"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7
"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7
i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.
which way, God?
one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.
way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...
God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!
"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
on the downhill slope...
and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S
Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!
Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.
meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!
i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.
But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!
Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!
Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.
meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!
i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.
But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
are we there yet?
sometimes i feel like i'm in the bottom of this deep, dark hole... and i'm looking up, squinting, and i can only BARELY see the light at the top. Proof theres a way out... but, still a long ways away... and i can't help but think... "I'll never make it..."
i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...
i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...
and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...
i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...
*just needed to vent...
i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...
i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...
and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...
i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...
*just needed to vent...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
UGGGGGGGGGGGG boots... ;)
So, i love these boots... awsome for those cold days in winter... they keep your toes nice a toasty! And im' totally pumped about having the chance to WIN a pair!!! YAY!
all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!
all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
*My husband Rocks*
One thing i value in my husband is his ability to make me really laugh... not that polite, "I can't believe i'm married to this dork." laugh. He makes me laugh with joy... with love... and with appreciation. When we're discussing something, rather passionatly, he can give me a look... or say something that he MEANS as serious... and all my defenses with evaporate, and i laugh... which, for us, leads to real, calm, talking. I love that... i love that we make each other laugh through our trials... and even when he's 1000s of miles away... out in the middle of the ocean... he makes me laugh with a single look...
yep, i'm way in love with this dork. <3
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
POOR ME! :P
Justin made it to the airport and into the air ok today... it was really messy actually, but they made it. First they're plane got delayed, then it got changed to a later flight, then that wasn't good enough, so they changed AIRPORTS!!!!! They finally got into the air at about 12noon i think. They are well on there way to California, where they will be taken to the USS Nimitz and leave on Friday.
I've been kind of a mess all day... i don't want to DO anything... i just want to lay around and miss him and daydream of him and envision our reunion. I already can't wait! i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the things he'll miss... Christmas... our Wedding Ann....without my husband? it's just not right... and no matter what my family does to fill the void... or how many "Girl Nights" i fill my schedule with... it won't fix it... it won't make the ache go away...
unless you're a military spouse... or have spent MONTHS away from your husband... you can't begin to understand what THIS is... i feel like 1/2 my brain is gone, i can't even think straight. Everything is missing SOMETHING... in a room FULL of fun, and loving people i still feel like i am standing alone... looking around for what is missing... but i know what is missing. And nights are just endless... i can't sleep unless i'm EXHAUSTED... and even when i have the whole bed to myself... i fill it with pillows, or bring Nathaniel into my bed just to fill it. I think about him... about being with him... having him curled up beside me... and it feels like the pillows and blankets and baby still can't fill his spot. And i know they really can't... i was just hoping something would.
i promise not to let my blog become a "POOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" blog... but i AM gonna have my days... and nights where i just need to wallow and talk it out. I do journal... so that will help.
But right now... i miss him... and i'm lonely... and it's really not gonna feel any better til he is HOME and we don't have to say goodbye anymore.
no goodbyes... not even any impending goodbyes to worry about... it hardly seems like a reality. Maybe someday... maybe a year... maybe 25 years til that someday arrives... but someday.
I've been kind of a mess all day... i don't want to DO anything... i just want to lay around and miss him and daydream of him and envision our reunion. I already can't wait! i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the things he'll miss... Christmas... our Wedding Ann....without my husband? it's just not right... and no matter what my family does to fill the void... or how many "Girl Nights" i fill my schedule with... it won't fix it... it won't make the ache go away...
unless you're a military spouse... or have spent MONTHS away from your husband... you can't begin to understand what THIS is... i feel like 1/2 my brain is gone, i can't even think straight. Everything is missing SOMETHING... in a room FULL of fun, and loving people i still feel like i am standing alone... looking around for what is missing... but i know what is missing. And nights are just endless... i can't sleep unless i'm EXHAUSTED... and even when i have the whole bed to myself... i fill it with pillows, or bring Nathaniel into my bed just to fill it. I think about him... about being with him... having him curled up beside me... and it feels like the pillows and blankets and baby still can't fill his spot. And i know they really can't... i was just hoping something would.
i promise not to let my blog become a "POOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" blog... but i AM gonna have my days... and nights where i just need to wallow and talk it out. I do journal... so that will help.
But right now... i miss him... and i'm lonely... and it's really not gonna feel any better til he is HOME and we don't have to say goodbye anymore.
no goodbyes... not even any impending goodbyes to worry about... it hardly seems like a reality. Maybe someday... maybe a year... maybe 25 years til that someday arrives... but someday.
Monday, July 27, 2009
dread...
thats what i'm filled with... i am DREADING friday, when Justin is scheduled to pull out of San Diego, CA. He is anxious and excited i think... though he doesn't say so to ME because he knows how sick i am about it... just THINKING about it makes me tear up. I don't want to think about it. 6 months... no phone calls... no web cam... no pictures from him.. not even the option of making a trip out to be with him... and only HOPING for an email daily. He'll miss so much... my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our 3 year Anniversary. And i'll miss HIS birthday... having him here for family events... getting to spoil him rotten for our Ann. *sigh* i hate this...
I can't deny that i'm jealous... all the amazing places he'll go... ugh.
BUT i'm trying to really focus on where I'M going!!!! I'm am WAY excited that i have Central College to look forward to. And justin, after studying up on the details of the GI Bill, plans on also attending Central once he comes home for good. I can just imagine us both graduating from Central College... caps... gowns... celebrations... FINALLY graduating college... a goal i feel like i've been fighting to reach for years already... and really, i still have 4 years ahead of me. But i'm SO excited! and i feel like i have some amazing direction from some people at Central College. :) SO i'm focusing on that.
i just hate going alone... it's gonna be hard... working my way through college, being a mom, making good grades (in hopes of getting more financial help)... BUT, i can do it. :) i have to!
I can't deny that i'm jealous... all the amazing places he'll go... ugh.
BUT i'm trying to really focus on where I'M going!!!! I'm am WAY excited that i have Central College to look forward to. And justin, after studying up on the details of the GI Bill, plans on also attending Central once he comes home for good. I can just imagine us both graduating from Central College... caps... gowns... celebrations... FINALLY graduating college... a goal i feel like i've been fighting to reach for years already... and really, i still have 4 years ahead of me. But i'm SO excited! and i feel like i have some amazing direction from some people at Central College. :) SO i'm focusing on that.
i just hate going alone... it's gonna be hard... working my way through college, being a mom, making good grades (in hopes of getting more financial help)... BUT, i can do it. :) i have to!
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