planning...

One of the main reasons that Justin attempted to avoid deployment was because he started school this  fall.  This was a huge thing for Justin since he's not a biggest fan of school, and has always kinda put it off. But he finally started attending classes at William Penn University, claiming a Computer Science major. Turns out he actually likes his classes and especially the challenge. He had planned to go year round, in hopes of graduating in only 3 years.  I'm so proud of him for going to school! I feel that education is SO important. 

But today he is meeting with his school adviser to tell them 

that he will have to quit school after this semester. 

One a "good" note, this news has encouraged us to not waste time and i can see how Justin is cherishing time with the boys.  There have been more moments of spontaneous giggles, more tickling, more sweet moments and more hugs. I could look at it as it's sad that it took this to bring that out... OR i could just be thankful. and soak it up. and i think that's what i'm going to do. 

processing...

A few months ago we heard the rumors that a deployment was possible... 

likely... 

then for sure. 

No idea when...

by the end of the year...

then spring...

then...

No idea to where... 

then we heard Baghdad... 

then Dubai... 

then... 

We had an out. 

Justin's re-enlistment was up before the estimated deployment date. 

...However...

my Justin, always the sailor, undeniably felt the pull.  

Where they send him, he will go.

A mentality which i admire in him very much. 

Except when they send him far away, 

into a more dangerous place than we've ever thought he would go.  

He signed his "Intent to Re-enlist", because of the feel of duty, as well the monetary benefits that were just as undeniable with my students loans coming due next year.  We told his mom and sister, and they weren't thrilled either, talking him through some thoughts he maybe hadn't thought of previously.  He then tried to backtrack... talking to his Senior Chief and pushing paper to recant his intent.  His Sr. Chief seemed optimistic and said with all his reasons (school, sister's wedding, wife's college graduation) that he stood a good shot of being able to recant his intent and not go on deployment.  

But we got the call yesterday that his orders were too far along in the process to be cancelled. The news shook us, as we'd been living with the understanding that he would be here for some MAJOR family events (graduations, weddings, trips, birthdays)... but then suddenly, he was missing from all the expected memories i'd had playing in my head. 

selfishly, my graduation being the big one. 

irrational thoughts starting pouring in... maybe he WANTED to go, maybe he had told his Sr. Chief to not try too hard, maybe he wanted to get away from daily life here, maybe he wanted to be on his own, away from the responsibility of husbandhood and fatherhood.  

But i realize that that is Satan using my insecurities and fear of abandonment to shake my trust in my dear husband... who was sitting right next to me, most likely feeling the same dread and fear i was. 

this all happened within a few moments inside my consciousness. 

Then, as i laid in bed last night, a new fear i haven't really faced before started to creep over me. 

What if he didn't come home.

See, his last deployment, he was tucked away safe and sound in the belly of a Naval Aircraft Carrier. A massive, floating stronghold.  A tool of intimidation.  

I had no fears of him being shot at. blown up. attacked. 

But Afghanistan is different. It's a target with a lot of weaknesses. 

To say the least, i'm having a hard time not allowing these kinds of fears to consume me. I'm trying to be strong. I know Justin has to have had these things cross his mind as well, so i have to be strong. i have to be confident that he'll be perfectly safe... i mean, he is a part of a supply unit after all, not on the front lines. He'll be at an "airport" type base for much of the time... which i'm sure MUST be crawling with security.

Right?

Anyways, i'm hoping to use this blog to chronical my thoughts and feelings through this deployment.  It'll be a place of raw thoughts and emotions... so i'm sorry in advance if it gets  bit "weepy" or "whiney". but i want to talk about the good and bad times. I'm hoping there will be plenty of good times through this seemingly dark time. 

"Fresh-Face" Fast!

So... i've come to the conclusion that i kinda suck at blogging. How long has it been??? wow.

To kick off getting back to blogging, i'm taking the challenge of doing my very first "fast" (though i'm doing a 30 day challenge instead of the full 40)... of makeup. I'm not a HUGE makeup user, by any means.  I use a general, cheapo moisturizer, foundation, concealer, eye-shadow, and mascara, and sometimes when i want to get really fancy... eye-liner. And i don't put a lot of money into it, i go to wal-mart and stick with a general brand.  BUT, i'm not doing this to save money, or take a stand against any certain brand or product... i'm doing this for ME. 

Let me explain.

Along with blogging, i also suck at loving ME. I avoid mirrors, cringe at videos of myself, and would MUCH rather be behind a camera than in front of one- which i think a lot of women feel! I just don't like the way i look.  Not necessarily my face (actually, my face is about the only body part i don't mind), but my self-love is almost non-existent.  So i am taking this challenge to get it through my head that yes, i am WONDERFULLY MADE by the same God that created the stars.  

I've looked at some of those awe-inspiring photos from the Hubble Space Station, and if THOSE don't convince you there's a God, i don't know what will! So why should i not think that the same creator took as much care and love and put it into ME?  He did.  He made me beautiful in every way, and i need to "get" that! 

So, i'm doing THIS in hopes that i will gain an appreciation for my Creator's work.  This site linked explains some of the rules, and hopes.  

NaNoWriMo... am i crazy? yes, yes i am.

with all the mundane writing that i'm required to write for school, there are many times where i feel that i completely lack a creative outlet. One that i truly can throw myself into. if i had the space, maybe scrapbooking. if i had the money, maybe piano lessons. I journal, and i write here every once in awhile... though, nothing really draws me to this blog. :S So when i heard about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), something that ANYONE can participate in... (not just those who get paid to write books, or even those who hope to get published), i was drawn to this idea.

See, back when i was about 14, i became completely obsessed with the "Left Behind: The Kids" book series, and actually started my own version of the same story line. I wrote over 300 pages of fiction... i couldn't actually peruse anything using that material for obvious reasons (SAME exact idea that came for my favorite, already-published, book series), but i would write for hours... my heart would race... and i loved the feeling that i could take my characters any direction i wanted... if i wanted more romance, i could do that. If i wanted there to be a sudden turn of events that made a previously loyal character turn into the nemesis, i could throw that in there. i LOVED it. Since then... since i discovered that i could enjoy WRITING as much as i enjoyed reading, and that i was capable of writing over 300 pages... i've played with idea of writing more. Especially now that i'm an adult. I'm thinking that participating in NaNoWriMo might give me the reason and motivation to write again.

The question then comes up... what about school? what about being a mom? well... if i don't make the 50,000 word goal at the end, no one knows but me... and i'll have gotten a good start on something, maybe... and who says that i have to stop at the end of November?

ok, so then what to write about? things personal to my life... high school heartbreak? a whirlwind romance? the experiences of motherhood? Navy life? Surviving deployment? Growing up in a small town? Obviously these things wouldn't be difficult to write about since i LIVED them... emotions are easy to tap into, and i basically just write memories. But what if i let me imagination go a little? what if i write about a life i WISH i had? Travel, adventure, passionate romance (well... i've got a little of that, i have to admit ;)

i've got tonight and tomorrow to think about it... but because it's not like i have a publisher waiting on a book about a specific topic... maybe i'll free-fall it... just sit down and write... and whatever comes out i'll call my "novel". hm.

this shall be an adventure, i think... at least it's something a bit more productive to do in my free time rather than just watch tv, play on facebook, or zone out on pinterest... right? :)

***If you'd like to check out NaNoWriMo for yourself... click HERE***

Introducing...

Weston Eugene Schaefer

Weston joined us in the world on Friday morning, July 1st (his actual due date!), at 10:52am.
He weighed in at a whopping 10lbs. and was 21" long

He's every picture of perfection, and we all seem to be adjusting to our new little family member fairly well! We did come to realize that Justin's little Accord wouldn't allow room for a car seat, SO we've had to purchase a different vehicle in order to accommodate the growing family. Thankfully, God came through BIG TIME, and basically dropped a great vehicle and deal into our laps!



I hope to be able to sit and type out Weston's birth story using this blog soon!

Many changes look to be coming our way...

Yes... for the 57th time... I AM only carrying ONE CHILD.

OOOOOhhhhhh boy... i am READY to have this baby! well... almost. my HOUSE isn't ready, but my poor feet and hips certainly are! There are honestly fears, however, that i am praying to conquer before coming face to face with my new little man... the biggest being "How in the world am i going to share my time, energy, and love with this new little person that is coming into my life when i am SO in love with Nathaniel?"

Yes, i'm trying to figure out how i could ever love another child the way i love my first son, Nathaniel...


i have to believe that other moms on the verge of becoming a mom of 2 have also had the same thought run through their mind at least once... for a split second... right? I just honestly really wonder if the same amazing, all-consuming, and all-inhabiting love and adoration that i felt the moment i held nathaniel for the first time will wash over be AGAIN for this new little boy God has blessed me with... i can't fathom loving another child the same way! My mom assures me that i will... but different. She has constantly said "I love you and carly the same amount... but in a different way... and thats how it will be with you and nathaniel and this new baby!"... still, it's hard for me to imagine.

None the less, i can't wait to kiss this new baby's sweet cheeks and hold him and he snuggles against me. :) It could easily be any day now, as i'm measuring 40 weeks! I'm anxious to start this new chapter in our family's life... and even more anxious to get my ankles back! ;)

little update... That chance at a recruiting position is once again UNavailable. :S I guess though they are starting to hire recruiters all over the US, they are NOT in DesMoines. *sigh* It is a severe disappointment for Justin, and for me as well to be honest... but i have to trust that God closed that door for a reason... :S This does me though that in Aug. or Sept., Justin will be gone for another 2 weeks at least for more training in NY (not required, but highly encouraged since he's new to his rate -aka job in the military), and then we're facing another deployment in 2012. Even the thought sends a little panic through me as it makes me wonder if i'm going to have to put off school AGAIN. i honestly don't think i'll be able to parent 2 young children on my own, AND go to school full time at Central... The annoying thing is with the military, they can't even give you a clue as to WHEN in 2012 this deployment might take place. If it's early 2012, that would require me to take the 2nd semester of my Junior year off... while if it's late 2012, then it would require me to start my Senior year late... i don't think either one is better than the other... but it would at least be nice to know and kinda be able to discuss with my academic adviser! :S Oh the JOYS of military life... even in the part time military! i thought we were going to escape this kind of uncertainty once we went reserve... HA! Silly me!!!! ;)

I am thoroughly enjoying my summer though... lots of time at the pool, and time simply enjoying my son! :) Though my feet are about 2x the size of what they SHOULD be, which keeps me from those evening walks and long bike rides i would normally be enjoying, i'm waddling around as much as my feet and hips allow, and am making the most of it. :) I simply enjoy being able to PLAY with nathaniel without feeling like i SHOULD be reading or writing a paper! Times like these make me wonder if simply being a full-time momma wouldn't be so terrible... though, unless we got back in the military... it WOULD be terrible for our bank account. :P

Ah, to be a grown up... not NEAR as much fun as i thought it would be... some days anyways. ;)

i'm pregnant... it's 1am... i should be in bed.

i survived! i'm so excited! :) May was a crazy month, starting out with a horrible case of food poisoning (darn you, stupid Panda Garden!)... leading into finals, Women of Faith, a TEST of faith, nerves over test scores and my GPA, and then finally a release of much worry and stress... praise God... truly... that i survived.

Finals went ok... i didn't feel outstanding, but i ended up with a 3.5 GPA, which i am THRILLED with. This last semester was very stressful, as at mid-school year, i was told i would need to seriously consider another career route because my adviser didn't believe i could bring my major's GPA up enough to student teach in another year. I left his office feeling like a failure... weeping to my mom over the phone because i have never seriously considered doing anything BUT teaching... it's just what i know that God created me to do. i was angry at my adviser for not having faith in me, for treating me as a failure already, for not encouraging me- but for simply throwing up his hands and basically telling me i couldn't do it... i was angry at myself mostly though. All i could think were things like

"You should have never believed that you were smart enough to make it at Central College."

"Who are you to think you could really make a difference within the public school system?"

"You're good for nothing but staying home and doing the dishes and laundry... you CAN'T do anything else."

"You messed up... shouldn't have gotten married and had a child if you actually wanted to finish school! You can't be a mom AND a student, Anna..."

"If (so-and-so) and (so-and-so) can do it... why can't you?"

i felt completely defeated. i felt confused. What did God want me to do? i wasn't sure... and am still unsure, as i'm still a long ways away from being certified... but i pulled myself up by my bootstraps, prayed for strength, energy, and help... and about killed myself. but God pushed me through and i made it with great grades... and a GPA that would qualify me to student teach. Now i just have to KEEP it up!

I could tell that Satan was really trying to bring me down though... he was throwing everything at me... food poisoning, but more than that... he attacked my marriage. he attacked it big. and it about had me going over the edge.

there are so many things that could be said about this attack... so many fears exposed... but what good would it do? I must simply go from here... trusting that my God is leading me... and is working in situations that i have to surrender control over... and that He loves me.

I guess the point to this rambling is this... God totally came through for me with my GPA... and He got me through my first year at Central... now, only 2 more years.

But for now... a few things need my attention. I only have 4 more weeks to soak up all the moments i can with my little boy before i have to think about sharing my time with another little one. I'm 36 weeks today. things are almost ready for our new little one's arrival... and i'm excited! :)

The chance for Justin to get a recruiting position has come up once again... and we're going for it. I'm undecided in how i feel about the idea of being active military once again... though the perks are certainly out-weighing the cons right now. As of now, if he were to stay with his Navy Reserve unit... he would be shipping out for a 6-12month deployment in late 2012... which would be smack-dab in the middle of my senior year at Central. Deployment alone brings so many fears and worries for me, as our first deployment was possibly the worst 8 months of my life... add being a mother of 2, being a full-time student in her senior year? Lord, have mercy! BUT... if he were to get this recruiting position... he would not be deployed any time soon. um... YES, PLEASE! Plus, the pay is much better... which we desperately need at the moment. Free healthcare (basically). And Justin would be HAPPY again... because as much as he says he DOESN'T resent me asking him to get out of the military so i could finish my education at Central and have more babies and be close to my family... i know he is unhappy not being a sailor, being stuck in small-town Iowa, in a factory job that has an uncertain direction. *sigh* SO... i am going to follow God's lead... Justin is applying for the job, and we are going to see what God does with that... and THEN i will pray for the attitude and strength needed to live with whatever direction that leads us.

pray for us. :S

Well... thats about it for this long update... sorry. maybe i will try to blog more often, so that my one blog a month isn't so LOOOOOOONG. :S lol