big girl, grown up decision...

well, justin and i are thinking about me moving home. it's a HUGE, scary decision... but we think it may be whats best for our little famiy. for many reason...

1.) save money- we are pretty much broke after bills every 2 weeks, so we haven't been able to save and we can't even think about paying for school! and we're scared of the financial situation we'd be in if we go home after Justin gets out of the Navy with nothing saved. We'd have to live with my family (7 people in my little house... eek!), and we'd BOTH have to find jobs, we'd BOTH have to figure out school, and we'd be rushing to try to find a house to buy or we'd have to move yet again into an apartment. So, if our math is right... if i move home we can save over $50,000 over the 3 year period.

2.) My Education- with nathaniel, it's pretty much impossible for me to go to school with a Music Major. There are just too many things i need to be involved in... choir, band, and private lessons mostly. I can't do those things online! :( To do this, we'd have to put nathaniel in childcare and 1.) we don't have the money and 2.) i don't really like the... attitude? i find in many places here. :S

3.) Foundation- especially with the economy going the way it is, we fill it's important for us to have a strong foundation when we move home... and with no jobs, no schooling, no house, and no savings... it wouldn't be a pretty picture. So if i move home that far ahead of time, it would give me plenty of time to get an established job, finish school (or at least almost finish), and possibly find a house and start getting that process rolling toward buying it... or possibly start building a house!

4.) At home i am free to be involved in things i love, like church things. Being here, i'm not a "Member" of a church because i want to keep my membership at my home church in Iowa, so it makes it's hard to be a part of a church choir, or a praise and worship team, or even work in nursery. But at home, in my home church, i can do whatever i want, and my pastor and others really WANT me!!!! where here, no one knows me or has seen my spiritual walk with Christ... but everyone back home has known me all my life! and with my family right there able and willing to help with nathaniel... while here, i know NO ONE and don't know any contacts to get done what i need to get done... i have to map quest EVERYWHERE... so being at home is just easier for me to get things done. i know that may seem small, but to me... it's important. i feel handicapped... and i hate just sitting at home ALL DAY, EVERY DAY... i get depressed a lot, and i'm always SO emotional, and i depend way too much on poor justin... i've become someone who can't do anything without HIM holding my hand! and i've become very anti-social...

so all-in-all... i just don't like who i am here, and i don't know how to change it. If i was able to go to school, i think it would be a WHOLE LOT BETTER, but it's almost impossible to do. :(

Some people i've talked to at home first questioned justin and i's marriage... WE ARE FINE!!!!! :) i get so frustrated with people assuming the worse. and thats one thing i would HATE about going home... i think that people would assume we were splitting up and talk behind my back... and i don't do well with that. another bad thing about moving home is justin would miss out on things with nathaniel... and possibly baby #2. :( but we think that nathaniel and baby #2 would be way too young to remember daddy not being there... ya know? he'd be home by the time nathaniel is 4... not even that late, but he'd be there for all the Christmas programs, and school concerts, and T-Ball games... so he'd be there in every memory they would have. but we just keep thinking that we may have to sacrifice such things NOW, in order to secure a safe future for our little family LATER. And i believe in our marriage... and i have faith in Justin that he would be faithful... i can't help but be insecure (thanks to ex's!!!! :P ) but he has never given me a reason NOT to trust him. He is just as decided as i am to make this marriage last no matter what may come our way! We love each other to no end... and i know he would be faithful... and i'd be too busy to even THINK about it! haha! :) besides... i love my husband so much... i'd never want to hurt him, and i don't want to lose him.

*sigh* big decision, but i think we've pretty much decided... i'm just waiting for that absolute stamp of approval from God... i feel peace about it, just nervous i think... it's a HUGE step of faith. Any thoughts are appreciated... I just had to kinda get this off my chest tonight... i can't seem to stop praying/thinking about it... and i just keep running in circles in my head about it... nights are the worst... all i can do is lay in bed and pray... which is good, but i ALWAYS second guess my thoughts and feelings... *GRRRRRRRRRR...* I'm just sick of thinking about it and sick of worrying about it... and i'm the kind of person where i want to make a decision, make a plan, put it into action, and stick to it! i wish God would just write what to do on the wall... or send me a quick E-mail. :S

Thanks for listening... i mean, reading. :)