bittersweet... story of my life.

well, i got my way... he's coming home. i'm excited beyond words to have him with us again... to go to bed and wake up next to him, cooking dinner together, going to church together, going out with friends as a couple, having him at my side at family events, movie nights, time together... i can't wait.

Justin is happy... but scared almost to the point that it's ruining it. I am choosing every moment to have faith that Justin will find a job... and that somehow we'll get everything covered financially. But i'm relying on my 15 year old faith to do that... justin is a YOUNG Christian... only about 4 years, and not practicing the past 1.5 years really. So justin is scared out of his mind. i hate that, and it's almost pushed me to give in and just let him stay in... but i want my husband back, and Nathaniel needs his daddy back. i do believe that this separation has changed Justin and i's relationship... and in some ways, damaged it. i hate that with all my heart... but i DO believe that Justin and i will work things out. We're both too stubborn to really give in... both VERY against divorce, aside from severe cases, and honestly still very much in love at the core of everything...

even though we've been fighting more than we ever really have in the past month (i blame our fear of getting out... something we'll conquer once he's here and we're together)... we've also had some very sweet conversations via text/email. Remember those cheesy things your hunny said when first trying to win you over... yeah, i got a few... and they worked like a charm. made me giggle like a silly school girl. Like when discussing sleeping arrangements when i fly out to drive with him home (i figured he'd go back to the ship, while i slept on the floor at a friend's house) and he said "I'd sleep better on concrete with you, than alone in a bed.". now come on!!!!!! thats pretty sweet. :) lol

So on Wed., June 30th... i'll be flying out to VA... landing at 12:30am, to be with my Sailor... to close this chapter of our lives TOGETHER. this was important to us to do this together... to leap into the unknown head-first holding hands. He can't legally leave until 12:01am on sat. so i'll be hanging out there for a day or two... but it'll be full of him working, and me spending some time with friends... saying goodbye for now. But then, we'll head home and be home by the 4th of July with our family. How appropriate, huh?

i really don't feel that this is the end of our time with the military... we love it, very very much. but right now... we need to focus on mending our family after this period of separation... i want to get my degree, we want to have another baby, we need to nurse our marriage's wounds, Justin needs to get back on track spiritually, and Nathaniel needs to get to know his daddy again. We need to be a family again before we are ready to live as a military family again. And later, when we try to get back in... if we do or don't... we know that at that point, it will be by GOD'S hand alone... we'll have no part in it. which makes me a lot more comfortable anyways. :)

anyways... 16 days and we'll be together again... no more waking up alone, no more communication restricted by time zones, internet speed, and phone availability... we'll be face to face again. I can't wait...

i'm starting to get a little dizzy...

all this dang back and forth... have we really been living in this limbo for a year now? you'd think we'd have made a dicision by now! HA! i have a bit more dutch in me than i thought... Justin too apparently. :S

we are still undecided, it feels like... though justin is moving toward getting OUT and going into the Reserves and keeps trying to convince me that he is ok with this... but i'm not happy with him just being "ok". dang it, i want him EXSTATIC that he is finally coming HOME... wouldn't you think that would be the natural repsonce? not so for this man...

ugh... men.

so dang complicated.

I know that it is VERY hard to walk away from this career... and trust me, it's laying on a fresh layer of guilt now that he's made 2nd Class Petty Officer... "half-way to the top!" as justin put it... but dang, i married Justin to SHARE a life with him... not live two seperate ones. and i KNOW it's had an effect on our marriage... when we're together, we're great, SO in love!... but right now, 1000's of miles apart... we don't talk, we don't flirt, we don't tease, and those nice, comfortable silences we used to cuddle during just aren't the same over the phone.

i am trying my hardest to be a good wife... patient, selfless, respectful, submissive, and yet be his PARTNER and let him know what i want... and am constantly trying to remind myself... "Is it REALLY all about what YOU want?", but then i can't help but think... "But how can it be God's will for our family to be split up for another 2 YEARS!?"...

this is rough terrain, ladies and gents... and i just want to move on... i want to know whats ahead...

*giggle*

and i know God just laughed out loud at that last statement... since when has that been part of the deal? I know that whatever path Justin chooses, God will give me the grace to accept and survive through...

BUT I REALLY WANT HIM HOME!

:P