Memorial Day...

Memorial Day is kind of a big deal to me... and i'm sure you can guess why. no, it's not because it's a day off, or the grills, or swimming... it's far more personal. It's a day this country actually recognizes it's military members... past and present. it's important to me that this takes place... because when i was living out in VA, even though people were far different than the simple, humble, and caring people of Iowa, the entire community had a deep respect and appreciation for it's military. and yes, the community was made up largely BY military members... but i don't think thats why the recognition was so apparent... i really do think that the people who lived there appreciated those military members and their families... they saw up close and personal how much work and dedication it takes by the military family to keep this country moving forward. But out here... yes, we are patriotic, and some families are touched deeply by the sacrifice (like mine... who have had now 4 members serve in only the last 3 generations -my gpa, 2 uncles, and my hubby)... but many times, the military member is not included in the entire feeling of patriotism. They don't seem to GET how hard it is, what it means to spend MONTHS, if not YEARS away from your loved one, and all for this country... to keep it safe, to keep it's structure sound, so keep it growing... but yet the deep honor and pride that seems to chain us and addict us to this lifestyle... though the hardest period of my life has been made up by this past year away from my husband, i have an intimate relationship with patriotism... not only has my husband served our country... but i have sacrificed as well. so the entire concept of the "sacrifice" you hear of when refering to Memorial Day is MY sacrifice... it's personal. it's both made me proud, and resentful in the same...

i'm struggling to tap into that severe pride today... Justin and i sat down last night via Skype and looked over our budget, adding everything up. not fun for anyone, but for us... painful as we came to the conclusion that we really might not make it outside the military, while both trying to be full time students. The uncertainty of jobs, along with the fact that in order to keep our heads JUST above water, we'd have to both work 30hours a week, WHILE going to school full-time, and trying to be parents... and our budget didn't include the required childcare expenses to work those 30+ hours, and the payments for a big hospital bill we just got for Nathaniel's CT Scan we did earlier this year when he fell... so as it stands now, justin and i might very well be forced to stay in the military... and be living apart for at least another year... or two... a VERY hard reality for me to accept. i just had a great feeling about getting out, being together, going to school together, being in the reserves, getting back in after school... i was comfortable with that... excited about everything... but now, all i can think about is the idea that i'll be sleeping alone for another year or two... and will continue being single parent for another year or two... and how fair is that to Nathaniel?????? it's not. And it's not like we're in debt up to our ears... it's just the fact that we can't both work full time AND go to school full time AND spend enough time with our son......... and baby #2 is out of the question unless justin is gone for the pregnancy, and only with us for about a week or two after baby is born... *sigh*

Give me greatness of heart to see,
the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding so that I may know,
when duty calls him, he must go.

Give me a task to do each day,
to fill the time when he’s away.

When he’s in a foreign land,
keep him safe in your loving hand.

And when duty is in the field,
please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when his deployment seems so long,
please stay with me and keep me strong.

-The Military Wife's Prayer

i really need to blog more...

oh my! SO MUCH to write about!

* we are getting out of the military... kinda. :)
Justin will no longer be active duty Navy after July 18th, 2010 and will go directly into the Navy Reserve. He gets paid little, but enough to cover the reserve's family health-care. (which means we can have another baby!!! :D ) He plans to attend college in the fall, either at Indian Hills for Digital Forensics, or Central College for Physics. YIKES! He's such a smarty pants. ;) Once he has his degree (or, if financially we need to, after i have my degree) we tentatively plan to have justin go through a program offered by the reserves that will take him back into the Active Navy as a career recruiter! PERFECT!!!! limited cruises, and more options as far as duty stations! He would spend the rest of his military career as a recruiter, which is more of a 9 to 5 type of job. Home almost every night, and the possibility of being stationed somewhere OTHER than the coast! AMAZING!!!! But the next 4 years or so could get interesting... financially. But i have peace that God will lead and provide.

Justin and i on the ship May 1st, 2010


* I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE YEAR!!!! WOOT! Done with all the Gen. Eds. and moving on to Central College next fall! I can't wait!!!! i'm also excited for SUMMER... just spending time with my son, going swimming, and reading, and grilling out and JUSTIN COMING HOME IN JULY! YAY!

*i am looking for another part-time job... "good luck!", yeah i know. :S but the place i'm working now is just not working out real well. I plan to stay there and continue working Fridays, but i need something PART TIME, like go in at 2pm and close, or go in at 8am and am off by 2pm or 4pm. With no spouse to back me up, and with a family that has just about killed themselves through the school year helping me... i need something with shorter days than 8am to 8pm. ridiculous. Plus, they seem to try their best to make me feel guilty about taking time off. ok... i've requested 4 DAYS OFF IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS. and all those days were to be with my husband either right after he came home from a 9 month deployment, or to go out and go on his ship's Family Day Cruise. I've missed family things. I HAVE left work only, but ONLY when i'm told i can. I've not gone in on scheduled days, but only after getting a call from my boss telling me not to because of the small amount of appointments. :S and then she's griping. i don't like it... and it's not working out. They all (my boss and the other photographers) have husbands there every day or the money for childcare, OR no kids at all. So i don't know. :S

* Nathaniel is TWO YEARS OLD!? when did that happen??? I'm the mom of a 2 year old??? ugh... i feel old. ;) looking forward to giving him a baby brother or baby sister though. We'll seeeeeeee... :) Won't really start trying til August or September because we're trying to kinda schedule it around school... but we're excited.

Nate and Daddy going down the slide at the park while justin was home on leave...


SO theres all our news...

Never gets easier...

Justin's visit has come and gone... i didn't upload pictures, reply to emails, or even take time to blog while he was here... he actually stayed an extra 18 days than what i thought... talk about a surprise! it was AMAZING! we made many great memories! priceless time as a family and together... memories i'll share in the coming days.

but today we had to say goodbye again. i don't know why, but it was even harder than last time. maybe because it just felt like the time together just hadn't quite balanced out with the time apart this past year.

friday was horrible... my last full day with him, i had to work a full day. We'd planned on having a grill out with his family at our house and then putting up a swing set for nathaniel that i would pick up after work, thinking i'd be off plenty before 7pm. Well, i wasn't, and in my opinion, i very well could have been. My coworker made me stay all through our last session (which was at 6pm and only a 2 week old, so could have been handled alone with the 2 parents and her- all i did was fluff the blankets), and then made me sell the session... meaning i sat with the parents while they looked at all the pictures, debated, asked questions, and figured out what they wanted to order. I told justin to go ahead and eat by 7pm. Well, this session took longer than it should have anyways, because the baby was cranky. VERY cranky... so we sat and waited through 2 feedings, and a diaper change. So it was after 8pm before i left the studio. I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up the swing set, only to walk out empty-handed and teary-eyed. The swing set was WAY too big to fit in my car. So i called my mom, bawling... venting about my work, and whining about the swing set. She and my grandpa agreed to go pick up the swing set and bring it over so justin and i could still put it up. I hurried home, crying, angry beyond words. I got home to a FILTHY kitchen, cold food, and people getting ready to leave... i missed the whole thing. so around 9pm, when i was sitting down to eat, everyone was leaving. My mom and grandpa brought over the swing set, and justin and i were out putting that up until 12midnight, easily. Not the night we'd hoped for.

Saturday was a rush of laundry and packing. it sucked. packing up his sea bag, emptying the house of his things... it's like slowly tearing a huge bandage off... starting slowly. idk... it hurts. We were running late (whats new?) so it was all a rushed goodbye. we got a few pictures, a couple very quick kisses, lots of choked-back tears... and a final wave... and he was gone. Nathaniel and i were able to go all the way to the gate with a special pass for military family members, so we stood in the terminal and watched his plane taxi, and take off... i could see justin in his seat, with his hand pressed to the window... mirroring mine. Nathaniel and i watched him until we couldn't see him anymore... nathaniel saying over and over "Where'd daddy go?" and "Bye, daddy!", and blowing kisses... how it breaks my heart.

we must be sick to choose this... sick and addicted to pain or something. because it never gets easy... sometimes i think it just gets harder. We still don't know if we're staying in or getting out... it all depends on if theres a chance he'll get a recruiting position. we just don't know. the reason i know i'm sick in the head is because i HOPE he gets a recruiting position and we can stay in! it would just be nice to have a little more time with this secure job while i finish school... and we save a bit more money.

i miss him though... our bed feels so big without him to share it with him... i just ache to have him here.

2 days & a "wake up"...

i can barely believe that we're actually this close! i've been on edge for the past week... just a ball of anxiousness and excitement and nerves! I've finished the man cave, finished the bed room make over, moved justin's old car into our own garage, hung curtains all through the house, brought in a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture from family... and in these last few days, am cleaning from top to bottom! I'm really excited to finally be able to show him our home! and just really talk with him!

i know that through this deployment, the dynamics of our marriage will have changed. I'm nervous about discovering these changes. I feel sure that we'll make it through this transition, but i'm fearful of what exactly will have changed. I don't think Justin is nervous at all though... lol He's just excited! i'm glad that he's so excited... it's refreshing after his emotional silence... during some of the harder months, he seemed to shut down... it's like, if he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. It was a mixture for me... like, sometimes it helped to think about him as much as i could. but then other times, it was like torture.

but now i don't have to worry about it... only a couple more days until i am with him again... and even though it'll only be for 11 days, it's better than nothing. I can't wait... and i am so anxious to just be with him again. *sigh* 2 days... and roughly 5 hours. :) I can't wait!!!!!

17 days...

i'm in the most bitter mood EVER. Woke up to a text from Justin letting me know that he won't be able to stay long enough to be home from Easter. I'm very disappointed... Easter is a huge Holiday for my family, and i'm just sick and tired of going to special family gatherings alone, and of justin missing out on such precious moments in nathaniel's life. This will be his 2nd Easter away from us... also the 2nd Mother's Day. Then, as i laid in bed fuming about the fact he won't even be home a full 2 weeks (only 11 days) i realized that in June, we'll have only been together 11 days out of that last year. and only 21 days out of that last 15 months. it's not ok... he's missed EVERY SINGLE holiday and special day... and like i said, some holidays twice. it's NOT ok that he's missed Nathaniel hunting for Easter eggs two years in a row, that he's missed Christmas, and our Ann. it's NOT OK.

and then... it happened. It always happens. and i think it happens to every military family. The inevitable future goodbye's haunting.

Justin's not even home, and i'm already thinking of the next time we'll have to say goodbye. The next "last night" together. The next time i have to drive him to the airport. The next time i'll have to watch him walk away from me. I hate that... but i can't help it. It's inevitable. It's that thought thats in the back of your head his entire time home saying... "You only have 11 days with him...", "You only have another week with him...", "You only have 3 more days with him...", "You have to say goodbye again tomorrow...". I mean, you BARELY get used to being with them again, sharing responsibilities, and having them there to talk to... and you're turning around to say goodbye again! what must it do to Nathaniel's little heart and mind? i mean, it TEARS ME UP... but at least i understand why... poor nathaniel doesn't understand at all. The only comfort i can take in this goodbye is that it is the last... no more on the horizon, at least for now. Also, we'll be able to talk on the phone just about any time we want... for however long we want... about anything we want...

it's comforting... but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow those numbers... 11 days in a year...

11 days is just not enough...

*22 days*

sigh... i LOVE how small that number is! especially after a night like last night... was up SICK as all get out. It started when i was over at my grandma and grandpa's house, i felt my stomach a'churning. :S i was walking nathaniel to the car across the street when it really hit... ugh. scared poor nathaniel to death! i was able to pull myself together to drive us home, but soon felt my stomach gurgling again, so called my mom and asked her to come get nathaniel. I don't know what i'd do without her... she's really been there to help me through this time while justin's been gone. but she took him home with her so i was able to battle this bug... ugh. it sucked. i HATED being alone... you see, when i'm sick, i want to be babied. lol nathaniel has even learned this... he'll get extra cuddly when i'm in a certain mood, or sick. But i knew it was best that he not be around. but trust me... i sent plenty of whiny emails to justin. Anyways... this morning i am feeling much better. i'm munching on dry cereal, and looking forward to a pretty good day.

Meeting with some friends from out of town for lunch, then going with my husband's best friend and his girlfriend to DesMoines for a little shopping and a trip to Chucky Cheese. Nathaniel's first! :) I think he'll like it. :)

anyways... i'm gonna try to get up and around and get some things done... maybe the house picked up a bit, and a load of laundry done. might as well while i'm feeling decent and nathaniel isn't here to drag it all out right away. ;)

41 days...

so i recently read a book called "Standing By", it was written by a Navy Pilot's wife while her husband was on an IA (Individual Assignment) and away from home for about 6 months. I felt like i was reading MY story in a lot of ways, not EVERY way, but in a lot of ways. The mix of pride and unbearable loneliness, the adoration and the rage felt all in the same breath for the military, and the complete fear yet anxiousness that rises in the pit of our stomachs as the homecoming nears.

today... it's more the loneliness, rage, and anxiousness.

Justin is in port in Malaysia right now... and we were able to chat and webcam this morning.

1.) MY computer won't read anything that i try to plug into the USB port... meaning a webcam. SO i had to download skype and install my webcam's hardware unto my sister's computer, and get it connected to our internet (which wasn't easy because we have a security-ensured connection) to get it all working. so that took a good hour.

2.) i looked less than glamorous because i woke up and jumped right onto the computer! my whole extra 20lbs was showing, plus no makeup... awesome.

3.) and then when i FINALLY got to see and talk to my husband.... we had NOTHING to talk about except our son. and i'm sorry, but thats not enough for me. i LOVE my son... adore him! but right now, i am in desperate need of some serious connection with my husband... some serious communication. But justin isn't the best at expressing himself through words. Never has been. But when we're face to face, it works out ok... he SHOWS me love in many ways, he doesn't have to use words. But when we've got 1000's of miles between us, words are all we've got. So... this morning... we basically just sat and looked at each other and said the same things over and over again... "I love you.", "I miss you.", "I can't wait to be home.", "This is so hard without you here." or watched nathaniel play, or point to his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth while saying their names. It was great family time... AMAZING family time, really. But... gosh i need some husband and wife time. and i'm not just talking about sex... i just need my partner, i need my other half, i need to sit and watch a movie with him, i need to hold his hand, i need to make dinner with him, i need to give him a kiss, and i need a hug from HIM! ugh.

and i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of having a pout-fest. ugh! can this PLEASE JUST BE OVER!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

ok, getting off my blog and gonna drown my sorrows in Mountain Dew and Oreo Balls. then i'll go to the gym and work them off after class. yep. sounds like a plan.