2 days & a "wake up"...

i can barely believe that we're actually this close! i've been on edge for the past week... just a ball of anxiousness and excitement and nerves! I've finished the man cave, finished the bed room make over, moved justin's old car into our own garage, hung curtains all through the house, brought in a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture from family... and in these last few days, am cleaning from top to bottom! I'm really excited to finally be able to show him our home! and just really talk with him!

i know that through this deployment, the dynamics of our marriage will have changed. I'm nervous about discovering these changes. I feel sure that we'll make it through this transition, but i'm fearful of what exactly will have changed. I don't think Justin is nervous at all though... lol He's just excited! i'm glad that he's so excited... it's refreshing after his emotional silence... during some of the harder months, he seemed to shut down... it's like, if he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. It was a mixture for me... like, sometimes it helped to think about him as much as i could. but then other times, it was like torture.

but now i don't have to worry about it... only a couple more days until i am with him again... and even though it'll only be for 11 days, it's better than nothing. I can't wait... and i am so anxious to just be with him again. *sigh* 2 days... and roughly 5 hours. :) I can't wait!!!!!

17 days...

i'm in the most bitter mood EVER. Woke up to a text from Justin letting me know that he won't be able to stay long enough to be home from Easter. I'm very disappointed... Easter is a huge Holiday for my family, and i'm just sick and tired of going to special family gatherings alone, and of justin missing out on such precious moments in nathaniel's life. This will be his 2nd Easter away from us... also the 2nd Mother's Day. Then, as i laid in bed fuming about the fact he won't even be home a full 2 weeks (only 11 days) i realized that in June, we'll have only been together 11 days out of that last year. and only 21 days out of that last 15 months. it's not ok... he's missed EVERY SINGLE holiday and special day... and like i said, some holidays twice. it's NOT ok that he's missed Nathaniel hunting for Easter eggs two years in a row, that he's missed Christmas, and our Ann. it's NOT OK.

and then... it happened. It always happens. and i think it happens to every military family. The inevitable future goodbye's haunting.

Justin's not even home, and i'm already thinking of the next time we'll have to say goodbye. The next "last night" together. The next time i have to drive him to the airport. The next time i'll have to watch him walk away from me. I hate that... but i can't help it. It's inevitable. It's that thought thats in the back of your head his entire time home saying... "You only have 11 days with him...", "You only have another week with him...", "You only have 3 more days with him...", "You have to say goodbye again tomorrow...". I mean, you BARELY get used to being with them again, sharing responsibilities, and having them there to talk to... and you're turning around to say goodbye again! what must it do to Nathaniel's little heart and mind? i mean, it TEARS ME UP... but at least i understand why... poor nathaniel doesn't understand at all. The only comfort i can take in this goodbye is that it is the last... no more on the horizon, at least for now. Also, we'll be able to talk on the phone just about any time we want... for however long we want... about anything we want...

it's comforting... but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow those numbers... 11 days in a year...

11 days is just not enough...