "accounted for only 22% of the degrees in Electrical Engineering. In Computer Science, women accounted for only 15% of the degrees awarded--the lowest ratio of any MIT undergraduate program with more than a few majors.", while in other areas they accounted for about 32% of degrees awarded. Still.... less than half.

Now as a future teacher, i really couldn't care less if ALL my female students wanted to become computer scientists, THATS GREAT... BUT my personal experience tells me that that is not likely. I would encourage any female student to FOR SURE educate themselves on how to bank online, navigate their way around the workings of a computer, and become aware of how to maintenance their computer. But i personally think that most high school girls would MUCH rather go shopping, join a softball team, hang out and talk and look at magazines, and have those face-to-face interactions than sit for hours and take apart their calculators or computers and put them back together, or even sit with friends for hours at a time, eyes glued to a tv screen, and talking via head-set. Men simply don't NEED that relational, emotional connection like women do. This IS coming from a wife that has had 3 men piled into my living room for 24hr. gaming marathons... so granted, i could be a bit bitter. ;) But as i have observed my husband, as well as my sister's boyfriend... MANY times they have chosen video-gaming, computer-building, and computer-involved activities, RATHER than time outdoors, sports, productive work around the house, and time with family. Personal observations that ran through my mind during class... :)

Class Activities Monday, April 4th

2011-04-04T11:29:00.002-04:00

today in class we're exploring 2.0 Web Tools... and i've found LOTS of cool sites!

One of my favorites is FreeRice.com, where you basically just play a game to earn bowls of rice that are then donated to hungry people all over the world! now when i first opened it up, it automatically went to a vocab-themed quizing game, which i loved (and rocked at)! And in a matter of about 10 minutes, i was able to win and donate 1000 grains of rice! I LOVE this! Easy and fun way to make a difference! Check it out HERE!

Another fun thing i could use in my classroom is this White House Scavenger Hunt... found HERE

I could also basically make my own for different websites, with a lot more questions! This could be used as a class/group activity to do in class, as a take-home quiz/homework, or if a made a really big one with really hard questions, i MIGHT do it as a take-home test! WAY good idea, i think!

CNET News also did an article on the year's 100 Webware Tools WINNERS... found HERE which talks about all the different and most popular tools that can be used and found on the internet, most of them for free! As a future teacher, i think it's important that i at least be familiar with these. Personally, i already use a lot of them... such as Facebook (social network), Picnik (online photo-editing program), Pandora (customizable radio station), Craigslist (online buy/sell/trade site), as well as YouTube (online video-sharing site). For sure YouTube could be used in the classroom, as well as Google or GoogleChrome and other search engines. Loving all these new tools that i'm learning to integrate into my classroom! :)

personal update just a little bit busy!

2011-04-02T11:02:00.005-04:00

A few things have happened these past few weeks that indicate that i am maybe just a little bit crazy. Twice now when people ask what i've been up to i've replied honestly... "Going to school full-time at Central, 27 weeks along in pregnancy #2, working part time at a photography studio, running around after my 3 year old... staying busy, ya know?" hahaha! i guess that response deserves a few funny looks! Many times i just get the response "Wow.", to which i can't really argue, because they don't even know the half of it! lol

But as i mentioned, i'm still going to school full-time at Central College... it's slightly (or not-so-slightly) overwhelming most of the time, but i feel good knowing that i'm getting closer and closer to being done and having a college degree! I have an Environmental History and Policy class that i'm doing ok in, a Modern Latin America class that is NOT fun, a Human Relations class that is speeding up (lots of things due in the next few weeks!), a Developmental Psych class that is fun and interesting, and then that Intro. to Instructional Tech. class that i'm actually involving my blog in! :) Have any of you peeked at my Voki or Wordle? lol I've enrolled for next fall's classes, none of which i'm REALLY excited about. But at this point, i just want to get classes DONE and i need to keep my GPA up. :S eek! Only 6 more weeks of school!

then we can move on to the next big event for our family...

I'm now 27 weeks pregnant... and things are progressing quite uneventfully. This is the last week of my 3rd trimester, which is hard to believe! I'm getting more and more tired as i haul myself around... stairs are my worst nightmare at this point. lol Swelling isn't too bad so far, thankfully! And neither is weight, surprisingly! At 25weeks i had only gained 7lbs! I'm pretty proud of that, taking into consideration that i gained 40lbs with Nate! :S i don't want to get even CLOSE to that this time around! :S EEK! We've moved Nate to a big boy bed, and moved the crib into our room... though we need to fix a few things on it. :S I've only bought a few things... a pack 'b play, a few little outfits, some burp clothes, and some new bedding. I'm excited for when school is done and i can focus on getting ready for baby! :) only 13 more weeks until baby is due!!!!! :D We've basically picked a name... but i'm still kinda hoping for "Noah". Justin is in love with "Weston" though, so we might be stuck with that. lol

I'm still working at Digital Galleria Designs (which, by the way, now has their own blog! :) Click HERE to check us out! It's fun to be back at work, and i'm taking advantage of the time i have there, as after June i no longer will be a formal employee there because of baby and my need to focus on school! :S It's a bummer, but my awesome boss was great about telling me i was welcome back through the summers, or anytime in the future! I'm so glad! i certainly do love taking pictures, and learning new things... the GPA is just demanding more attention. UGH. :( But i'm looking forward to getting maternity pictures taken within the next couple months, and then taking baby in there for pictures once he's here! ;) I wouldn't want to go anywhere else, thats for sure! :)

Nate turned THREE on March 21st! I can't believe it!!!!! He is getting so smart, and loves anything to do with John Deere, Thomas and Friends, or being outside! I don't think he really "gets" that he's going to be a big brother, but i think he'll be good at it. :) For his birthday we did a Thomas the Tank Engine theme, and with the help of my sister we made a cupcake train! it turned out SO CUTE! My sis is just so talented! I was so thankful for her help!

Nate loved it! We had so many people here, and honestly there were many people who we didn't get to invite because of the limited space in our little house. :S SOME DAY, we hope to be able to fit ALL the people we love into our little home! :) Nate was spoiled ROTTEN this year with the gifts he received! And Great-Grandma and Grandpa even made him a special Thomas cake! It turned out great! Can't believe my little man is growing up so fast! I love watching his personality develop, though! He certainly makes every day fun and interesting! ;)

VOKI

2011-03-30T11:49:00.001-04:00

Wordle

2011-03-30T11:22:00.004-04:00

This is whats called a "Wordle"... it's a free tool online that allows you to make sort of "word clouds". There are many ways in which you could use this in your classroom... such as introducing a new topic/person, as a biography, highlighting topics of a book, and the list goes on! I really like this tool, and used it to simply put together a "ME" wordle. My wordle includes words/things that i'm involved in! I might have to do another one filled with words more about :WHO I AM", instead of "WHAT I RUN MYSELF RAGGED DOING IN MY LIFE"! HA!

*it's a tad blurry, but when i saved it to my computer it was just the thumbnail size. :S

You can find this tool at www.wordle.net It's a fun little thing!

this is also a code supplied on the website... not sure if it'll give you an image, or just a link to the website... either way, ENJOY!

title="Wordle: ANNA's BLOG"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/3385570/ANNA%27s_BLOG"
alt="Wordle: ANNA's BLOG"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

change of pace...

2011-03-29T22:40:00.002-04:00

well, my poor little blog has suffered for quite awhile due to my overwhelming school/work/LIFE schedule... but for the next 7 weeks or so, it'll have more posts, though some might not be too interested. lol As part of a Instructional Technology class i'm in, we are to blog about our thoughts concerning things we're learning and different tools we're becoming familiar with. Thus, my posts will be all about things i can use in my future classroom! Which to ME is exciting, but to many of my readers... (ok. all 17 of you)... might not be near as riveting. But bare with me... i'll try to include a little about my personal life.

My first assignment was to read an article about the "Top 10 Web Tools for Teachers" and blog about my thoughts, specifically about tools mentioned in the article that i will want to use someday!

the first tool that caught my eye was Edmodo (www.edmodo.com)... a free (weeee!!!!!) online classroom management tool. Many colleges use sites a lot like this (for example- blackboard or web advisor), but from looking at Edmodo, it seems that this site is much more student-friendly, as it has a facebook feel. As a secondary teacher, this would be especially helpful, as many of my student will be more technologically savvy and some may miss class fairly often during certain parts of the year (like wrestling or football season). Personally, i can see this also helping ME keep things organized and available to my students. It'll also make it so none of my students will have the flimsy excuse of "I didn't know that was assigned on thursday!"... they'll have every assignment, link, and video viewed in class available to them 24/7! I LIKE IT! :)

Other tools mentioned were Chatzy (chatzy.com) and TodaysMeet (todaysmeet.com), which are free private chat rooms that can be monitored by a teacher. The example given for the use of these websites was that students would be able to chat instantly during class while they watch videos, or presentations in order to get clarification or discuss the topic. I am not as excited about this tool, as i worry about the amount of attention that will be taken away from what is ACTUALLY being presented to the students, and the amount of class interaction, which i believe to be important. Instead, i would think it better to ask my students to take notes during the presentations or videos, and require each student have at least one question to ask/discuss afterward. I might experiment with these tools, but it would for sure be a trial-basis thing.

PollEverywhere.com is another tool showcased, and this grabs my attention a bit more. I like the idea of being able to get the opinions of my students in an anonymous way. We've used this sort of thing in some of my Education classes at Central College in the form of "clickers" which are linked to the teacher's slideshow. I like this because it gives the students both a sense of privacy, while still being able to share, AND see that they are not the only ones feeling a certain way, the only ones at a certain point of understanding, or the only one to have experienced something.

Learning about these new tools makes me very excited to be able to get into a classroom! :) only 2 more years! :)

Thanks for reading! if it weren't so late, i'd update you all... but, it's about 50min. past my bedtime!

2010 in Review...

2010-12-31T18:23:00.003-05:00

January... we were about 6 months into Justin's deployment on the USS Nimitz, i was working on the house in preparation for justin's return home in March, was going to school at a near-by community college, and was working...

February... 7 months in, totally in panic mood to get justin's "Man Cave" done, still in school and working, celebrated Valentines day by hanging out with my mom. Justin sent me pretty roses, and Nathaniel and i had colored pictures and sent cards to Justin beforehand. :)

March- Nathaniel turned 2 years old the day before Justin flew into Des Moines after his 8 month deployment, the man cave was done, i was still going to school and working. Justin spent almost an entire month at home with us, which was such a blessing, as we simply could not get enough of him. :)

April- Because Justin was able to stay with us until mid-april, we were able to celebrate our Savior's defeat over death together... Easter. :) What a blessed time together! After he left, it was back to nate and i living our own little life here in Iowa with deep anicipation for justin's permanent return home in July. The Oskaloosa Prom was this month, and it being my baby sister's senior year, i played her personal paparazzi, and followed her around the whole day!

May- may brought the end of my school year at Indian Hills Comm. College, thank God! I continued to work, and work a little on the house. But mostly i was busy trying to help my mother get things around to celebrate my sister's graduation. I also celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. :)

June- late may/early june i left for about 4 days in Virginia with Justin. his ship hosted a family day cruise, so i used that as an excuse to go spend time with him! i simply couldn't wait another month before seeing him! It was a great time! I enjoyed time off from school by spending as much time as possible simply playing with my son, and spending time with my family. I loved it! Also went to the midnight showing of Twilight Eclipse with my sister and cousin. Late June i flew to Virginia to say goodbye to friends, and to close that chapter in Justin and I's life together as i brought him HOME. :)

July- July 3rd, Justin and i drove into our driveway, bringing a close to our 15 month seperation. What an amazing feeling! I actually LOVED seeing his dirty underwear and socks littering the bathroom floor... but only for about a month, then it was just annoying. lol We celebrated the 4th of July with family, justin basically suffocating from hugs! Justin had two more paychecks secured from the military, but was able to get a job at Musco here in Oskaloosa, a true answer to A LOT of prayer concerning finding a job in this economy! We went to the fair, as a family and nathaniel thrived off having his daddy home! He changed in so many good ways!

August- I prepared to go back to school, only this time to Central College (my main aim) in Pella, IA. Officially starting my 2nd semester of my sophmore year at 22 years old, i declared a Social Science major, planning on getting my teaching certificate and teach high school history (US and World), along with psychology and possibly coaching. My baby sister also left for school, only at ISU. Justin jumped into work at Musco, and loved it! We packed the last few weeks of freedom with fun though, going to Adventureland, and The Iowa State Fair, as well as celebrating my aunt nona turning 50!

September-With school in full swing, my life became consumed with homework! We celebrated Justin's 23rd birthday, and the New Sharon Homecoming (as my cousin is now a senior! eek!)! I was also very busy at work with senior pictures, and already gearing up for the holiday picture season!

October- homework continued, and we celebrated my 23rd birthday! It was a busy busy month with my birthday, the Navy ball that justin and i attended, a visit to Carol's Pumpkin Farm, Holloween (for which we all dressed up for!). On October 19th, Justin and i also found out that we will be expected out next little baby Schaefer! We had been trying for about 3 months, and are VERY excited!

November- this month brought overwhelming homework, and work... so fall break (which overflowed with homework anyways) and Thanksgiving were welcome relaxation days!

December- Homework took over my life for the first 2 weeks or so, as we wrapped up the semester! i enrolled in classes for next semester, in which i will start my JUNIOR year! only 2 more years until i'm done! :) Justin and i took Nathaniel to the Oskaloosa Christmas Parade, and celebrated my Grandpa's birthday! Once break began, i only then began to be able to prepare for Christmas and went on a shopping day with my family! Christmas went by far too quickly, but was filled with LOTS of laughter, and family time! I'VE LOVED IT! We are now, at this moment, getting ready to walk out the door to ring in the new year with family and friends! What an up and down year! i am now 14 weeks pregnant, and am due July 1st! Personally, i am hoping for a girl, so am thinking *PINK* thoughts!

Goodbye 2010... you were pretty good to me and my family!

2011... i have a feeling you're gonna be filled with lots of stuff... hoping for more joy than tears! I am really looking forward to summer, and welcoming our new baby! as well as simply being able to watch Nate grow! That is the true joy in my life! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

my goodness... it's been far too long...

2010-10-14T11:28:00.002-04:00

the things that have changed! WOW!

Justin is home and i'm loving it. He easily found a job (totally a God thing!!!!!) But now we are again back in limbo because we MIGHT be getting back into the Navy, BUT Justin would be holding a position as a Navy Reserve Recruiter, so it would make it so we could live here for about 5 years without having to event think about moving, which would be nice. So we're waiting waiting... :) whats new?

Our relationship bounced back REALLY well after his move home... we've had a couple small bumps in the road, but nothing that we didn't end up laughing about afterward. :) Nathaniel and Justin's relationship is great as well... Nathaniel has tried to challenge Justin's authority a few times, but he's 2... thats to be expected!!!! lol

I am back in school for the year at Central College, as well as working... AND staying busy with homework, church, and staying connected to my family. You can blame school with my lack of blogging! It's a tad overwhelming this year... though next semester, i don't plan on taking such a heavy load of classes.

But this is where i am now... when i first started this blog my husband was away, i was living in a tiny little apartment, i was searching for a job, i was attending a few classes at a comm. college, and parenting my son on my own. My family is now back together, we own a home, i'm working as a photographer, i'm attending the college i always wanted to be at, and my son is over 2.5 years old!

this is the journey... i hope to be a more active blogger, starting today. Just a little something everyday... homework i'm doing, food i make, song of the day... we'll see. :)

OR... i might be too busy. lol it'll be sporadic. ;)

bittersweet... story of my life.

2010-06-15T00:03:00.002-04:00

well, i got my way... he's coming home. i'm excited beyond words to have him with us again... to go to bed and wake up next to him, cooking dinner together, going to church together, going out with friends as a couple, having him at my side at family events, movie nights, time together... i can't wait.

Justin is happy... but scared almost to the point that it's ruining it. I am choosing every moment to have faith that Justin will find a job... and that somehow we'll get everything covered financially. But i'm relying on my 15 year old faith to do that... justin is a YOUNG Christian... only about 4 years, and not practicing the past 1.5 years really. So justin is scared out of his mind. i hate that, and it's almost pushed me to give in and just let him stay in... but i want my husband back, and Nathaniel needs his daddy back. i do believe that this separation has changed Justin and i's relationship... and in some ways, damaged it. i hate that with all my heart... but i DO believe that Justin and i will work things out. We're both too stubborn to really give in... both VERY against divorce, aside from severe cases, and honestly still very much in love at the core of everything...

even though we've been fighting more than we ever really have in the past month (i blame our fear of getting out... something we'll conquer once he's here and we're together)... we've also had some very sweet conversations via text/email. Remember those cheesy things your hunny said when first trying to win you over... yeah, i got a few... and they worked like a charm. made me giggle like a silly school girl. Like when discussing sleeping arrangements when i fly out to drive with him home (i figured he'd go back to the ship, while i slept on the floor at a friend's house) and he said "I'd sleep better on concrete with you, than alone in a bed.". now come on!!!!!! thats pretty sweet. :) lol

So on Wed., June 30th... i'll be flying out to VA... landing at 12:30am, to be with my Sailor... to close this chapter of our lives TOGETHER. this was important to us to do this together... to leap into the unknown head-first holding hands. He can't legally leave until 12:01am on sat. so i'll be hanging out there for a day or two... but it'll be full of him working, and me spending some time with friends... saying goodbye for now. But then, we'll head home and be home by the 4th of July with our family. How appropriate, huh?

i really don't feel that this is the end of our time with the military... we love it, very very much. but right now... we need to focus on mending our family after this period of separation... i want to get my degree, we want to have another baby, we need to nurse our marriage's wounds, Justin needs to get back on track spiritually, and Nathaniel needs to get to know his daddy again. We need to be a family again before we are ready to live as a military family again. And later, when we try to get back in... if we do or don't... we know that at that point, it will be by GOD'S hand alone... we'll have no part in it. which makes me a lot more comfortable anyways. :)

anyways... 16 days and we'll be together again... no more waking up alone, no more communication restricted by time zones, internet speed, and phone availability... we'll be face to face again. I can't wait...

i'm starting to get a little dizzy...

2010-06-04T10:49:00.002-04:00

all this dang back and forth... have we really been living in this limbo for a year now? you'd think we'd have made a dicision by now! HA! i have a bit more dutch in me than i thought... Justin too apparently. :S

we are still undecided, it feels like... though justin is moving toward getting OUT and going into the Reserves and keeps trying to convince me that he is ok with this... but i'm not happy with him just being "ok". dang it, i want him EXSTATIC that he is finally coming HOME... wouldn't you think that would be the natural repsonce? not so for this man...

ugh... men.

so dang complicated.

I know that it is VERY hard to walk away from this career... and trust me, it's laying on a fresh layer of guilt now that he's made 2nd Class Petty Officer... "half-way to the top!" as justin put it... but dang, i married Justin to SHARE a life with him... not live two seperate ones. and i KNOW it's had an effect on our marriage... when we're together, we're great, SO in love!... but right now, 1000's of miles apart... we don't talk, we don't flirt, we don't tease, and those nice, comfortable silences we used to cuddle during just aren't the same over the phone.

i am trying my hardest to be a good wife... patient, selfless, respectful, submissive, and yet be his PARTNER and let him know what i want... and am constantly trying to remind myself... "Is it REALLY all about what YOU want?", but then i can't help but think... "But how can it be God's will for our family to be split up for another 2 YEARS!?"...

this is rough terrain, ladies and gents... and i just want to move on... i want to know whats ahead...

*giggle*

and i know God just laughed out loud at that last statement... since when has that been part of the deal? I know that whatever path Justin chooses, God will give me the grace to accept and survive through...

BUT I REALLY WANT HIM HOME!

:P

Memorial Day...

2010-05-31T11:37:00.002-04:00

Memorial Day is kind of a big deal to me... and i'm sure you can guess why. no, it's not because it's a day off, or the grills, or swimming... it's far more personal. It's a day this country actually recognizes it's military members... past and present. it's important to me that this takes place... because when i was living out in VA, even though people were far different than the simple, humble, and caring people of Iowa, the entire community had a deep respect and appreciation for it's military. and yes, the community was made up largely BY military members... but i don't think thats why the recognition was so apparent... i really do think that the people who lived there appreciated those military members and their families... they saw up close and personal how much work and dedication it takes by the military family to keep this country moving forward. But out here... yes, we are patriotic, and some families are touched deeply by the sacrifice (like mine... who have had now 4 members serve in only the last 3 generations -my gpa, 2 uncles, and my hubby)... but many times, the military member is not included in the entire feeling of patriotism. They don't seem to GET how hard it is, what it means to spend MONTHS, if not YEARS away from your loved one, and all for this country... to keep it safe, to keep it's structure sound, so keep it growing... but yet the deep honor and pride that seems to chain us and addict us to this lifestyle... though the hardest period of my life has been made up by this past year away from my husband, i have an intimate relationship with patriotism... not only has my husband served our country... but i have sacrificed as well. so the entire concept of the "sacrifice" you hear of when refering to Memorial Day is MY sacrifice... it's personal. it's both made me proud, and resentful in the same...

i'm struggling to tap into that severe pride today... Justin and i sat down last night via Skype and looked over our budget, adding everything up. not fun for anyone, but for us... painful as we came to the conclusion that we really might not make it outside the military, while both trying to be full time students. The uncertainty of jobs, along with the fact that in order to keep our heads JUST above water, we'd have to both work 30hours a week, WHILE going to school full-time, and trying to be parents... and our budget didn't include the required childcare expenses to work those 30+ hours, and the payments for a big hospital bill we just got for Nathaniel's CT Scan we did earlier this year when he fell... so as it stands now, justin and i might very well be forced to stay in the military... and be living apart for at least another year... or two... a VERY hard reality for me to accept. i just had a great feeling about getting out, being together, going to school together, being in the reserves, getting back in after school... i was comfortable with that... excited about everything... but now, all i can think about is the idea that i'll be sleeping alone for another year or two... and will continue being single parent for another year or two... and how fair is that to Nathaniel?????? it's not. And it's not like we're in debt up to our ears... it's just the fact that we can't both work full time AND go to school full time AND spend enough time with our son......... and baby #2 is out of the question unless justin is gone for the pregnancy, and only with us for about a week or two after baby is born... *sigh*

Give me greatness of heart to see,
the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding so that I may know,
when duty calls him, he must go.

Give me a task to do each day,
to fill the time when he’s away.

When he’s in a foreign land,
keep him safe in your loving hand.

And when duty is in the field,
please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when his deployment seems so long,
please stay with me and keep me strong.

-The Military Wife's Prayer

i really need to blog more...

2010-05-18T12:01:00.002-04:00

oh my! SO MUCH to write about!

* we are getting out of the military... kinda. :)
Justin will no longer be active duty Navy after July 18th, 2010 and will go directly into the Navy Reserve. He gets paid little, but enough to cover the reserve's family health-care. (which means we can have another baby!!! :D ) He plans to attend college in the fall, either at Indian Hills for Digital Forensics, or Central College for Physics. YIKES! He's such a smarty pants. ;) Once he has his degree (or, if financially we need to, after i have my degree) we tentatively plan to have justin go through a program offered by the reserves that will take him back into the Active Navy as a career recruiter! PERFECT!!!! limited cruises, and more options as far as duty stations! He would spend the rest of his military career as a recruiter, which is more of a 9 to 5 type of job. Home almost every night, and the possibility of being stationed somewhere OTHER than the coast! AMAZING!!!! But the next 4 years or so could get interesting... financially. But i have peace that God will lead and provide.

Justin and i on the ship May 1st, 2010

* I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE YEAR!!!! WOOT! Done with all the Gen. Eds. and moving on to Central College next fall! I can't wait!!!! i'm also excited for SUMMER... just spending time with my son, going swimming, and reading, and grilling out and JUSTIN COMING HOME IN JULY! YAY!

*i am looking for another part-time job... "good luck!", yeah i know. :S but the place i'm working now is just not working out real well. I plan to stay there and continue working Fridays, but i need something PART TIME, like go in at 2pm and close, or go in at 8am and am off by 2pm or 4pm. With no spouse to back me up, and with a family that has just about killed themselves through the school year helping me... i need something with shorter days than 8am to 8pm. ridiculous. Plus, they seem to try their best to make me feel guilty about taking time off. ok... i've requested 4 DAYS OFF IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS. and all those days were to be with my husband either right after he came home from a 9 month deployment, or to go out and go on his ship's Family Day Cruise. I've missed family things. I HAVE left work only, but ONLY when i'm told i can. I've not gone in on scheduled days, but only after getting a call from my boss telling me not to because of the small amount of appointments. :S and then she's griping. i don't like it... and it's not working out. They all (my boss and the other photographers) have husbands there every day or the money for childcare, OR no kids at all. So i don't know. :S

* Nathaniel is TWO YEARS OLD!? when did that happen??? I'm the mom of a 2 year old??? ugh... i feel old. ;) looking forward to giving him a baby brother or baby sister though. We'll seeeeeeee... :) Won't really start trying til August or September because we're trying to kinda schedule it around school... but we're excited.

Nate and Daddy going down the slide at the park while justin was home on leave...

SO theres all our news...

Never gets easier...

2010-04-18T02:52:00.002-04:00

Justin's visit has come and gone... i didn't upload pictures, reply to emails, or even take time to blog while he was here... he actually stayed an extra 18 days than what i thought... talk about a surprise! it was AMAZING! we made many great memories! priceless time as a family and together... memories i'll share in the coming days.

but today we had to say goodbye again. i don't know why, but it was even harder than last time. maybe because it just felt like the time together just hadn't quite balanced out with the time apart this past year.

friday was horrible... my last full day with him, i had to work a full day. We'd planned on having a grill out with his family at our house and then putting up a swing set for nathaniel that i would pick up after work, thinking i'd be off plenty before 7pm. Well, i wasn't, and in my opinion, i very well could have been. My coworker made me stay all through our last session (which was at 6pm and only a 2 week old, so could have been handled alone with the 2 parents and her- all i did was fluff the blankets), and then made me sell the session... meaning i sat with the parents while they looked at all the pictures, debated, asked questions, and figured out what they wanted to order. I told justin to go ahead and eat by 7pm. Well, this session took longer than it should have anyways, because the baby was cranky. VERY cranky... so we sat and waited through 2 feedings, and a diaper change. So it was after 8pm before i left the studio. I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up the swing set, only to walk out empty-handed and teary-eyed. The swing set was WAY too big to fit in my car. So i called my mom, bawling... venting about my work, and whining about the swing set. She and my grandpa agreed to go pick up the swing set and bring it over so justin and i could still put it up. I hurried home, crying, angry beyond words. I got home to a FILTHY kitchen, cold food, and people getting ready to leave... i missed the whole thing. so around 9pm, when i was sitting down to eat, everyone was leaving. My mom and grandpa brought over the swing set, and justin and i were out putting that up until 12midnight, easily. Not the night we'd hoped for.

Saturday was a rush of laundry and packing. it sucked. packing up his sea bag, emptying the house of his things... it's like slowly tearing a huge bandage off... starting slowly. idk... it hurts. We were running late (whats new?) so it was all a rushed goodbye. we got a few pictures, a couple very quick kisses, lots of choked-back tears... and a final wave... and he was gone. Nathaniel and i were able to go all the way to the gate with a special pass for military family members, so we stood in the terminal and watched his plane taxi, and take off... i could see justin in his seat, with his hand pressed to the window... mirroring mine. Nathaniel and i watched him until we couldn't see him anymore... nathaniel saying over and over "Where'd daddy go?" and "Bye, daddy!", and blowing kisses... how it breaks my heart.

we must be sick to choose this... sick and addicted to pain or something. because it never gets easy... sometimes i think it just gets harder. We still don't know if we're staying in or getting out... it all depends on if theres a chance he'll get a recruiting position. we just don't know. the reason i know i'm sick in the head is because i HOPE he gets a recruiting position and we can stay in! it would just be nice to have a little more time with this secure job while i finish school... and we save a bit more money.

i miss him though... our bed feels so big without him to share it with him... i just ache to have him here.

2 days & a "wake up"...

2010-03-20T02:46:00.003-04:00

i can barely believe that we're actually this close! i've been on edge for the past week... just a ball of anxiousness and excitement and nerves! I've finished the man cave, finished the bed room make over, moved justin's old car into our own garage, hung curtains all through the house, brought in a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture from family... and in these last few days, am cleaning from top to bottom! I'm really excited to finally be able to show him our home! and just really talk with him!

i know that through this deployment, the dynamics of our marriage will have changed. I'm nervous about discovering these changes. I feel sure that we'll make it through this transition, but i'm fearful of what exactly will have changed. I don't think Justin is nervous at all though... lol He's just excited! i'm glad that he's so excited... it's refreshing after his emotional silence... during some of the harder months, he seemed to shut down... it's like, if he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. It was a mixture for me... like, sometimes it helped to think about him as much as i could. but then other times, it was like torture.

but now i don't have to worry about it... only a couple more days until i am with him again... and even though it'll only be for 11 days, it's better than nothing. I can't wait... and i am so anxious to just be with him again. *sigh* 2 days... and roughly 5 hours. :) I can't wait!!!!!

17 days...

2010-03-05T08:01:00.002-05:00

i'm in the most bitter mood EVER. Woke up to a text from Justin letting me know that he won't be able to stay long enough to be home from Easter. I'm very disappointed... Easter is a huge Holiday for my family, and i'm just sick and tired of going to special family gatherings alone, and of justin missing out on such precious moments in nathaniel's life. This will be his 2nd Easter away from us... also the 2nd Mother's Day. Then, as i laid in bed fuming about the fact he won't even be home a full 2 weeks (only 11 days) i realized that in June, we'll have only been together 11 days out of that last year. and only 21 days out of that last 15 months. it's not ok... he's missed EVERY SINGLE holiday and special day... and like i said, some holidays twice. it's NOT ok that he's missed Nathaniel hunting for Easter eggs two years in a row, that he's missed Christmas, and our Ann. it's NOT OK.

and then... it happened. It always happens. and i think it happens to every military family. The inevitable future goodbye's haunting.

Justin's not even home, and i'm already thinking of the next time we'll have to say goodbye. The next "last night" together. The next time i have to drive him to the airport. The next time i'll have to watch him walk away from me. I hate that... but i can't help it. It's inevitable. It's that thought thats in the back of your head his entire time home saying... "You only have 11 days with him...", "You only have another week with him...", "You only have 3 more days with him...", "You have to say goodbye again tomorrow...". I mean, you BARELY get used to being with them again, sharing responsibilities, and having them there to talk to... and you're turning around to say goodbye again! what must it do to Nathaniel's little heart and mind? i mean, it TEARS ME UP... but at least i understand why... poor nathaniel doesn't understand at all. The only comfort i can take in this goodbye is that it is the last... no more on the horizon, at least for now. Also, we'll be able to talk on the phone just about any time we want... for however long we want... about anything we want...

it's comforting... but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow those numbers... 11 days in a year...

11 days is just not enough...

22 days

2010-02-27T10:50:00.002-05:00

sigh... i LOVE how small that number is! especially after a night like last night... was up SICK as all get out. It started when i was over at my grandma and grandpa's house, i felt my stomach a'churning. :S i was walking nathaniel to the car across the street when it really hit... ugh. scared poor nathaniel to death! i was able to pull myself together to drive us home, but soon felt my stomach gurgling again, so called my mom and asked her to come get nathaniel. I don't know what i'd do without her... she's really been there to help me through this time while justin's been gone. but she took him home with her so i was able to battle this bug... ugh. it sucked. i HATED being alone... you see, when i'm sick, i want to be babied. lol nathaniel has even learned this... he'll get extra cuddly when i'm in a certain mood, or sick. But i knew it was best that he not be around. but trust me... i sent plenty of whiny emails to justin. Anyways... this morning i am feeling much better. i'm munching on dry cereal, and looking forward to a pretty good day.

Meeting with some friends from out of town for lunch, then going with my husband's best friend and his girlfriend to DesMoines for a little shopping and a trip to Chucky Cheese. Nathaniel's first! :) I think he'll like it. :)

anyways... i'm gonna try to get up and around and get some things done... maybe the house picked up a bit, and a load of laundry done. might as well while i'm feeling decent and nathaniel isn't here to drag it all out right away. ;)

41 days...

2010-02-08T14:51:00.004-05:00

so i recently read a book called "Standing By", it was written by a Navy Pilot's wife while her husband was on an IA (Individual Assignment) and away from home for about 6 months. I felt like i was reading MY story in a lot of ways, not EVERY way, but in a lot of ways. The mix of pride and unbearable loneliness, the adoration and the rage felt all in the same breath for the military, and the complete fear yet anxiousness that rises in the pit of our stomachs as the homecoming nears.

today... it's more the loneliness, rage, and anxiousness.

Justin is in port in Malaysia right now... and we were able to chat and webcam this morning.

1.) MY computer won't read anything that i try to plug into the USB port... meaning a webcam. SO i had to download skype and install my webcam's hardware unto my sister's computer, and get it connected to our internet (which wasn't easy because we have a security-ensured connection) to get it all working. so that took a good hour.

2.) i looked less than glamorous because i woke up and jumped right onto the computer! my whole extra 20lbs was showing, plus no makeup... awesome.

3.) and then when i FINALLY got to see and talk to my husband.... we had NOTHING to talk about except our son. and i'm sorry, but thats not enough for me. i LOVE my son... adore him! but right now, i am in desperate need of some serious connection with my husband... some serious communication. But justin isn't the best at expressing himself through words. Never has been. But when we're face to face, it works out ok... he SHOWS me love in many ways, he doesn't have to use words. But when we've got 1000's of miles between us, words are all we've got. So... this morning... we basically just sat and looked at each other and said the same things over and over again... "I love you.", "I miss you.", "I can't wait to be home.", "This is so hard without you here." or watched nathaniel play, or point to his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth while saying their names. It was great family time... AMAZING family time, really. But... gosh i need some husband and wife time. and i'm not just talking about sex... i just need my partner, i need my other half, i need to sit and watch a movie with him, i need to hold his hand, i need to make dinner with him, i need to give him a kiss, and i need a hug from HIM! ugh.

and i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of having a pout-fest. ugh! can this PLEASE JUST BE OVER!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

ok, getting off my blog and gonna drown my sorrows in Mountain Dew and Oreo Balls. then i'll go to the gym and work them off after class. yep. sounds like a plan.

one of those nights...

2010-02-05T00:26:00.002-05:00

Nathaniel is sick... runny nose, temp, cough, and fighting sleep. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow... but if nathaniel is still sick like this, i won't be... which i hate, and honestly makes me nervous. He's cuddled up beside me, fiddling with my hair, just starting to snore.

it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...

i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.

at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...

i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.

46 days...

2010-02-03T14:51:00.002-05:00

it's a gorgeous day outside... the sun is out. I makes me anxious for spring... for warm, sunny days at the park... and for going barefoot outside.

we have 46 days til justin is home... well, visits. He'll be here for 2 weeks, then will have to go back to Virginia for a few months, until his contract is up. and we've been apart for 220 days. WOW. :S

We're SO CLOSE though... i can feel it! Justin's currently in Thailand, but they'll be leaving there, and pulling into Malaysia soon. I'm excited for Malaysia mainly because all the guys get their one and only overnight liberty, and justin and a couple other guys have planned on renting a hotel room together to use the high speed internet! HAHAHA! The high speed internet on base is just about worthless, and they have VERY limited access on the ship... so all these married guys have decided to do this so that they can all chat and skype with their wives/kids back home without it disconnecting them or having a time limit. AWESOME! justin and i haven't seen each other for MONTHS. I can't wait for justin to see Nathaniel. I am just praying the internet is GOOD, and it won't be kicking justin off every 2 minutes. :P After Malaysia i think they have one other port, then HOME! March 21st they'll be docking in Washington, and he'll be on a plane that night, flying all night, and landing in DesMoines, IA at 7:30am on March 22nd... the day after Nathaniel's birthday. *sigh* The only bad thing is that i'll still have to go to school while justin is here... i'll most likely skip the first week, maybe... but i don't want to fall behind, so we'll have to see. :S

Once he goes back to VA, it's all down hill from there... he'll be able to call every day, we'll be in the same general time-zone (only an hours difference), he'll be able to go over to a friend's house and use their high speed any night he wants- so we can web-cam and skype all the time... it'll be so much easier to communicate. and we'll only have about 3 months until he MOVES home!

i still feel like i'm in marathon mode though... toward the end, the pain is burning in my chest, and legs... but i just put my head down and push... one step at a time. i can't afford to stop, or hesitate, or even look around... i just have to push...

after he moves home... it's completely unknown.

a prayer...

2010-01-10T02:09:00.002-05:00

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7

"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7

i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.

which way, God?

one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.

way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...

God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!

"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."

on the downhill slope...

2010-01-04T21:35:00.002-05:00

and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S

Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!

Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.

meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!

i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.

But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!

are we there yet?

2009-11-01T16:19:00.002-05:00

sometimes i feel like i'm in the bottom of this deep, dark hole... and i'm looking up, squinting, and i can only BARELY see the light at the top. Proof theres a way out... but, still a long ways away... and i can't help but think... "I'll never make it..."

i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...

i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...

and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...

i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...

*just needed to vent...

UGGGGGGGGGGGG boots... ;)

2009-08-19T13:38:00.002-04:00

So, i love these boots... awsome for those cold days in winter... they keep your toes nice a toasty! And im' totally pumped about having the chance to WIN a pair!!! YAY!

all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!

My husband Rocks

2009-08-07T11:21:00.003-04:00

One thing i value in my husband is his ability to make me really laugh... not that polite, "I can't believe i'm married to this dork." laugh. He makes me laugh with joy... with love... and with appreciation. When we're discussing something, rather passionatly, he can give me a look... or say something that he MEANS as serious... and all my defenses with evaporate, and i laugh... which, for us, leads to real, calm, talking. I love that... i love that we make each other laugh through our trials... and even when he's 1000s of miles away... out in the middle of the ocean... he makes me laugh with a single look...

yep, i'm way in love with this dork. <3

POOR ME! :P

2009-07-29T14:33:00.002-04:00

Justin made it to the airport and into the air ok today... it was really messy actually, but they made it. First they're plane got delayed, then it got changed to a later flight, then that wasn't good enough, so they changed AIRPORTS!!!!! They finally got into the air at about 12noon i think. They are well on there way to California, where they will be taken to the USS Nimitz and leave on Friday.

I've been kind of a mess all day... i don't want to DO anything... i just want to lay around and miss him and daydream of him and envision our reunion. I already can't wait! i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the things he'll miss... Christmas... our Wedding Ann....without my husband? it's just not right... and no matter what my family does to fill the void... or how many "Girl Nights" i fill my schedule with... it won't fix it... it won't make the ache go away...

unless you're a military spouse... or have spent MONTHS away from your husband... you can't begin to understand what THIS is... i feel like 1/2 my brain is gone, i can't even think straight. Everything is missing SOMETHING... in a room FULL of fun, and loving people i still feel like i am standing alone... looking around for what is missing... but i know what is missing. And nights are just endless... i can't sleep unless i'm EXHAUSTED... and even when i have the whole bed to myself... i fill it with pillows, or bring Nathaniel into my bed just to fill it. I think about him... about being with him... having him curled up beside me... and it feels like the pillows and blankets and baby still can't fill his spot. And i know they really can't... i was just hoping something would.

i promise not to let my blog become a "POOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" blog... but i AM gonna have my days... and nights where i just need to wallow and talk it out. I do journal... so that will help.

But right now... i miss him... and i'm lonely... and it's really not gonna feel any better til he is HOME and we don't have to say goodbye anymore.

no goodbyes... not even any impending goodbyes to worry about... it hardly seems like a reality. Maybe someday... maybe a year... maybe 25 years til that someday arrives... but someday.

dread...

2009-07-27T23:05:00.002-04:00

thats what i'm filled with... i am DREADING friday, when Justin is scheduled to pull out of San Diego, CA. He is anxious and excited i think... though he doesn't say so to ME because he knows how sick i am about it... just THINKING about it makes me tear up. I don't want to think about it. 6 months... no phone calls... no web cam... no pictures from him.. not even the option of making a trip out to be with him... and only HOPING for an email daily. He'll miss so much... my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our 3 year Anniversary. And i'll miss HIS birthday... having him here for family events... getting to spoil him rotten for our Ann. *sigh* i hate this...

I can't deny that i'm jealous... all the amazing places he'll go... ugh.

BUT i'm trying to really focus on where I'M going!!!! I'm am WAY excited that i have Central College to look forward to. And justin, after studying up on the details of the GI Bill, plans on also attending Central once he comes home for good. I can just imagine us both graduating from Central College... caps... gowns... celebrations... FINALLY graduating college... a goal i feel like i've been fighting to reach for years already... and really, i still have 4 years ahead of me. But i'm SO excited! and i feel like i have some amazing direction from some people at Central College. :) SO i'm focusing on that.

i just hate going alone... it's gonna be hard... working my way through college, being a mom, making good grades (in hopes of getting more financial help)... BUT, i can do it. :) i have to!

just feeling excited!

2009-07-22T16:43:00.002-04:00

So i've been feeling pretty lost lately concerning my education and where my life was headed... i've pretty much put my schooling on hold for the past 3 years, taking what classes i would WHEN i could... just trying to figure out how i could make it to my goal of graduating. I felt like i was fighting to swim up stream... against the current.

But today i went to talk to a professor from Central College... where i dream of eventually graduating from... when i get discouraged, i seriously picture myself in my cap, gown, and holding a diploma... standing on the Central green... taking pictures of me with my degree. I talked to the professor about what i need to do to get to Central... and what classes i need to get done at Indian Hills Comm. College before transferring to Central College. I always felt like everyone i talked to never gave me straight answers... never broke it down for me... never directed me in the right direction... always gave me wishy-washy answers concerning my education. But as i sat with her... i told her what i loved, what i'm good at, what i want to do, and what i know i shouldn't do... what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are... and she gave me straight up, honest answers... and broke down every class i should and should not take, what i can do, and what i can't. She actually made a LIST of the classes i need to have before i get to Central, and what classes i can take there. She told me that the whole Administrative Assistant, though i good idea if i wanted to maybe use that later on... would not benefit me all that much... and she suggested i not waste my time, focus, energy, and money on it. She gave me names and phone numbers of people who will continue to help me reach my goal... and told me straight up what she thinks i should major in. English. :) i love it. i feel encouraged and validated. *sigh*

i feel so amazing... i feel like i might actually make it to graduation day. It's gonna be a heavy class load... a lot of work... a lot of money (Central is not cheap)... and almost 4 years. but i feel like i might actually make it. I talked to Justin... and told him what it's gonna take, as far as time and classes... and he was SO supportive... 100%... i told him that it might take him giving up the military until i finish school... or at least trying to get orders to HERE... and he said that we would do what we need to make it happen.

i am so excited... i am thrilled... i feel like i finally know where i'm going... i love it. :)

i have 4 less teeth... and it SUCKS.

2009-06-06T22:47:00.002-04:00

ugh... so wed. i had my wisdom teeth out... and i have to be honest, i was more freaked out about having this little surgery done than being induced to have a child! I was VERY thankful for the anti-anxiety pill they gave me to take before i even came in! i was so relaxed by the time i hit the chair in the office, i hardly noticed them even putting in the IV. So i was a happy girl! :) then i hardly remember anything of afterwards... up til that evening. All i remember is a very sweet nurse asking me to squeeze her hand, and telling my mom that i would be waking soon... well i never REALLY woke up til about 5pm! :S but i vaguely remember having the nurse help me out to the car, and then seeing the couch. then thats about it. hahaha! All i can say is that Hydrocodone is a miracle pill... i love that stuff! best sleep i've got in over a year!!!! But i had to get off that stuff the next day because it's highly addictive. But i'm doing well now... my mom was AMAZING and made sure i ate, slept, and that Nathaniel was cared for... which was the biggest thing. I'm back at my apartment for the first night tonight though... and my jaw is still extremely sore and stiff, i'm guessing from how far they had it open for the surgery. :S but i'm healing well so far, and i'm trying really hard to do everything i can to NOT get dry sockets. eek...

other than that, i'm getting ready to be in a wedding next weekend... all the bridal showers are over, and the bachelorette party is done... WHAT A RELIEF! AND i'm getting ready for my trip out to see Justin! only 8 days!!!!! it's bitter-sweet because i know that this will be the last time that i'll see him til January of 2010. wow... sounds even worse when you put the YEAR with it. *sigh* but i think that he's gonna take some leave time while i'm there... just so he won't be at work 1/2 the time i'm there. We're hoping to go to Water Country, a large water park out there... i know that nathaniel will LOVE it, and I'LL love watching Nathaniel and Justin playing together! :) oh gosh, i can't wait. Justin and i also hope to spend a lot of time just the two of us... we hope to go out dancing (because thats something i've wanted to get justin to do FOREVER... he insists he can't dance :P), and we hope to go to King's Dominion, a theme park. We would take Nathaniel with us, but we're big rollar-coaster nuts... so we really want to be able to do that... but maybe we'll try to talk a friend to go with us who wouldn't mind chilling with Nathaniel while we ride those rides. :) I'm very excited just to be with him... vegging out on the couch, watching movies, cooking for him, welcoming him back from a day at work and cuddling with nathaniel. :)

we are very close to buying a house... but are kind of back-tracking now because we're re-thinking the type of loan we're gonna use. We may go with a local bank and use a regular loan, rather than go with a military credit union and use a VA Loan. :S doesn't seem TO ME that we gain much by going the military route, and we get a whole lot more financial assistance going locally.

anyways... thats about it. :) anxious for the wedding, and even more anxious for sunday, when i fly to VA... and EVEN MORE anxious for next monday... when i get to hug and kiss and love on my amazing sailor. :)

update...

2009-06-01T22:56:00.002-04:00

well, recent events call for an update i believe.

Justin is still in Virginia, and has been out to sea for the past 2 weeks, and still has another 2 weeks out. He is doing well, and is excited about some recent news that IIIII am not so thrilled about... He will be going out on a real cruise come July. So from July to January, he'll be living on the USS Nimitz, and will be visiting Japan, Singapore, Australia, maybe Dubai... and maybe a few other places. i am trying to be excited for him... this is what he's been waiting for, and what he's been trained for and working toward. What an awesome adventure for him! what amazing memories! but i guess i have to admit that i'm kind of jealous... i want to travel too! but more than that... it just sucks. This means our honeymoon is canceled, this means he'll be gone for his and i's birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, AND our Anniversary. *bitter* i was really disappointed about Disney being canceled... that was kind of my "light at the end of the tunnel"... but now he gets to go off on his big adventure and travel... and i get to cancel our honeymoon to Disney. i am bitter... and sad... and upset. I am praying that i don't become resentful, but it's hard... really hard... and i might whine about it in a later post. *sigh*

We still haven't bought a house... but we are very close! like... we'll most likely be making an offer this friday. :) we have one house that i'm thinking about taking a look at, but if i don't like it right off the bat... i'll move on and make an offer. :)

i'm gonna be leading music for VBS at my church next week. :S i'm nervous about it!!!!! lots of people counting on me...

my wisdom teeth have been giving me LOTS of problems... and i wasn't supposed to have them out until July 1st, but thankfully i was able to get in on a canceled appointment for THIS wednesday! :) i never thought i'd be excited about having surgery! lol

I'm working out like crazy still... and i'm tanning... and i have a hair appointment this coming friday. :) my self-makeover is almost complete. I'm LOVING having a little color... and though the scale doesn't show much of a difference, i'm toning up A LOT... and i've got a few hair cuts i'm excited to try. I know i'm going blonder though!

Nathaniel is doing well... he LOVES nice weather and being outside! we are looking forward to flying out to Virginia and having fun... we're planning on staying at a hotel at least one night, going to a water-park with nathaniel, and then an amusement park just the two of us! i can't wait to see justin play in the pool with Nathaniel. :) Nathaniel now has 6 teeth... poor little boy, they were difficult ones coming in! :(

but things are ok... moving right along... *sigh*

My Husband ROCKS!

2009-05-15T10:09:00.002-04:00

so being 1000 miles away from each other, the communication is tested. And justin doesn't exactly wear his heart on his sleeve, so it's even more challenging. Plus, i'll admit it... i'm dang needy! lol So when i don't hear him whining that he misses me, or when he seems to be having a blast just hanging out with the guys... i get, whiny myself! But this week, Justin and i got into a conversation, and through ONE text, i saw his heart... and how much he DOES miss me! it meant so much that for a split second justin let down his shield and let me see inside. I value vulnerability... and when he told me how much he missed me, it let me know i wasn't alone. :)

i really do think my hubby rocks... <3

whats up?

2009-04-30T12:05:00.002-04:00

oh boy! everything has been a whirlwind the past week or so! We've still been searching for a home, and i think we've come to a place where we've got it narrowed down to 2 houses... one thats move in ready, the other that we would have to update and put our own mark on. I think we're gonna pick #2 because we think the re-sell value will be more, and the bedrooms are bigger. and i'm just in LOVE with the character of the home! ;) There are some major perks to the 1st house, that i hate walking away from... the yard (big!), NICE updated kitchen, all one level, finished basement... ugh. BUT... i don't know. BUT, we're making a choice between the two houses, then we're gonna make an offer. :D CRAZY! i can't believe we're gonna buy a house!!!! WOW! :D

other than that, i've been working out like nuts, and have tanned a few times. :) I haven't lost ANY weight... but i see a change in my body because i'm toning up! :) i love it! and i love working out... i ran a mile in great time (for me) the other day, so i am PUMPED. :)

i have a job interview today at a local restaurant. I hope i get the job... but i am afraid i won't because i'll need so much time off through the summer, and i won't work sundays. :S BUT i figure God will work it out that thats exactly what they need if i'm meant to have that job. :)

started a weekly bible study with a group of my girlfriends... so i've been having a lot of fun with that.

Nathaniel is good... teething still, so he's not the happiest camper. but he's growing and loving being with our family. :)

but thats the update!

got me thinking...

2009-04-28T00:26:00.003-04:00

ran across a blog... this young lady of 18 was talking about the touchy subject of female submission in the church and in the home. And i realized, as i read her blog... that it IS a touchy subject! i found myself wanting to correct, educate, and defend a more... "relaxed" version of that same "rule". See, i believe that women shouldn't be HEAD pastors... but i firmly believe that when talking about YOUTH pastors, or leaders working closely with CHILDREN, women should undoubtedly be involved... as a partner, or main leader for smaller children for sure. I DO NOT want a female president for this country... God made men to lead in a way women cannot. period.

but in a marriage, where the man and woman are SO close, and SO intimate... the lines become muddy, and complicated. See, Justin and i may have it backwards... but right for us. I'm the more spiritually mature... i was brought up in the church, accepted Christ at 3, then rededicated at about 15, i've had my valleys, and my mountain tops, i talk with God everyday, and am active in the church. Justin was brought up in and out of the Catholic church, accepted Christ in 2005, leaned on God heavily through Navy bootcamp, but since then been complacent (being in the military makes a day-in-day-out LIVING faith, really hard! :( )... so in our home, i am the spiritual leader... but i pray for my husband's spiritual health, i pray fervantly for my husband to become a man of God and our home's leader. We discuss, and share our thoughts about things in the Bible, about God in our lives, and i see Justin growing... maybe not as drastically, or quickly as i'd like... but he is coming to understand the part that God wants to play in our everyday life! That is great to me!

Then i see a extreme of submission... where every penny is overseen, every plan is approved, outfits ok'ed... and... i get REALLY defensive and my inner feminist comes out. I mean, i ask justin if we can afford certain things... i try to make him feel included in all my plans, but in our situation, i can't run my daily schedule by him hardly at all. I tell him after the fact!... i don't dress slutty, i ask if he likes what i'm wearing, but come on, i'm not a doll, and i need clothes, man! i'm not waiting around for you to feel generous to just give me the privaledge of buying new underwear! my gosh. lol And then... i see husbands being demanding, pouty, unappreciative, and whiney! UGH! if you're gonna submit to a man... submit to a MAN... not a little boy who stomps his feet and blows you off when you break your back trying to be exactly what he wants! Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't do that.

I don't know... i've had this brewing. I see sweet girlfriends, striving to be Godly wives... then all they get is a pat on the head as hubby walks by. >:( grrrrrrr... i mean, marriage is a partnership, a team effort, a mutual love and respect. Your husband is meant to be adored, as well as respected... but isn't respect earned to some extent????? A wife is meant to be cherished and nutured. And encouragement, consideration, fairness, faithfulness, honesty, and patience is naturally meant to be given to both!!!! IT'S A TWO WAY STREET!

i love the way my husband and i work... he is faithful, encouraging, strong, wise... i adore him and respect him beyond words. But i also know that he trusts me to make good descisions too... that he trusts that i have a brain, that i have good, spirit-led, judgement... that he loves me, respects me as a woman, and wants to make me happy. I adore him, and respect him... but he doesn't have to stomp around pouting to get it, or demanding it... he is a GOOD husband, and earns my trust, my adoration, and my respenct. and i strive to serve him... and let him know what an amazing man i think he is. I want him to know that i think he's SO smart financially... so i run all our spending by him, but not cuz he'll stomp around if i DON'T... because i feel better if i do.

i don't know... maybe i'm just a silly, nieve, only-2-years-into-marriage, honeymooner... but i love God, a lot, and i feel like God is blessing the way we're going... and i get defensive. lol SO... thats my blog.

this ends my rant.

Ashley's Giveaway!!!!!

2009-04-20T17:20:00.001-04:00

So my friend ashley has been doing card giveaways on and off for awhile now... well NOW she's giving away more of a craft! SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! check out her blog! at Jaded Mission! hope you enjoy... but don't hope you win! ;) i have my fingers crossed for this one! ;)

My Husband Rocks

2009-04-18T00:57:00.002-04:00

So... living 1000 miles away from each other makes things a little hard to do... but Justin has found small, out-of-the-norm ways to make me smile, and feel loved. One way that always makes me smile is justin will always send me random texts throughout the day saying things like

"I love you."
or
"I miss you."

Just to let me know that he's thinking of me...which is always nice. He also always texts me first thing in the morning. I look forward to the simple texts every morning...

"Good morning... i love you."

Still doesn't compare to the daily morning kiss before he dashes out the door to work.... but i'll have to do for now. But he never ceases to amaze me with his faithfulness, slow temper, willingness to liten, and consistancy... i daily fall in love with him all over again because of those things. I am truly... TRULY blessed.

insecurity...

2009-04-15T23:18:00.002-04:00

i have a problem with insecurity... always have, and most likely will always struggle with it. Sometimes i wonder if i see a completely different person than what everyone else sees... i'm not gonna sit here and list off all my imperfections, because i don't want anyone to tell me "Oh no, hunny... you've got beautiful skin!" or "Oh, anna! You just had a baby! Don't worry about that weight!"... well, i've got comebacks for them all... so i don't want to hear it.

but i'm sick of thinking this way about myself... but i don't know how to fix it... but i know i need to. It's even harder with justin being so far away... and him trying to help and take care of everyone else. Like tonight... he went out with a whole group of people, some guys and some girls... well, as the night was winding down, he gave a few of the girls a ride back to the ship... and though i KNOW nothing was ever even THOUGHT, let alone, DONE... i still hated thinking about any other girl(s) alone in the car with my husband. Am i being that "ball and chain" wife? So we argued about it tonight... and i hate that my personal insecurity is hurting my relationship with my husband.

but what is it... what is it that makes me see myself the way i do? is it just Satan? is it just my personality? is it past hurts and rejections? Why do i seem to have such an extreme case of this mindset?

I daily think that if i was skinnier... or tanner... or had the right hair... i could be happier... feel better. but i think... deep down, i think, maybe not. But i don't know. I think i might be. So i've bought a YMCA membership, and i'm gonna buy tanning minutes... and i'm gonna get high lights in my hair... then maybe i'll feel good.

but really, maybe the bad thing is... i will be happier if i look that way... is that vain? pathetic? lame? fake? materialistic?

or is it just me wanting to feel better about myself... wanting to feel GOOD... feel happy with ME...? what else can i change to make me feel better? Finish my education... thats one, but i'm on my way... coming this fall.

but i guess my biggest fear is that i'll never reach that point where i love what i see in the mirror... the last time i felt that? When i was at school in Orange City, at Northwestern... in theatre... laughing a lot...

but i don't know... these are just my thoughts for the night...

2.5 weeks down...

2009-04-14T00:02:00.002-04:00

it's only been about 2 and a half weeks since justin went back to Virginia... and i think it's finally hit. It usually takes a week or 2 for the separation anxiety to really touch me, but it's hit... and is threatening to really knock me off my feet. It seems that Satan knows how to get to me too... in really hard, intimate ways... ways i never saw coming... but isn't that the way he always gets at you.

the loneliness really caves in on me once i'm really alone... like, once my family leaves, things just start popping in my head... i start thinking and missing and pouting.

i guess i just never thought that i would be battling the things i'm battling now... i really just need to dive into the Word, and rest in God's embrace while i wait for my husband to be with me again. But i can tell this is not gonna be as easy, emotionally OR physically, as i thought it would be.

This blog might turn pretty intimate, and serious... we'll just see what comes.

in this together...

2009-03-31T00:40:00.004-04:00

well, the move has happened... and justin is back in Virginia... i'm looking for a job... still unpacking... looking for a house... looking forward to august.

For now i am doing ok... the weekend has been busy, so i haven't really had time to sit and THINK about the fact that justin is over 1000 miles away now. and i think thats good for now... because i think if i dwell on it, i'll get depressed. so i want to hurry and get busy with a job and church before the rush and "newness" of Nathaniel and i being home dies down. I went back to my old job today, where i assumed and was assured by family, and other employees at the workplace that i would surely be re-hired because of the fondness i left behind, and since i'd been trained to work in the office rather than just on the floor... but was told that they weren't handing out applications right now, and were expecting college students back for the summer... i was VERY disappointed and slightly shocked. BUT i'm trusting that God has something better for me right now... so i am now applying for other jobs. all i need is part time... so i'm not TOO worried.

also looking for a house... which is proving to be much more frustrating to do by myself than i thought. there are so many things to think of... sq. footage? roof age? siding age? basement? is there leakage? garage? how big? appliances included? neighborhood? eek, SMALL bedroom... DOUBLE eek, a jail-sell style bathroom???? furnace age? central air? why is this ceiling SO low??? whats with the Star Trek decor??? Love the built-ins!!!! fireplace? does is work?? could that wall be knocked out? price???????? annual taxes?????? updates needed? wait... offer... no, wait. :S SO MUCH. and with my dad commenting on EVERYTHING... it's crazy.

the health-care transfer is confusing too... even more frustrating when nathaniel is sick, and i want to take him in, but don't know if i should. Dental is even more unknown... but we got it figured out and i have an appointment next week to hopefully take care of my wisdom teeth. ugh... so hopefully by this time next month, i will be a few teeth less. i don't think i've ever been EXCITED for a dentist appointment... but my stupid teeth have kept me up nights... so i want them OUT.

but things are going ok... this is a new journey... and i think it's gonna be a hard one... more emotionally, than physically... but hard none-the-less. But i'm just praying that the next couple years go fast.

I just really miss justin... things are hard. We don't really talk much... cuz when he' on the ship, he can't get a signal on his cell phone. So that takes about 75% of the day. Then the other 25% of the day i'm usually busy... out somewhere... with other people... just not really able to sit and TALK. So we've set up a phone date on saturday. I'm locking myself in my apartment, ignoring ALL other calls, or texts... and justin and i are gonna talk. :) i might even ditch nathaniel at my mom's. lol But this is what we're gonna have to do for now... til aug, hopefully. :)

anyways... thats the update. I'm now gonna go cuddle up in bed, turn on some TLC (for noise, mostly), and am gonna read my Nora Roberts book.

Goodnight

blog give-away!!!

2009-03-11T21:44:00.002-04:00

SO my beautiful, Ashley, has a beautiful talent! God has blessed her with the gift of craftiness! ;) She makes these adorable cards... WELL, lucky for you and i, she has started having Give Aways for them!!!! She's made it possible to add your name 3 TIMES!!!! You can find the info and enter at her blog, Jaded Mission

Enjoy!!!! :D

one week til the end of life as we know it...

2009-03-02T21:54:00.003-05:00

*deep sigh* Only one week til i make the big move home... away from my home of 2 years, away from a church i've fallen in love with, away from the military conveniences and away from my husband... we will embark on a brand new adventure... living apart from each other, being faithful through loneliness, loving from a distance, looking ahead to a future together while a 1000 miles apart... and counting on that other person to be doing the same thing, even when you can't lay next to them at the end of the day and see it in their eyes.

i have mixed emotions... i'm scared, nervous, excited... i'm looking forward to going back to school, i'm looking forward to being with family and allowing nathaniel to grow around the small town of Osky... go to the pool, tuli time, the county fair, church stuff...

but it all just seems 1/2 as much fun... because i know that justin won't be there. and i have to wonder if the sensible benefits... finishing school, maybe buying a house, saving money... will be worth it in the long run. But am i just scared? i have a tendancy to get freaked out about big things, and backtrack, waving my hands, saying "no no no no no.... wait a sec... this is too big... too over my head... this is too big for me!" but is it really all about being SMART... maybe we should just be dumb and in love... maybe i should just drop school and stay here and just be with justin... who cares about saving money???? we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE... right?

but then again i'm thinking maybe more than the sensible things will come of it... maybe i'll gain some independence... gain some self-esteem once i do things on my own... school, work, bills and such. Maybe justin will gain some appreciation... (not that he's horrible, but he is a man) and maybe he'll just get that need for independence out of his system. He will be gone a lot...

i can't sit here and say i'm 100% sure of us... i'm scared that we'll change beyond recognition... that he'll become this whole other person out there on his ship... with his buddies... with other girls. And maybe i'll become super independent... i'll gain my own worth, my own agenda, my own life... and once he and i come together again... will it work? we'll have to make it work. Will it be hard? will one of us fight it? will he be content living in small town iowa after he's been all over the world? but really... what would it change if i were to stay here? the only thing that would change is that i'll have been along for the ride... going with the flow...

i am so in love with him... and i can feel myself clutching to him, afriad to let go and trust... i've never been good with trust... how can i be sure he'll really come home? and i just keep thinking that if i hold on a little tighter, maybe finally i'll feel secure... i've never been good at letting go.

so pray for us... pray for me... pray that i can let go, and let God...

7 days and counting...

Ashley's Awesome Giveaway!

2009-02-24T01:27:00.003-05:00

So ashley has this absolute gift from God for making ADORABLE homemade cards! She has decided to share this gift with us!!!!! She is doing a giveaway... and wants everyone to know about it! Read about it @ http://ashjdrake.blogspot.com/2009/02/first-ever-blog-giveaway.html

My Husband Rocks! NyQuil

2009-02-20T20:14:00.002-05:00

Oh the perks of marriage... :) i have to say that this week, my Knight in Shining Armor comes with a bottle of NyQuil. I am currently battling my own dragon... a HORRIBLE cold... sneezing, coughing, running nose, puffy eyes, stuffy head... the whole package. Well justin got today off from work... YAY! so he got to sleep in this morning. But the first thing he did this morning was get dressed and go to wal mart and get me medication. I have never loved him more than when he walked through that door with that NyQuil bottle in his hand. Then this afternoon i took my full 2 Tblsp. in hopes of passing out and getting some MUCH needed rest! After i took it, nathaniel was down for a nap too, so justin climbed in bed with me and cuddled with me til i fell asleep. He then made sure that i got a couple hours worth of good sleep... it was AWESOME and i appreciate it so much! :)

the Lord is my rock...

2009-02-11T11:28:00.005-05:00

some things have come up in my life that makes me really need to trust and rely on God and His protection... i don't believe a blog is a place to air dirty laundry... but i just wanted to share some bible verses that i'm leaning on right now... and maybe they can help someone else.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall i be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege against me, my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me...

even then will i be confident." Psalms 27:1-3

"God is out refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with the surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; He will help her at break of day." Psalms 46:1-3

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge, trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalms 62:5-8

"Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A CORD OF THREE STRANDS IS NOT QUICKLY BROKEN." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud,. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

a day to praise our God...

2009-02-08T22:38:00.002-05:00

Today was GLORIOUS... a wonderful day... one that made it SO easy to thank God for loving us. *sigh*

Justin had to report to the ship this morning and won't be home until tuesday... i am getting used to him coming and going for days at a time... every 10 days he's gone for 2 days, and this past week has been crazy with him being away for a full 24 hours, to 4 days at a time... he is now gone til tuesday, and then he'll leave again on friday morning and be gone until monday... it makes for a VERY long weekend... i usually get shopping done, errands done, and go to the gym to fill the time... plus a WHOLE lot of time on the computer and just playing with my little man.

but today was beautiful... it would have been MORE beautiful if Justin were home, but God did great as far as lifting my spirits. The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was a fresh 70 degrees! As i drove home from church i had my window down and my sun-roof open... the breeze was flowing through my car, my baby was happy and giggling in the backseat, and things were just good. We got our tax returns without any problems and that was a HUGE relief, and that will cover the moving expenses as well as 1/2 my school loan in order to get my transcripts released. My son is fed, clothed, and healthy. My husband and i are in love, hoping and planning for a honeymoon later in the summer and we trust one another to be apart. I love my God... and i feel like i'm headed in the right direction and i feel Him near me.

i took a deep breath and thanked God for the sun and for every blessing... Today was a good day.

My Hubby Rocks... first time i WANTED to kiss him.

2009-02-06T10:23:00.002-05:00

Well, i'm missin' my hubby so i'm gonna do ALL the MHR Inspiration Promts! :) He is on the ship this week... he's been gone since Wednesday, won't be home til tomorrow morning, then he has to go BACK Sunday morning and stay til monday or tuesday, THEN they're going OUT to SEA til the NEXT sunday... SO, i will spending Valentines Day with my mini-Valentine, Nathaniel. But anyways... i'm missing my hubby, and just want to talk about him and think about him all i can... :)

1.) "Tell us about some of the things that you and your husband do to just have fun together!"

We love to have a movie night... but we kinda go all out. :) we put nathaniel to bed, rent a movie off this Apple program i think, pop popcorn, light a few candles, and pull out the Hide-a-bed from the couch! :) it's fun... we don't have a real tv in our room... it's TINY, like 5" by 5"... so we prefer the larger TV. It's fun... :) and it's just different, so it's a tad exciting. ;) lol

2.) "Tell the story of a memory about your husband that brings you a smile and a giggle every time you think about it!"

oh my, the story that automatically comes to mind is one from before we were even dating. :) We were flirting around, "friends" that happened to cuddle once in awhile, he'd asked me out many times, but i was playing VERY hard to get and kept saying no. But this one day... one HOT day in April 2006, school had let out early, and me and some girl friends went to lunch and had a big, fun day planned! I got to my car, bouncing around and excited for our day... when my car made this SICK coughing noise! OH NO!!!!! ugh. So i try to call a few friends from school... ya know, car guys. But all of them are either far gone after the early release, or not picking up. *bitter* So i call my good 'ol pal... Justin Schaefer. I describe what it's doing, hoping it's an easy fix i can do myself... cuz i feel funny calling him, cuz i know he likes me, but i'm not in love with him at all (yet), and i honestly didn't want people from my school seeing me with this random, New Sharon, guy... :S But he INSISTS! (surprise, surprise) So he comes to my school. and works on my car, gets it running. :) YAY! Thanks! Bye! Not only am i a snob, but i don't ask him to lunch and just drive off, avoiding telling him about lunch at all! *sigh*gives self dirty look*

so we went to lunch, ate our fill, and i went out to my poor blue lumina and turned the key. it again made that sick, coughing noise, and refused to start! i was so mad! i had places to be! People to see! and justin was already HOME... AND i didn't want him knowing i'd been so rude as to not invite him to lunch. ugh. So we called my friend's boyfriend who worked at a tire shop just down the street... thinking, "oh, he works with tires... he must know about coughing engines too!" No such luck. He got there, opened the hood, stared for a minute or so... and announce, "I have no idea." Thanks. So i swallow my pride and call my friend, Justin Schaefer. I was mad in my head because i didn't want to NEED him, didn't want to give him the satisfaction of coming to my rescue... but i called him, told him what was going on and what it sounded like... thinking he could just tell my friend's bf what to look at. No, he drops everything and drives the 20 minutes to the restaurant to fix my car! how sweet. :P so he's in his jeans, hair all curly and messy, he's got this cut-off t-shirt on so his FINE arms are showing themselves off... i hated to admit it. but i fell in love that day. :) he came to my rescue TWICE, took me being MEAN, showed off his MUSCLES... all with a big smile. So i sat in my car... watching him work on my car, sitting besides my friend and decided... "I want to kiss him." My friend was shocked. IIIII was shocked! and all of a sudden... INCREDIBLY shy. She encourages me, but i laugh and refuse, but hug him, and give him that shy look... and we make plans for that night. :) I always giggle when i think of that day...

3.) and my Valentines idea... i was gonna do an "edible bouquet"... one of those fruit bouquets! BUT... since his schedule is all up in the air, i think i'm gonna go with my plan B. :) ya know those flip-calenders... the ones in businesses and the dentist office? they always have a cartoon, or bible verse or whatever... BUT i'm thinking about making my own... kinda. I think i'll buy one, put pictures over the cartoon/bible verse, and put MY OWN memory, bible verse, or note under the picture. :) i got this idea because i'll be moving home soon... and so to start off his day with US, even though we won't be with him, i'm gonna TRY this... we'll see how it goes. :S

ooooooooooh boy...

2009-02-05T20:37:00.002-05:00

SO MUCH IS GOING ON!!!

first off, we've decided not to buy a house... sad. but once we added EVERYTHING up, it was DOable, just not wise, we felt. So we decided to RENT a house... any ideas? :S NOT easy to find a house from over 1000 miles away! We're both disappointed, but i KNOW that we will be way more ready to buy our home in 2 or 3 more years. Once justin is out of the military, i'll hopefully have a decent job, and we'll have a better idea of where our finances are and will be. So now we are full swing into trying to find a place to rent. We only about about 3 to 4 weeks... so the pressure is on. :S eek. i'm going to start gathering boxes in the next week or so and will start packing things up. big goals for someone is hadn't even packed up CHRISTMAS DECOR! Good heaven... i've got a lot to get done. ugh. We're also kinda hoping that justin's best friend will make the trip and spend the week before hand with us... helping us pack, load the truck, and then help take shifts in driving. My dad thinks it's silly... but i'd like HIM to be the one in the car with Nathaniel in the back seat for about 20 hours, 4 hours at a time over 2 days! HA! isn't gonna work, sorry. And it's actually cheaper to drive both the car and thhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4766541138497762412e truck rather than rent the equipment to tow the car... plus i'm not real comfortable having Nathaniel in the front seat of the UHaul truck... even if he is in the car seat. :S

secondly we're thinking about taking advantage of a great Disney deal through the military. i know, i know... go to Disney World, but can't afford a house? ok the only reason we're even THINKING about it is because Justin gets in free, i can get in for only $99, and we get 40% off our stay at a Disney Resort. :) sweet deal huh? i'm pretty excited... we still need to save some money, but with a little of our tax returns, plus what we'll be saving from living at home in iowa... we should be able to pull it off. :)

Nathaniel is walking around... not great, but pretty well. :) it's SO cute! he also has tooth #2 poking out! YAY! Thats about it for now... i know, my blog is way boring compared to everyone else's... but oh well. this is me... pretty straight forward, laid back... ya know. ;)

Motivate Me Monday~ God of this City

2009-01-19T12:33:00.002-05:00

I get goosebumps every time i hear this song or see this video. And with the events of tomorrow... i hold this truth close to my heart.

God of this City
By Chris Tomlin

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of these nation
You are

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things
Have yet to come
And greater things
Are still to be done in this city

For greater things
Have yet to come
And greater things
Are still to be done here

My Hubs ROCKS

2009-01-16T08:56:00.002-05:00

My husband is pretty darn amazing all around... really. He makes me laugh, makes me melt, makes me sure, and makes me proud. He's not perfect... there are things about him that drive me NUTS and that i pray God to touch... but he makes me happier than anyone else ever has and ever could, and i know that God directed our lives just so we would find one another.

The think i want to highlight this week though... is the fast that he's in the United States Navy. This past weekend we celebrated the Commissioning of his ship... the ship he is stationed to... the George H.W. Bush. It was a huge event... justin's 2 sisters, mom, and niece all came from Iowa, families flooded the area, and when the day came... 20,000 people attended the ceremony. As i sat there with my Mother In Law and sister in laws and watched our men line the deck and salute those of us who might not be IN the military, but who live the life and sacrifice all the same... i couldn't help but be so proud.

I honestly don't like the military all that much... i'm glad that some people like it, and support our troops with all my heart... but i hate living the life myself. but on saturday... i felt so great knowing that we were a part of this huge group that makes this country work, that promotes unity, and shows the world what we stand for. I couldn't see my husband... but i imagined him standing on that flight deck at attention and saluting. and i was so proud... he has done something i never could. He pushed himself through Boot Camp, he gets up at 5am every day and goes to a job where he is demanded to show respect to others... while he himself gets very little respect... he works around a loose and ever-changing schedule... and he sacrifices time with his family to go out and move the ship forward with time out to sea. He has even decided to live out here alone... so that we can invest in a home, and i can go and finish school. it breaks my heart... but trust him.

He is an amazing man... he loves me, he loves our son, and he loves this country. I absolutely adore him. :)

MHR Questionier...

2009-01-12T14:32:00.002-05:00

I always love doing things like this... it makes me think, and along with allowing others to get to know ME, i get to know myself a little better too. :) This is a little questionier that runs along side the "My Husband Rocks" movement. Enjoy and pass it on!

1. Where did you meet?
We met at our job... we worked at a local grocery store, Fareway. He was a little bog boy, and i was a checker. :)

2. How long did you date b/f you were married?
Not long... we knew each other from Oct. 2005-May 2006, when we started dated. We then dated from May '06-Dec. '06 when we got married. And we have been married for 2 years now. :)

3. What does he do that surprises you?
he loves to cook and is GOOD at it! and often offers to cook dinner for us... i love it! :)

4. What is your favorite quality of his?
His faithfulness... i have NEVER seriously had a 2nd thought about him being unfaithful. :)

5. What is your favorite feature of his?
oh my... everything! he's a hotty... what can i say? i serioulsy don't know if i could pick one thing about him that i love more than the rest of him... ok, i'll say his voice. i STILL melt. :)

6. Does he have a nickname for you?
Nope... i kinda wish he had a pet name for me, but he's just not into them. But i love it when he says my name... like i said, i melt... i melt into a big ol' puddle of lovey ooze! :)

7. What is his favorite food?
Stuffed Peppers... but honestly i'm not sure. He loves all food... Pizza, Meatloaf, hamburgers in general... lol i know his LEAST fav. food... sausage!

8. What is his favorite sport?
paintballing... i know it's not the norm. but he's really not into football, baseball, or basketball that much. But he loves paintball!

9. When and where was your first kiss?
our fist kiss was actually about a week before we officially started dating... so the first week of May... like the 3rd, i think. We were sitting in his car in my grandparent's driveway. :) i LOVED our first kiss... I kissed HIM, and he was totally shocked... SO shocked in fact that he didn't move at all. *sigh* so cute.

10. What do you like to do together?
watch movies, cook...

11. Do you have any children?
We have one... Nathaniel James. He was born on March 21st, 2008... so he is now 9 months old. We LOVE being parents.

12. Does he have a hidden talent?
He's REALLY good at cooking. Also... he can sing, he's just shy about it so he never does. :P

13. Who said "I love you" first?
he did... i literally pinned him down and teased him til he admitted it. but i was mean... i didn't say it back for a long time... i wasn't ready, but he was amazing and waited. *sigh* he is amazing.

14. What is his favorite type of music?
Country... or Rock... :)

15. What do you admire most about him?
He fought for me against everything... my broken heart, my fear... he totally won me over with his devotion to me.

16. Do you think he will read this?
IF and only IF i show him... :) lol

MY HUBBY ROCKS!

2009-01-09T22:01:00.003-05:00

Today i want to share yet another reasons why my husband rocks...

One thing i love about my husband is that he kisses me goodbye almost every morning before he heads to work, it's SO sweet...

i may expand on it later... but right now i have my inlaws here and i have to wake up at about 5am tomorrow. ;) Goodnight!

my little experiment...

2009-01-07T05:15:00.002-05:00

hm... so, justin and i have always kinda had this "battle" between us... we have a very unbalanced need of intimacy between the two of us, and you'd think that the woman (me) was the one totally fine going awhile without any "mommy-daddy" time... but on the contrary! Justin is the one just wanting to CUDDLE... and usually HE'S the one who decides when we have ANY kind of lovey. kissing or anything else... this left me feelings a little jaded, a little unneeded/unwanted at times, and just plain dejected. It seemed totally unfair that HE got to call the shots in this area... (and i'm NOT just talking about mommy-daddy relations!) i was getting frustrated because Justin's really just naturally NOT very touchy... while i AM! if you know me... i'm huggin' on EVERYONE and their dog! so i'm just a touchy, lovey person normally! but justin is NOT... and often this really leaves me feeling rather cold as i grab my romance book off the bedside table and bitterly read about all the flirting in my BOOK.

so yesterday... justin had been at work for about 36 hours straight... Duty Day. :P So he came home and i decided i was gonna be as fickle as he was normally. Now, it was pretty easy since he brought a friend home with him (thank you very much for letting me know... i was cleaning out our closets in sweatpants, a baggy t-shirt and no undergarment!) AND nathaniel usually makes a point to have daddy's undivided attention when he gets home from work... so any kissing wouldn't have happened anyway. But once nathaniel was content and our friend was gone (about 2 hours later! :P) justin was wanting a kiss... and i just avoided it. Fed nathaniel, played with him, watched some TV, got on the internet... just did my own thing. And he's kinda noticing now that something's up... I start making some dinner and he was helping and kinda getting huggy, wanting a kiss. and i just said i didn't feel like it... that nothing was wrong, but that i just wasn't in the mood to get all kissy and stuff. He's like... "About 10 things are wrong with what you just said!" and i just laughed and said i wasn't feeling it. so he kinda sulked... went and did his own thing after he ate, and i watched TV... thinking he would come into the living room at any moment and DEMAND i kiss him after his long day at work! but no... HE JUST WENT TO BED! Seemed that my plan may have backfired... i hadn't meant at all to upset him... just kinda make a point. :S plus i had wanted to take an uninterrupted shower, and needed his help with nathaniel to accomplish that! BUT i didn't get that, so i just dealt with it and took a shower anyway... called my mom, chatted with her... put nathaniel to sleep, and then curled up in bed, WITH A BOOK (though... not romantic... "1984") and settled in. Woke up this morning to justin up 1/2 an hour early, out in the living room checking things on the computer... i came out, and continued with my distant treatment. he got ready, shaved, got his uniform on, and was at the door... i was NOT gonna let him go off to another full day of work without a kiss! :S

so i told him i loved him... "No you don't!" his playful reply was. and i laughed and looped my arms around his waist, looking up at him, smiling. "Why?" he asked. "Because." i laughed. "Thats not a reason!" he whined. I laughed a little more... "I wanted to give you a dose of your own medicine!" He looked totally flabbergasted! "Well thats a basic!" he exclaimed! "So?" i shrugged.

Anyways... what got me was that he went on to tell me that he'd been really frustrated... he wasn't gonna FORCE me to kiss him, but he hadn't know what to do with himself! "I didn't even want to watch the new Scrubs!" I just thought it was... unexpected how it had affected him, AND how he had handled it. he had totally been beside himself... wandering around the apartment, trying to figure out what to do with himself! it was slightly funny... but i really hoped he would see how i felt those nights with ALL I WANTED WAS TO MAKE-OUT A LITTLE!!!

I read a Bible vs... where it explains that once you're married the wife's body is her husband's, and his body, her's... now i'm not talking about demanding sex here, i'm talking about ALL touchy-feely-lovey stuff. And i know that usually it's reverse... the man wants more, and the woman has a "headache" or is "too tired"... but i'm talking about having that common respect and care for one another in the physical area. Sexually, and other areas... offering to take the kids so your spouse can have a decent SHOWER, for example! ;) AND... knowing when cuddling is enough, too and loving that time together too.

i am praying about this balance... and it IS something we can pray about! who knew sex and the such could be COMPLICATED! ;) never would have guessed it in those nice dating/newly married days!

baby steps...

2009-01-05T08:28:00.003-05:00

well, i've kinda-sorta been MIA lately... i just feel like theres not much to blog about in my life... even the holidays left me feeling like i lead the ultimate boring life! lol BUT... i am back and will try to blog more often.

Nathaniel is now 9 months old, has one small tooth, and has taken his first steps and is well on his way to destroying our home even more! Thankfully it was a night where Justin and i were BOTH home and purposely working with him. :) i had the camera and justin was walking with him, then letting go and calling nathaniel to him. lol so he had our undivided attention! He is now trying to stand and walk by himself ALL THE TIME! :) soon he'll be climbing... i don't know WHAT i'm going to do then! i have lots of shelves and bookcases!!!!

Justin and i have decided to have me move home... and we are currently investigating the option of buying a house... applying for a loan, checking out houses, talking to realators. I have mixed feelings about it... excited to be HOME, with family, going to school, and buying a house... BUT, the uncertainty of it all scares me, and the thought of being so far from my husband for so long makes my heart ache. It will not be easy... or fun, really. But things have just kinda fallen into place, and justin feels confident in this decision. I think this takes a lot of stress off his shoulders... and maybe adds it to mine, but i feel like thats ok. It will maybe even be good for me. ??????? But... we were kinda in this limbo, and it was freaking us both out and we really just needed to make a choice. So we did... and we're walking in faith and praying that God is going before us. I intend on spending a lot of time at school, with my family (both sides), and at the gym.

I know that living this far apart for a husband and wife will have very..... touchy, vulnerable, and sensitive situations involved. Our communication will have to be sharp, and we will both have to watch our company. So as much as i love my guy friends... i'm gonna have to be careful about hanging out with them. this is new to me... but out of respect for Justin, i think i should limit hanging out with my guy friends to hanging out in groups, if that. plus, I'LL just feel more comfortable that... i don't want rumors going around Oskaloosa!!!! Just my luck some old lady from my church would see me having lunch with a guy friend and the next day everyone thinks i LEFT my husband in VA and am having a hot affair!!! LOL LOL Pa-LEASE! I just don't want that starting... and i'm not even gonna sit here and preach, "I don't care what other people think!" because i do... i do a lot, and i think we should. When we take on the "I don't care what people think! I'll do what i want!" attitude, thats when people start getting in trouble, and getting hurt. So i'm mostly gonna have GIRL NIGHTS! Which i'm PUMPED about! :D lol

I also want to spend a lot of time at the gym for 2 reasons... 1.) i want to look smokin' hot for my hubby whenever we see one another! HAHAHA! 2.) my ex-very-serious-bf recently got engaged... and i need to look SMOKIN' for that wedding!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! i'm so evil, i know! ;)

and here are some pictures from over the holidays! :)

bad dreams...

2008-12-28T22:52:00.002-05:00

ugh... it's almost 11pm and i'm dredding going to sleep. I had the hardest time getting to sleep at all last night because of an unplanned, and untimely nap nathaniel and i took from about 7pm to 9:30pm! :S so we were both up and happy til about 2am, and i finally crawled into bed at about 3am, with a chick flick on for noise (since i was alone at home), and my most recent fiction reading material, The Bridges Of Madison County. So i lay there, planning to read til i doze off, my usual routine... 1/2 watching The Wedding Date... cute, light-hearted, funny, romantic. So i FINALLY doze off around 4 or 5am... then JERK awake not 20 minutes later due to a terrifying dream! i lay there, alone, trying to get the horrendous images out of my mind... a task i've yet to fully accomplish. i calm myself... trying to pray and assure myself that everything is peaceful. I doze off again, and this time i sleep maybe for an hour... but again wake up with a start because i was being attacked by a freakishly large locus or grasshopper in my dream while riding a bike to take Coffee Cake to my Sunday School class! Can you say STRANGE?????

so now i'm sitting here... trying to fill my head with GOOD things, yet drinking a full glass of Mountain Dew. I don't know if i want to sleep... i can sleep fine during the day, on the couch, cuddled up with nathaniel... which is what we did this afternoon for about 2 hours... and Justin will be home at some point tomorrow. I hope early... and then i can sleep in peace.

i'm just wondering where the heck those dreams came from... i can KINDA understand the more gruesome of the two... the first one. Dark, strange, new house... someone trying to break in, can't get to nathaniel, then nathaniel turning into something i don't even want to think about... i know where that came from. The image was from a movie commercial i saw on TV... a new horror flick. Something about an unborn twin haunting the born twin... i hate horror movies. i will never ever go see one... i went ONCE to one with justin, and i prayed that movie out of my memory as soon as i got home!!!! but i had a great evening... relaxing, fun with nathaniel, chick flick, sexy book... very NON-SCARY evening. so what gives? ugh... i truly believe it was satan trying to scare the pants off me and get to me while justin is away for the weekend. *sigh* i just wish he'd leave me the heck alone... EVERY TIME justin is gone and i'm alone in this stinking apartment, it happens... i don't sleep, i eat out of lonliness and boredom, and i have nightmares. *sigh* pray for me girls... my dreams often are the way Satan gets to me. I have a history of have HORRIBLE, gruesome, horror-movie-like dreams... when i was battling depression my Sr. year, while justin was in boot camp and i was alone at college, while i was pregnant, and ever since i was little, now that i think about it. Anyone else have dream problems? any advice to get them to GO AWAY? i'm troubled by them...

In the Face of a Stranger...

2008-12-25T08:06:00.002-05:00

Di went to wal-mart last night... yes, i am crazy. Wal-Mart? on Christmas Eve? Madness. But as i inched my way out of the parking lot after my 3 hour adventure, a man and woman stood at the intersection caught my eye... he was playing a guitar, and she was holding their dog and a sign that said "Merry Christmas". Usually Justin and i drive by, i say a prayer and leave it at that... Justin doesn't like to give them money because he thinks they'll just feed some addiction.

But i was alone with Nathaniel, it was Christmas Eve, and i was feeling pretty thankful for the blessing God had given me this year... so i wanted to pass it on. So as i drove up on the couple, i grabbed a $10 out of my billfold... and as i drove by, i leaned out my window awaiting the man to take the bill. And when he did, he looked straight into my eyes... he was young, and had a... "dashing" look to him, even through the dirt and greasy hair. He had a beard growing out, and a longer haircut reminded me of Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic), but what really stunned me was his eyes... they were the lightest blue, sky blue eyes that pierced through you... and when he said "Thank You..." i felt it... i got goosebumps all down my body and i was overcome with emotion. As i hurried along, and started down Jefferson Ave. toward my nice, warm, full apartment... i had trouble catching my breath and fighting tears. I prayed over and over for that man and woman...

Now, maybe i'm a easy catch for scammers... and maybe they'll go out and buy drinks and get drunk for Christmas with my money, or maybe they'll put it toward an ugly addiction... but maybe they won't. and if they do, God will deal with them, i did what i was supposed to do and i do not regret giving them my last $10. Maybe they had kids, maybe they'll go to IHOP or Wal Mart and get some new socks of gloves or blankets... i don't know... but it got me thinking about how TRULY blessed i am... not just with a son, and fancy things... but the small things. As i ate my meatloaf last night... i was thankful i could afford to make it, in a nice kitchen, in a nice apartment, dressed in warm clothes, in a warm apartment, while i watched TV, and played with my son who had clean diapers, and enough cereal and formula and warm, clean clothes....

and i'm thankful for God sending Jesus... He didn't have to, but He did, because He just loves us THAT much. And i'm not just blogging about this because i think i'm some great person because i gave to the poor... please don't misunderstand. This experience just really made me thankful, and made me change my mood... i was actually pretty bummed. Away from family, unable to afford much as far as gifts go... but you know, thats plenty. Why are gifts so dang important, anyway? i mean, ya they're nice, and i'm thankful for parents who spoiled us... but don't laughter, and quiet moments have any value anymore?

I'm just very thankful this Christmas... and i hope this made you think, and praise God also... God Bless you all, and Merry Christmas.

let the rush begin!

2008-11-30T21:32:00.002-05:00

oh my gosh... i am home and in full swing BUSY! :S I ended up missing my 6am flight, and had to wait around the airport for about 5 1/2 hours for another flight! :( UGH! But Nathaniel was a champ! and Justin was amazing as he worked to get me on another flight. :) I sure did marry a SuperMan! :)

Got into Iowa on Friday night and have had 2 Thanksgivings already, church, family time with justn's mom, a Maple Ridge church service, lots of leftover turkey sandwhiches, and hot chocolate at Smokey Row ALREADY! wow...

It snowed last night and all today though... :) i've loved it! though most everyone HERE wants me to take the snow to VA with me when i go back! ;) I certainly wouldn't mind! It would make everything feel a whole more like Christmas as well as get Justin out of work! ;)

but i hope to get a few more blog in while i'm here... maybe a few more that may be more poetic. :) God Bless!

3 days and counting!

2008-11-24T15:57:00.003-05:00

well, not counting today (because it's almost over- 4pm) and not counting Friday (since i get there at 10am... early for me ;) we have 3 days til i fly home!

i am WAY excited! more excited i think than any other time... i think because of the season i get to go home during! i still feel really bad for justin... but i've had multiple friends from church tell me they'll have him over, and then he's spending lots of LONG DAYS on the ship... days where at the end, he just wants to come home and sleep... which i don't really let him do cuz i'm needy like that... and want MY time with him. :P lol But he's looking forward to the "guilt-free sleep" :) and i guess i'm looking forward to a little of that kind of time too... i'm hoping to be able to do some things while home and take advantage of the grandmas being there to babysit! :)

but yeah... i have a really full week! justin's gone all day today... most likely until 10pm (and he took the truck, which has the carseat base in it... so i can't run to wal mart like i wanted.), tomorrow i need to make a last run to WalMart before Thanksgiving and the trip home, and maybe take nathaniel to get checked out at the Doctor's... he's had a stuffy nose for over a week! :( poor baby. Then wednesday i'm throwing together most of the food i have to make for our dinner on Thanksgiving... cheesy potatoes, scalloped corn, veggies, rolls, green beans, butterfinger pizza, and a pie... i think thats all. :S along with getting all that ready to go, i need to get most of nathaniel and i's things ready and packed for our trip home, as THURSDAY i do not want to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off! i want to relax, watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade with my hubby and son, and enjoy finishing up the cooking and the dinner with friends. We have to be up and moving by 3:30am at the latest! out Flight takes off at 6am, so we have to check in by 5am, so have to leave the apartment by 4:30am at the latest! UGH!!!!!! i will be DEAD! then as soon as i get home i have a Thanksgiving that night with my dad's side of the family!

long week!!!!!!!! but i'm excited! i like being busy with family and friends! :) and i can't wait to be home for all the things leading up to Christmas... Family get-togethers for Thanksgiving, the home-town Christmas Parade, my grandma's church's women's Christmas thing, Advent, Maple Ridge's Christmas Party, and i hope SNOW!!! :)

MY HUSBAND ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

2008-11-21T18:26:00.002-05:00

ok, so this week... my hubby totally rocked and made me SO PROUD! :)
He had duty on tuesday... which means he had to go to work at about 6am but wouldn't be back until about 5pm the NEXT NIGHT! :( so on wednesday, i get a text saying to be ready to go out that night. I was all excited... any time we get out of the house is exciting to me! ;) So i asked him where we were going, and he wouldn't tell me... just to wear jeans and a nice shirt. Ok, whatev. So he gets home, i'm showered and about ready... we load up Nathaniel and leave. He drives to RedLobster... hmmmm, this is good. So we go in and order and such and are about 1/2 way through our meal when he smiles and asks, "Don't you have any idea WHY we went out tonight?" Honestly, i thought he'd just wanted to be sweet for me... and DID NOT question it! lol I just went along with it and enjoyed! So i think... ok, what's the date. No wedding ann, no significance at all... so i ask, "Did something happen on this date?" "Yeeeeeeeesssssss..." was all he said... i sat and thought and thought. NOTHING CAME TO MIND! so he bagan... "On November 19th... two-thousand... and eight... you became... MRS... AO3 Schaefer!"

for all you civilians ;) this means he passed his big test and got promoted to 3rd Class Petty Officer, a pretty good pay-raise, and a great acheivement! I was SOOO excited for him!!!! :D and he was SO PROUD! he was grinning from ear to ear! I LOVED seeing him like that!

Also... he's taking me on a date to the movie Twilight tonight... and i'm pretty dang excited! :)

might start a little something new...

2008-11-19T01:39:00.003-05:00

[sometimes i get in the mood where i just want to write, for the sake of writing... just to feel the keys under my fingers, just a little time to let my imagination go wild, a time to light my candles, put on my music, and write... maybe write some deeps thoughts that lead to nowhere, or maybe... i'll start writing some of my wonderings... the stories that go through my head when i listen to my songs. So... you don't have to read, but i'm gonna write what i see when i listen to my favorite songs that inspire me... so, here i go.]

The fall wind weaved itself through her auborn hair... twisting and twirling it into a frizzy do. The sun was setting, casting the last bit of warmth her way... a grin crept across her lips as she took a deep breath. She drove her big, rusty-red truck down the road, headed nowhere in particular. Her music played, a simple tune, about a boy, with guitar gently strumming behind soft drums and the singer's smooth voice. The song lifted into the wind, trailing behind the car, in the same rhythm... light and deep with emotion. She pulled over to the side of the road, next to a field of tall grass. It was the color of light sand... a beach out in the middle of her country. She sat, letting the song bring memories into her mind... pictures of smiles and innocent touches fill her. The warmth in her heart overflowed to make her grin into a full smile. She got out of her truck, feeling the warmth of the setting sun on her cheeks as she walked out into the field... drifting her fingers over the tops of the prickly grass.

He was wonderful... They'd parked right here 3 years ago to stargaze... his arm had draped over her shoulders, and she'd laid her head on him while laying in his truck bed. She could still smell him... nothing special, just the smell of his skin and his laundry detergent... but HIS smell, none-the-less. Now, she looked up into the blue sky as it darkened in shade... it was the color of his eyes... she searched it, the same way she'd searched his that night... searching for anything that might promise her forever. She'd prayed... in the moment he caught her looking at him and locked eyes. What she'd prayed, she couldn't pinpoint... it was as if everything spilled out in that one millisecond. all her fears, her wants, her needs, her dreams, her insecurities... had he read every one of those private thoughts in her eyes that night? He had to have... he'd known her better than anyone from that moment on... always fragile and vulnerable under his watch... as he cherished her.

She raised her arms above her head, seemingly to embrace the sky... the wind whipped around her, wrapping her in a warm embrace... and through time and distance... she knew he was thinking of her too. And she took comfort in that moment... as she stood hugging the sky, listening to her sweet song of magic from her truck radio... that he was thinking of her too for even one second... thats all she needed.

She took one more breath and dropped her arms around her. She turned and walked back to her truck as the song ended. She got in, closed the door, and drove away from her field. And a thousand miles away, he stood, frozen in the middle of his small apartment, in the middle of a cold and busy city that did not know him... feeling his heart stir at the thought of a girl who'd known him and loved him... and he felt her magic.

The Thing About Marriage...

2008-11-18T12:11:00.002-05:00

You have people tell you over and OVER before you actually take that first step down the aisle "Marriage is hard sometimes..." or "Marriage is a lot of work..." but for some reason, we don't seem to register that fact. We may think "well, maybe it's work for YOU! but it won't be that hard for me!" and then when a day dawns where you're not feeling only warm and lovely feelings toward your spouse we seem blindsided and shocked! and we scramble through our memories for that moment where we lost that constant grin and anticipation and young feeling! WHAT WENT WRONG? WHAT DO I DO NOW????

a kiss is just a fleeting thought before leaving the house, and may go completely overlooked once they return... while when we first got together, EVERY kiss was a thrill and looked for and did things to our heart and body that had us earning for the next chance for our lips to meet... while NOW, we MIGHT get that feeling once a week... if we're lucky. Suddenly your spouse may not feel as interesting or mysterious as before, or as sweet or attentive. We may try to talk to him, maybe try to open some locked treasure of something we DIDN'T KNOW before... something new to learn... something so spark some new interest! but... maybe the things you learn weren't what you had in mind and only make you wonder... "did i know this man before i married him?" Not that you regret it at all... you still love him and can't imagine being with anyone else... you know he loves you too, he's provided for you, is faithful to you, and maybe has given you children. but... isn't there more than that? can't we get back to the beginning????

no, i suppose not... then how do we make love deep again? WE can read all the books we want... but what if nothing on their end changes? what if after WE try to fix our thinking, we still can't change the fact that sometimes... our feelings may not change.

This was just thinking... nothing to worry about justin and i... we are no worse off than any other couple learning that marriage indeed IS work... We are still in love, we are not fighting constantly, and we are continuing to pray for one another. :) we just had a heart-to-heart talk last night that got me thinking.

i am sooooooooooooo bored...

2008-11-10T21:16:00.002-05:00

and excited! :) i feel extremely selfish though, being this excited about going home even when justin will be stuck on the ship and here alone. But i am seriously PUMPED! first off, we're totally surprising my grandpa and maybe my Mother in Law! AND maybe my best friend! lol I fly in at about 10am on Nov. 28th and then i have my VanZomeren side Thanksgiving that night, but before that i think i'll drive up and surprise my Mother in Law! :) i HOPE she doesn't already know... but we'll see. Then Sat. night my mom's side of the family is having their Thanksgiving get-together... and thats when i think we'll surprise my grandpa. HE WILL TOTALLY FREAK OUT! :D lol He is so depressed thinking that he won't see us til March, when nathaniel is a year old... and he's so obsessed with his great grandkids... he's even put a swing up in the middle of their living room, hanging it from the ceiling! lol So our plan is to while my grandpa is in his shop or in the basement, i'll come in and put nathaniel in the swing, and then i'll hide... and grandpa will see nathaniel in the swing and i'll come out and be like "SURPRISE!!!!!" HAHAHAHAHA!!!! cannot wait! Then i'm also gonna try to surprise my Mom in Law... just by walking into the house and being like "just wanted to stop by!" :D lol Then as far as my best friend knows i'm flying BACK to VA on Nov. 13th... the same day SHE is flying INTO iowa! LOL so i'm thinking i'm gonna try to go with whoever is picking her up or drive up and surprise HER too!!!! Cuz she's been begging me to extend my stay but i keep telling her it's just too expensive. YAY! i LOOOOOOOOOOVE surprisig people!

and along with all that, i get to go to BOTH of my family's Thanksgiving Get-Togethers, and Oskaloosa's Lighted Christmas Parade, AND my grandpa's birthday! :)

i can't help but feel bad for justin though... i feel so bad for him. He doesn't seem bothered with it though... he says he wants "guilt-free sleep" and time to himself before he's stuck on a ship. And he's never been as close to his family as i am to mine... not NEAR as close. Family is truly #2 to me (#1 is God) and to him... he's dived into the whole independent from family thing... his family is just really different than mine. It seems that once they graduate, they are on their own, free and encouraged to live their own lives apart from "home"... while me, i can never picture a life without my family right down the road... which to some, that seems like we haven't "cut the cord" or that i've been to sheltered in my life... but, i WANT my family in my back pocket... i WANT my family in all my business! My family is my foundation... they are the ones that lead me in my walk with Christ until i could walk on my own... they are the ones who stood by me and prayed for me when i was broken... and they are the ones that still soak in all the joy that is also in my life... my joy is their joy... my pain and frustration is theirs... and i love that. While when i look at justin... it just seems like he's just out there all on his own, except for me at his side... it's SO different from my family. But i desperately want to become more a part of their family... and i kinda hope that i can bring a little of the magic in MY family into theirs... It's gonna be an uphill battle i think... because i am so, SO different... but i think thats one of the reasons God placed me in this particular family, He knew i would at least try...

MY HUBBY ROCKS... a day late.

2008-11-08T08:02:00.002-05:00

Well, last night justin and i decided to take nathaniel out on a date! we had 2 Olive Garden gift cards, so went there... we had to wait for a seat for about 45 min, then once we got our seat nathaniel started getting fussy. i just don't think he liked sitting in his carrier... i think we're gonna have to start just carrying him, and letting him sit in a high chair thing. But so i took him and changed him, but we was still left unsatisfied... Justin inhaled his food, then once he was done, he took on the job of entertaining Nathaniel so that i could sit and enjoy my meal... he played with him, tried to show him how to color, went and mixed up some formula... i just thought it was SO SWEET of him to inhale his meal, so that i could enjoy mine.

another amazing thing he's done is this... i've been planning a trip home for the time period of while he would be out to sea. From the day after Thanksgiving to about the 13th. Well... the military changed their plans... and totally flip flopped the time he would be gone and the time i would be home. ugh! so my parents offered to pay for the change... and i was torn, because my Aunt had already planned to wait til i arrived to have our family Thanksgiving, and i also really wanted to take Nathaniel to the Osky Lighted Christmas parade... but i wanted to extend because otherwise i'd be home alone, but also i wanted to be home for my grandpa's birthday, and my best friend who now lives in Tennessee would be flying home on the 13th! ugh! SO... justin encourages me to just extend the trip, while keeping my arrival date. Thats a long trip! and that leaves him here alone for about a week and a 1/2. I was apprehensive about it... i felt bad for leaving him... but he was so sweet and just said, "i want you happy, and home makes you happy... if you have the chance to stay longer, you'll be happy longer"... LOL i told him that it's not like home is the only thing that makes me happy and that HE made me the happiest, but i understood what he was trying to say. :) He also said "I want everyone to see Nathaniel and how awesome he is! Go and enjoy!"... I think he's also wanting a little bit of time to just himself before he has to go live with 2300 other people and have NO privacy! :S but heck, I DON'T BLAME HIM!!! lol so i extended my stay at home. i'm pretty excited... :) and justin just makes me love him all the more when he's so selfless like that... you don't find that quality in men often. lol I love him so much. :)

My mom's not calling me back fast enough!

2008-11-06T19:58:00.002-05:00

so i'll kinda vent here! so... justin was supposed to go out to sea from Nov. 30th to about Dec. 8th. So i planned a trip home, courtesy of my parents for Nov. 28th through Dec. 13th. Excited... was able to get decent tickets from Norfolk to DesMoines... and i was super glad i would have to be here while Justin was gone! i HATE that... i get nervous and really lonely and easily depressed. no fun at all. But then today... justin comes home and informs me that they've changed the entire schedule!!!!! so now i'll be home for most of the time that he's gone out to sea! GRRRRRRR!!!! clear to the 20th of December!!!!! so now i'm debating on whether we should change my dates... though it will cost extra. :( so i don't know... i wanted to stay longer in the first place because my grandpa's birthday is on Dec 18th, but i didn't want to lose out on days i could spend with my hubby... especially if i'll be moving home in March (STILL not totally sure, but moving forward planning that way).

this is just so typical of the military too... they never stick to anything they say... they push you and pull you this way and that... breaking their word, making excuses... i'm just so sick of the military. And living here, i feel like i'm not supposed to say that or feel that way... all the wives i talk to "love" the military... me? i hate it... i hate everything about it... except the health care and pay checks. :P

i just don't know what to do... i'm mad, but i have no one to be mad AT... it's not like i can march in there and shake my finger at some captain and tell him all about how he messed up my schedule! :P and it's not justin's fault at all... he just tells me what they tell him! Anyways... i'm mad, i don't know what to do about my plane tickets, and my mom needs to call me so i can figure out what i should do. :S

TV night...

2008-11-02T23:30:00.002-05:00

Well, justin has been gone all day, and i've spent the entire night doing NOTHING. Justin had duty starting at 7am this morning, and will not be back home until tomorrow evening after work. ugh... hate these days/nights. i always freak myself out when bedtime comes around... i always think i hear something or see some shadow... eek. :S

I"m making a short trip home in late nov./early dec... justin is going out to sea for about 10 days, so i decided to fly home for about 2 weeks... but DON'T TELL ANYONE! We're making it a surprise for my grandparents. :) my grandpa will FREAK OUT when i walk in the day after Thanksgiving. :) i THINK i'm looking forward to it... i'm getting really worn out flying all the time though... i really wish that my family could come HERE... but i know it's just easier if i go there, more people can see me... bla bla bla. :P i'm just tired of packing up everything i need, and everything nathaniel needs... then hauling it all back and having it laying all over... i feel like i'm ALWAYS living out of a suitcase... whether i'm here, or there... and i hate running through the airport, and not having a car when i'm there, and worrying about justin maybe missing something... ugh! oh well... just part of the military-life, huh?

so... the election is upon us... i can't wait for it to be over! i'm not ashamed to say i've already voted for McCain... i went my MORALS, not my pocketbook. :) maybe i'll feel like listing all my reasons and asking for debate on Election Day... but not tonight... i'm feeling too lazy tonight... like every night mostly.

I have a whole list of things i SHOULD be doing. unloading the dishwasher, doing MORE dishes, folding the HUGE pile of clothes on my bedroom floor... but have i even TOUCHED those things???? NOOOOOOOOO!!!! ugh... i disgust myself... i don't know why i HATE doing those things so much... they are just so repetetive, and unappreciated. Justin doesn't notice... or at least he doesn't say anything if they are or are not done! he doesn't care! BUT... i need to kick my butt in gear and get to it... right Katy? :S so... in about 10 min. when my show is over, i'm gonna go pop some popcorn, get a movie, and go back to my bedroom and get to work. :P

... maybe. :P

my husband ROCKS!

2008-10-31T07:21:00.002-04:00

This week my husband really touched my heart by talking to another woman. I had tried unsuccessfully to book a flight ticket online multiple times and was getting very frustrated. Nathaniel was crying, it was late, i was tired, i'm not sure about the trip i was booking in the first place... i just wanted it DONE. ANd the website wouldn't accept my card because it wasn't able to match the address i put in, and the address on my card... with all our moving, i'm not surprised, but i was grouchy. So justin graciously took my phone, and called the Costumer Services line... he was one the phone repeating numbers, dates, names for about 45 min. when the call was dropped. He was a tad put out, but just called back and got it all booked and paid for... not once getting frustrated with me... though i'm sure he was thinking "Why in the world can this NOT wait til tomorrow!?!?!?!" But as i sat there, watching him... i was just really thankful for him... his street smarts when it comes to dealing with stuff like this, and his willingness to help me. I just think he's awesome... as a husband and a daddy! :)

uneventful weekend...

2008-10-27T18:48:00.003-04:00

well, nothing truly special happened this weekend. Justin had duty from 7am sat. morning to 7am sunday morning... so i bummed around the house with nathaniel who has a runny nose and a nasty cough. :( i've turned a Mister on in his room, and babied him... even spending a night out on the living room floor because he kept waking up and crying cuz he couldn't breath... poor baby. I had to suck out his poor little nose multiple times... and you can guess he HATED that! But i believe he is on the mend... he's sleeping a lot, so i think that helps.

Sunday morning rolled around and Justin was able to get home close to 9am... they often keep the guys as long as they can just cuz they like to throw around their authority. :P Nathaniel was still not himself, so we opted to stay at home and all rest instead of go to church. I hate doing that... but justin had had 2 4hr. watches over his duty day, so was very tired... and i didn't think it would be wise to take nathaniel to nursery with his cold. So i puttered around and babied my little one all morning, while justin got some much needed sleep. After he woke up we just kinda hung out... we went for a walk and played on a playground in our apartment complex for a little bit... we didn't want nathaniel to get too cold, so we played for only a short time. Came indoors and continued with our TV shows... i've become addicted to an HBO series "True Blood"... it's about Vampires, and rather gruesome... but it's interesting. And also "Army Wives" which is much more easy to watch! :)

Today i kicked myself into gear and cleaned my kitchen, did laundry, and got my tennis shoes out and went walking. :P I am reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and have had quite a few revelations... gee and i thought i was perfect! ;) lol but i just never knew that God commanded us as wives to keep ourselves attractive, or COMMANDED us to keep a clean house. i mean, i knew you should do both... but they hold a little bit more power when you know that they're COMMANDMENTS FROM GOD! lol so i'm trying to get better at both. I tend to like just bumming around the apartment in my sweats and playing with nathaniel if i know i'm not going out and no one else will see me or the apartment other than justin. But yeah... so thats been my weekend. :)

i've been TAGGED!?!?!!? ;)

2008-10-25T21:03:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged to play the "5 THINGS GAME" by katy! :) So here goes... The rules are to write 5 things under each of the 5 headings, and then tag 5 other people.

10 years ago...

1.) i was 11 years old
2.) I was still being homeschooled by my momma!
3.) i was still in GEMS at my church
4.) i was just descovering crushes and suck things related to boys!
5.) I had a TIGGER themed bedroom! lol

5 Things on Today's "To-Do" List...

1.) Do dishes
2.) Email Jen
3.) Give nathaniel a bath
4.) Fold clothes in bedroom
5.) Make sure Justin knows he's the love of my life! :)

5 Snacks I Enjoy...

1.) Popcorn
2.) Carmel and Apples
3.) M&Ms
4.) Cheese, salami, and crackers
5.) Mint-Chip ice cream

5 Things I Would Do if I were a Millionaire!

1.) Pay off family's debt... (extended family too)
2.) Pay for college
3.) Buy a House
4.) Update Family farm buildings and equipment
5.) Travel

5 Places I Have Lived...

1.) 228th St. Oskaloosa, IA
2.) Orange City, IA
3.) Friendly Dr. Newport News, VA
4.) Saint Thomas Dr. Newport News, VA
5.).... those are the only places. :S

5 Jobs i've had/still have...

1.) Server at Frosty Udder
2.) Fareway Food Stores
3.) Olive Garden
4.) "In Corretta's Care" Daycare
5.) A Mother :) (this is my favorite job so far!)

5 People I'm Tagging!

1.) Dana from Paper Memories
2.) Ashley from Jaded Mission
3.) Britt from Quietly Chootic
4.) Breanne at Glimpse
5.) Jenell at Mama on a Mission

Thanks!

Kreative Blogger Award! :)

2008-10-25T16:16:00.002-04:00

Well, i have been awarded a "kreative Blogger" award by Jenell which says i need to list 6 things i value, 6 things i don't, and the pass this award on to 6 other friends! thank you dear Jenell! :) makes me smile! SO... here goes!

Things I Value
1.) My persoanl relationship with Jesus Christ and His word.
2.) My amazing Hubby
3.) My precious son
4.) My extended family
5.) Chocolate
6.) Music

Things i DO NOT value
1.) The state of Virginia
2.) Angry music (the kind you can't understand)
3.) Dirty Dishes
4.) Bad traffic
5.) Long lines at Amusement Parks
6.) Weight Scales.

now for friends... i don't have many on here just yet, but oh well. :)

1.) Ashley at jaded mission (http://ashjdrake.blogspot.com/)
2.) Britt at Quietly Chaotic (http://kellnbritt.blogspot.com/)
3.) Dana at Paper Memories (http://irwdanataft.blogspot.com/)

:) those are all the friends who haven't already been tagged! ;) Thanks!

My Husband ROCKS!

2008-10-24T14:10:00.004-04:00

so this actually happened last weekend... but if i still remember it, so that must mean something. :) Last weekend, our church sunday school class had planned a trip to the Pumpkin Farm i mentioned in my last blog. We were to meet at the church at 9:30am and all drive the hour drive to the Pumpkin Farm! I was SOOOOO EXCITED! I was mostly anxious to go because it was a small taste of what Iowa was like... a FARM! :) But Justin had duty on Friday, which meant that he had to go to work at the normal time of 6am on friday morning but instead of coming home that evening, he had to stay all night and have a watch from 4am-8am, until about 8:30am on saturday! i was SO bummed... i figured Justin would just be too tired to go, and if we did go, he'd be complaining and grumbling the whole time about how tired he was... (and after the nights i've had with nathaniel, i honestly don't have much sympathy for him)... So come wednesday, i gently bring it up... and i brace myself for the grumbling... but justin surprises me.

"Well, i guess i'll just take some civilian clothes and just meet you at the church if i can't make it home by 9."

WHAT? No, "can't we just go another time?", "But i have duty, we can't go.", no "Can't you just go and i can stay home and sleep?" He smiled at my reaction, because i have to admit, i was rather shocked! Justin is the kind of man that NEEEEEEEDS his sleep... AT LEAST 8 hours of it! and he just doesn't get that over duty days. So his automatic willingness to happily go longer without sleep, OUT and about with other people before he got his rest, revealed to me how selfless he was being in this small act. :)

I was just really touched by how willing he was to go, even with lack of sleep. I appreciated this small, but significant act of kindness on his part... It meant a lot to me that he would gladly drag his sleepy behind to a pumpkin patch an hour away and force himself to be social... just for me! I was the one who so desperately wanted to go... and breath in that earthy smell and get cute pictures. I love him for these small things... :) He's pretty dang awesome.

2008-10-22T13:17:00.003-04:00

*DEEP BREATH* gotta love that autumn scent. Fall is my season... i love the colors, the weather, the holidays, the food... THIS is my time of year! always has been... especially at home.

i still love fall here, but back home... it's like magic... everything changes and everything good happens. Family seems to come together to help with the harvest, spending long nights out unloading the wagons and making sure the guys are kept full of warm food in "buckets". The smell of earth is in the air as you watch the combine make it's way across the field on the horizon, leaving a cloud of corn husks behind it. A special warmth creeps into your soul as you bundle up in warm, oversized sweatshirts, long socks, hats, and jeans... helped along by the hot cup of hot chocolate in your hand. The icey breeze is even welcome. In the distance, you hear the cheers from the football game, and the marching band's cadence... the excitement of the game hovering through the air and grows contagious through the small city. Thanksgiving is coming up... and you take the time to look at the harvest, at the accomplishment that the year before has brought... and you thank God.

i have a lot to thank God for this year... i have a good marriage about 2 years in, and i have a very happy and healthy son... i have a close relationship with my family, my best friends and i are closer, i have a nice apartment, and a running car. We're able to do some fun things like go to a Pumpkin Farm... for a little taste of hime. I'm a lot better off than some people i see here... so as much as i ache for home, for the real autumn season i've always loved... i am thankful

7 Random Things About MWA!

2008-10-15T17:52:00.003-04:00

So Ashley tagged me, so i have to share 7 random things about me! this is gonna kinda be hard i think... i don't consider myself a very "random" person... lol

1.) I like Japanese Anime... drawings, videos... unless they deal with creepy demon stuff. :S but i think drawings are really cool.

2.) I like bulldogs. i think they are so funny, though not the cutest of dogs.

3.) I am scared of the dark... like seriously.

4.) I have considered being an Architect. I love looking at the structure and designs of houses... for fun, i look at house plans, and clip out pictures from "Decore" magazine. lol

5.) I am seriously addicted to Chocolate. Sometimes i will be at home and have a craving for it, and will tear the kitchen apart looking for ANYTHING CHOCOLATE!!!!! and oreo, a snickers bar, a chocolate chip granola bar, even just some chocolate milk... i just HAVE to have chocolate.

6.) I have very strong toe muscles... lol VERY RANDOM, i know! i can pinch justin and leave marks with my toes. :)

7.) I like very odd, poetic music... music that has a kind of different sound, different harmony, different beat... not totally weird, like not African tribe music or anything... like, most of my "weird" music picks i've first heard on anime movies. :) They're not Japanese either, just... English, but just a little unknown and different. :)

So there are my random things... :) And now i have to tag other people!

Katie

Britt

Breanne

Dana has already been tagged, and ashley tagged me... so that all my friends! lol Thanks Ash! love you!

MY HUBBY ROCKS!

2008-10-03T13:06:00.003-04:00

It's friday!!!!! :D let's celebrate our men, shall we???

*sigh* lets see, what wonderful thing has my hubby done this week? many things actually... theres him taking care of me while i was sick (like, seriously taking care of me.),to him fixing up an broken computer and being able to sell it so we would have money to buy groceries and gas this month (he spent many hours taking it apart, getting parts, putting it back together, then running abunch of programs for it and making it A LOT better than it was!), to him INSISTING i buy something for myself instead of something for nathaniel with my birthday money... he's just pretty much amazing.

i guess what got to me this week though was that he really took care of me while i was sick one morning... i'd been up from 2:30am to about 4:15am with nathaniel and was battling this HORRIBLE migraine, i was sick to my stomach and had this odd lightheaded feeling... and any light hurt my head SO BAD... so i'm laying in bed trying to get back to sleep for about 45min. until his alarm went off at 5am for work... he wakes up and automatically flips on the light... i groan. He turns to me and asks what wrong, i tell him and he gets up right away and gets me some ibprofen and some water and a thermometer. He comes in and gives me the meds. and takes my temp... then proceeds to get a cool rag and lay it over my forehead and eyes... WHAT A SWEETIE! :) Right about then nathaniel starts to wake up, crying of course... but he just tells me to stay in bed, and he goes and changes nathaniel's diaper and makes him a bottle of formula... he's doing all this while he's SUPPOSED to be getting ready for work! what a good hubby! i ended up having to get up and keep an eye on nathaniel while he played anyway, but justin couldn't just call in sick to work with the Navy! :S lol but right away when he got off, he called and checked up on me, even after emailing me from work telling me he loved me. :)

i really got blessed when i found this man! :)

SLeeP DePriVaTion...

2008-10-02T05:57:00.003-04:00

oh my gosh... i seriously don't think i've had one, FULL night's sleep since nathaniel was born, though not all of it is his fault... i have the terrible habit of staying awake until the ungodly hours of the morning... but dang, would it kill the kid to sleep past 5am?????? and when he wakes up, it's not like i can feed him, and put him back to sleep in his crib, OH NO! he eats, then is on the go! he won't play in his crib, just scream... he won't lay in his swing and fall asleep, just starts turning in circles and ends up climbing out (yes, i'm serious... 6 month old dare devil on my hands here... he seriously turns around in his travel swing- that is very low to the ground- and slides out to the floor)... he won't play in his jumper, maybe for 5-10min. but then he wants out and LETS YOU KNOW IT!!!! He wants to be on the floor exploring!!!!! which, i can't just fall asleep and let him do! there are things he can get into... so i get up at 5am (after only about 2-5 hours of sleep) and have to sit up and keep an eye on him until he gets tired and needs his early morning nap... then i am finally able to get a nap too! but this is a problem on a day like today... i have MOPS at 9:30am... but i need to be there ahead of time, and i have to shower and get dressed... so i have to start getting around at about 8am... and THATS about the time nathaniel decides to chill and take a little nap! UGH!!!!! plus i'm sick... or something... i've had a headache for about 5 days straight, and i've been having dizzy, lightheaded spells, and also been a little queasy... which i fully intend on asking my doctor about on tuesday.

but anyway... i love being a mom, but i would REALLY love being a mom if it included even 6 hours of solid, deep sleep... which i think i'll MAKE happen this weekend. It's my birthday on sat. anyway... so justin can dang-well get up and take care of nathaniel! HA!!! I know he will anyway... he's sweet like that. ;) Well, nathaniel is actually fussing now, so maybe he's ready for a nap EARLY!!!!!! :D

Award Acceptance

2008-10-01T23:21:00.004-04:00

Well, my sweet friend Katy awarded me a blog award! i haven't been on here long, but i've enjoyed SO MUCH getting to know her, and many other friends better through their blogs! :D i live in Virginia, and so most of my friends live in iowa... so i miss out on lunches and get-togethers. But THANK YOU, Katy! I feel so special to know you consider me a good friend!

This award comes with a questionnaire:

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Some... i have one friend whose parent's went to the same birthing class that my parents went to! I was homeschooled though, so i didn't have a TON of friends, but the friends i did have are still dear to me, yes and i keep tabs on them. :)

2. What do you value most about your friends?
I value friends who are honest, and take the time a good friendship demands. i love friends who understand the idea of "give and take"... i also value easy-going attitudes in my friends... i hate drama!

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
All the time! i'm very indecisive... and a second guesser. :S i need the wisdom of my friends in a lot of big decision i make.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Watching movies, singing, and eating... :) i love friendships that are so comfortable you can sit and watch pointless TV and movies with... not saying anything, not forcing any kind of conversation, just sitting and relaxing... yet when you go your separate ways, you feel like you've still sat down and poured your heart out to them...

I'm also supposed to share this award with 4 other friends... :)

Ashley, at Jaded Mission
Dana, at Paper Memories
Britt, at Quietly Chaotic
Breanne, at Glimpse

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!! Thank you again, Katy! You are all so special to me!

big girl, grown up decision...

2008-09-29T23:53:00.003-04:00

well, justin and i are thinking about me moving home. it's a HUGE, scary decision... but we think it may be whats best for our little famiy. for many reason...

1.) save money- we are pretty much broke after bills every 2 weeks, so we haven't been able to save and we can't even think about paying for school! and we're scared of the financial situation we'd be in if we go home after Justin gets out of the Navy with nothing saved. We'd have to live with my family (7 people in my little house... eek!), and we'd BOTH have to find jobs, we'd BOTH have to figure out school, and we'd be rushing to try to find a house to buy or we'd have to move yet again into an apartment. So, if our math is right... if i move home we can save over $50,000 over the 3 year period.

2.) My Education- with nathaniel, it's pretty much impossible for me to go to school with a Music Major. There are just too many things i need to be involved in... choir, band, and private lessons mostly. I can't do those things online! :( To do this, we'd have to put nathaniel in childcare and 1.) we don't have the money and 2.) i don't really like the... attitude? i find in many places here. :S

3.) Foundation- especially with the economy going the way it is, we fill it's important for us to have a strong foundation when we move home... and with no jobs, no schooling, no house, and no savings... it wouldn't be a pretty picture. So if i move home that far ahead of time, it would give me plenty of time to get an established job, finish school (or at least almost finish), and possibly find a house and start getting that process rolling toward buying it... or possibly start building a house!

4.) At home i am free to be involved in things i love, like church things. Being here, i'm not a "Member" of a church because i want to keep my membership at my home church in Iowa, so it makes it's hard to be a part of a church choir, or a praise and worship team, or even work in nursery. But at home, in my home church, i can do whatever i want, and my pastor and others really WANT me!!!! where here, no one knows me or has seen my spiritual walk with Christ... but everyone back home has known me all my life! and with my family right there able and willing to help with nathaniel... while here, i know NO ONE and don't know any contacts to get done what i need to get done... i have to map quest EVERYWHERE... so being at home is just easier for me to get things done. i know that may seem small, but to me... it's important. i feel handicapped... and i hate just sitting at home ALL DAY, EVERY DAY... i get depressed a lot, and i'm always SO emotional, and i depend way too much on poor justin... i've become someone who can't do anything without HIM holding my hand! and i've become very anti-social...

so all-in-all... i just don't like who i am here, and i don't know how to change it. If i was able to go to school, i think it would be a WHOLE LOT BETTER, but it's almost impossible to do. :(

Some people i've talked to at home first questioned justin and i's marriage... WE ARE FINE!!!!! :) i get so frustrated with people assuming the worse. and thats one thing i would HATE about going home... i think that people would assume we were splitting up and talk behind my back... and i don't do well with that. another bad thing about moving home is justin would miss out on things with nathaniel... and possibly baby #2. :( but we think that nathaniel and baby #2 would be way too young to remember daddy not being there... ya know? he'd be home by the time nathaniel is 4... not even that late, but he'd be there for all the Christmas programs, and school concerts, and T-Ball games... so he'd be there in every memory they would have. but we just keep thinking that we may have to sacrifice such things NOW, in order to secure a safe future for our little family LATER. And i believe in our marriage... and i have faith in Justin that he would be faithful... i can't help but be insecure (thanks to ex's!!!! :P ) but he has never given me a reason NOT to trust him. He is just as decided as i am to make this marriage last no matter what may come our way! We love each other to no end... and i know he would be faithful... and i'd be too busy to even THINK about it! haha! :) besides... i love my husband so much... i'd never want to hurt him, and i don't want to lose him.

*sigh* big decision, but i think we've pretty much decided... i'm just waiting for that absolute stamp of approval from God... i feel peace about it, just nervous i think... it's a HUGE step of faith. Any thoughts are appreciated... I just had to kinda get this off my chest tonight... i can't seem to stop praying/thinking about it... and i just keep running in circles in my head about it... nights are the worst... all i can do is lay in bed and pray... which is good, but i ALWAYS second guess my thoughts and feelings... *GRRRRRRRRRR...* I'm just sick of thinking about it and sick of worrying about it... and i'm the kind of person where i want to make a decision, make a plan, put it into action, and stick to it! i wish God would just write what to do on the wall... or send me a quick E-mail. :S

Thanks for listening... i mean, reading. :)

6 months!

2008-09-24T16:26:00.002-04:00

well, went and got nathaniel's 6 month shots done... i was so proud of my boy!!!!! we didn't squirm, kick, or scream... he whimpered, and cried only when he actually got stuck... but he was so brave and strong! :) he is now peacefully taking a nap in his swing. I'm so proud of him!

Justin is gone and on the ship... he left yesterday morning, and will be back tonight. Then he'll have to leave again this week for another fast cruise. I HATE staying here alone... Just about died last night from a heart attack too!!!! i was laying in bed, reading and had the TV on for noise, when my bedroom door blew open and then slammed shut again with a huge BANG! i had left the sliding glass door open in the living room because the breeze was slightly chilly but made our apartment feel PERFECT! :) didn't help with making me feel any safer, but... i'm working on praying through that fear, so left it open. But oh my gosh! freaked me right out when i saw the door start to open out of the corner of my eye!!!

he'll be gone a lot in the next few months... over 2 weeks anyway. ugh... i'm NOT looking forward to it at all.

a weekend come and gone...

2008-09-21T17:27:00.002-04:00

well we had a BIG weekend for us! :) The pictures went GREAT! :) nathaniel was ADORABLE (as usual) and we got out of there only spending $25! granted, i didn't get near as many pics as i WANTED, but we got what we needed... a few for grandparents, one of nate for us, and one of all three of us for us. :) The pics are actually going to be available to us for the next 6 months online, so when we have enough money we'll go back and buy others and the grandparents can go and buy oodles of them! :) lol i was raelly happy with them though! :)

then today our new church had their annual "LibertyFest", a HUGE church picnic pretty much... but this is a church of between 3000 and 5000 people, so they had like, 12 big inflateable "games" and slides and stuff, classic cars parked to look at, boats from Bass Pro Shop on display, exoctic birds at a booth from a bet store or something for the kids to look at, catered buffet of fried chicken and sides, then a HUGE giveaway of up to $400 Wal-Mart giftcards, up to $500 gas cards, gift certificates to every nice restaurant in the area, a camper, and a all-expense-paid Cruise for 2... i had my fingers crossed for the cruise. :( but we didn't win anything. Oh well... it was still really fun! it's a huge change though from my little church's "church picnic"! i miss knowing everyone in my church, but we met some new people today so thats good. :)

now we're just hanging out at home... relaxing, doing laundry, gonna eat supper soon... it's been a good weeekend... :)

CHEEEEEEEEESE!!!!

2008-09-20T14:31:00.003-04:00

so... nathaniel will be 6 months old tomorrow! i can hardly believe it... the time has TRULY just gone by in the blink of an eye! We have never had professional pictures taken of him, so we decided that we better get that done! though we not quite sure how we'll afford it, i'm sure a kidney will suffice. ;) lol but i'm excited to have some done of him... he's just such a CUTIE!!!! plus we're gonna have some family pictures done of all three of us... THAT has me a bit more nervous!!!!! i've yet to completely lose all my "baby fat" and i've just never been one to LOVE what i see in the mirror... but i'm sucking it up and doing it. I know i'll be glad i did in the future. Plus my mom was simply awesome and let me buy a top on her... with my body changing so much from week to week it seems, it's hard to keep up... plus we all needed to match-kinda-sorta... so that was a problem. But i think we found a top for me that is flattering, mom-modest, stylish, and matches the boys. :) I found a $10 gift card to Babies R Us so we were also able to get nathaniel a nice baby-botton down. :D SO ADORABLE!!!!!!! *sigh* he just looks like such a big boy in it!!!

but anyways... i'm showered and have my hair done... all i have to do is do my makeup and get in my outfit, get nathaniel dressed, and fed and then we're off!!!! I'm SO nervous!!!!! i wish my mom were here to make sure i'm not getting ripped off and that i'm doing everything right, and i wish chuck (carly- my sister) were here to make sure we all look good! lol anyways... better get to moving! :S eek!

LALALALALALALAAAAA

2008-09-15T00:49:00.002-04:00

so i'm a Christian... have been my entire life... i believe the Bible as fact, and have seen God work in my life in real and tangible ways. I am also a very... peaceful person... i do not debate... and i HATE confrontation. So recently i read a friend of mine's "note" on facebook... and she was simply sharing Peter's story about when he walked out onto the water, yet when he took his eyes off Jesus, he started to sink, and when Jesus took his hand he was brought upright once again... and she just said that that really reflected her life right now... how she really saw in her life how when she took her eyes off Jesus, things tend to go down hill, but when she continues to look to God, things just feel more peaceful. Her family attended my church for a lot of years, until her parents divorced... but i still know them all. Well her older brother, Tyler got on there and kinda tore it to pieces... just demeaned her insight into her faith... kinda pissed me off. This girl's been through A LOT, and i thought it was beautiful to see her writing a public "note" about her spiritual life. He asked her what kind of things Jesus could do that anyone else couldn't do for her? So i pointed out that i was pretty sure no one I knew would/could die on a cross and raise themselves from the dead to grant me eternal salvation and a place in heaven... and i also quoted Hebrews 11:1 which says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." because one of his points was that anything in the world can be explained by logic and reason... except the idea of God and Jesus being a real person. Well, that got him going!!!!! He is now all over my tale about how the Bible isn't a "credible source of history" and how the blessing i pointed out in my life could have happened without God's help and how he thinks it's foolish to "reject" reason and logic and just believe in some invisible and omnipotent God. I hate debates... and then he says some stupid comment about how Hebrews 11:1 is like saying that if he really believes that there is a "purple unicorn" in his closet than it MUST be true because he says so... no matter what the facts or evidence. UGH!!!!!!! i'm NOT the person to freaking DEBATE with people about this!!!! God shouldn't HAVE to prove Himself!!!! It makes me angry and very sad... i SHOULD be asleep, but i couldn't stop thinking about it... so i prayed, and ended up crying because i don't want to fail... i want to beat him! i want to prove to him that Jesus is REAL! but i don't know HOW without using God's own word! my only comeback is that i'm pretty sure that "purple unicorn" of his didn't have a book talking all about him for thousands of years! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

plus i've just got SO MUCH other... CRAP on my mind... heavy, big people choices to make... and i can't seem to shut down my brain... and i can't see the future... so that doesn't help at all... :P

Can't Book Series Just Go On Forever???

2008-09-13T23:16:00.002-04:00

So i'm a reader... i have a book shelf FULL, i mean PACKED 2 rows deep on every shelf of books... i have to have SOMETHING to read at all times... i prefer series, though i think i have a hard time with series ENDING. lol I first noticed the deep attachment that i seem to develop with series when i read the Kids Left Behind series... i literally bawled when the series ended. Then more recently i read through all the books that Phillippa Gregory wrote on the wives of Henry VIII (though technically not a series) and i seemed to have a empty and unsettled feeling when i came to the last book, not because of the way the series ended, but that they ended at all and that i was left with no more fluid reading material. :S And now... i find mysefl almost frantic for December to come for the Twilight Movie to come out because i just finished the last Twilight book... and i am searching all over Google for pictures from the movie! i have a sickness. i am an adict!!! I am hooked fast, and seem to live and breath the book i am reading, and then when the supply to my addiction is suddenly cut off i am always left unsatisfied, no matter what the ending! Then i go through almost panicy withdrawls! and i scramble for my next "hit" or series! lol

i wish there was a support group for this. :P

My Husband Rocks!

2008-09-12T19:46:00.002-04:00

saw this on a girlfriend's blog, and want to join the fun! i agree that in these days that marriages are viewed as work, as something you get stuck in, wives seen as the "ball and chain"... well, there are still sweet moments every now and then. :)

this week justin and i had some ups and downs... we're battling some big, grown up decisions. But one night this week, he came home from work and i was already making supper in the kitchen. He proceeded to play with nathaniel and play on his XBox a little, and randomly he comes into the kitchen, kisses my cheek, and just kinda smiles at me while he grabs a drink. I asked him, "What?" and he just stops to stand next to me and the counter, and simple-like states "You're just amazing." and walks back to the living room.

it's just nice to know that he sees me that way... sometimes you start to feel like the lamp in the corner of the room when you've been married for awhile... like you're just THERE... so it's nice to be reminded that you're something special to him. :)

Brace yourselves! Here We Go!

2008-09-11T07:13:00.002-04:00

well, i love to blog... but we'll see how this goes. When it comes to blogs, because of my passion to write in general, sometimes i lose sight of the line that's drawn between "blog material" and "too personal"... but my hope is that here, on a site dedicated to blogs alone, that maybe i won't have to think about that... that i can just write... nothing TOO personal, i assure you, but just personal enough to actually be able to write about whats on my heart, get it off my chest, and maybe just be able to think some stuff though... we'll see...

but at this moment... i'm content... i miss my family, and i wish i were with them... but i have my husband, and i have my son... and i adore them both. I am blessed beyond my understanding in them... we can pay our bills, we have clothes to cover our backs, we have food in our cupboards, we have a comfortable and safe home(safe enough... not as safe feeling as IOWA, but...), and we are healthy... and i feel fulfilled in my faith in my Savior and in my "occupation" as a mom and wife at the moment... guess, i'm just along for the ride. :)

1000 miles in my shoes...

NaNoWriMo... am i crazy? yes, yes i am.

Introducing...

Yes... for the 57th time... I AM only carrying ONE CHILD.

i'm pregnant... it's 1am... i should be in bed.

FINAL blog for class! WEEEEE!!!!

...The Web Quest Challenge...

The Technology Gender Devide

Class Activities Monday, April 4th

*personal update* just a little bit busy!

VOKI

*Wordle*

change of pace...

2010 in Review...

my goodness... it's been far too long...

bittersweet... story of my life.

i'm starting to get a little dizzy...

Memorial Day...

i really need to blog more...

Never gets easier...

2 days & a "wake up"...

17 days...

*22 days*

41 days...

one of those nights...

46 days...

a prayer...

on the downhill slope...

are we there yet?

UGGGGGGGGGGGG boots... ;)

*My husband Rocks*

POOR ME! :P

dread...

just feeling excited!

i have 4 less teeth... and it SUCKS.

update...

**My Husband ROCKS!**

whats up?

got me thinking...

Ashley's Giveaway!!!!!

*My Husband Rocks*

insecurity...

2.5 weeks down...

in this together...

blog give-away!!!

one week til the end of life as we know it...

Ashley's Awesome Giveaway!

My Husband Rocks! *NyQuil*

the Lord is my rock...

a day to praise our God...

My Hubby Rocks... first time i WANTED to kiss him.

ooooooooooh boy...

Motivate Me Monday~ God of this City

My Hubs **ROCKS**

MHR Questionier...

MY HUBBY ROCKS!

my little experiment...

baby steps...

bad dreams...

In the Face of a Stranger...

let the rush begin!

3 days and counting!

MY HUSBAND ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

might start a little something new...

The Thing About Marriage...

i am sooooooooooooo bored...

MY HUBBY ROCKS... a day late.

My mom's not calling me back fast enough!

TV night...

my husband ROCKS!

uneventful weekend...

i've been TAGGED!?!?!!? ;)

Kreative Blogger Award! :)

My Husband ROCKS!

7 Random Things About MWA!

MY HUBBY ROCKS!

SLeeP DePriVaTion...

*Award Acceptance*

big girl, grown up decision...

6 months!

personal update just a little bit busy!

Wordle

22 days

My husband Rocks

My Husband ROCKS!

My Husband Rocks

My Husband Rocks! NyQuil

My Hubs ROCKS

Award Acceptance

LALALALALALALAAAAA