one of those nights...

Nathaniel is sick... runny nose, temp, cough, and fighting sleep. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow... but if nathaniel is still sick like this, i won't be... which i hate, and honestly makes me nervous. He's cuddled up beside me, fiddling with my hair, just starting to snore.

it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...

i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.

at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...

i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.