Tuesday, March 31, 2009

in this together...

well, the move has happened... and justin is back in Virginia... i'm looking for a job... still unpacking... looking for a house... looking forward to august.

For now i am doing ok... the weekend has been busy, so i haven't really had time to sit and THINK about the fact that justin is over 1000 miles away now. and i think thats good for now... because i think if i dwell on it, i'll get depressed. so i want to hurry and get busy with a job and church before the rush and "newness" of Nathaniel and i being home dies down. I went back to my old job today, where i assumed and was assured by family, and other employees at the workplace that i would surely be re-hired because of the fondness i left behind, and since i'd been trained to work in the office rather than just on the floor... but was told that they weren't handing out applications right now, and were expecting college students back for the summer... i was VERY disappointed and slightly shocked. BUT i'm trusting that God has something better for me right now... so i am now applying for other jobs. all i need is part time... so i'm not TOO worried.

also looking for a house... which is proving to be much more frustrating to do by myself than i thought. there are so many things to think of... sq. footage? roof age? siding age? basement? is there leakage? garage? how big? appliances included? neighborhood? eek, SMALL bedroom... DOUBLE eek, a jail-sell style bathroom???? furnace age? central air? why is this ceiling SO low??? whats with the Star Trek decor??? Love the built-ins!!!! fireplace? does is work?? could that wall be knocked out? price???????? annual taxes?????? updates needed? wait... offer... no, wait. :S SO MUCH. and with my dad commenting on EVERYTHING... it's crazy.

the health-care transfer is confusing too... even more frustrating when nathaniel is sick, and i want to take him in, but don't know if i should. Dental is even more unknown... but we got it figured out and i have an appointment next week to hopefully take care of my wisdom teeth. ugh... so hopefully by this time next month, i will be a few teeth less. i don't think i've ever been EXCITED for a dentist appointment... but my stupid teeth have kept me up nights... so i want them OUT.

but things are going ok... this is a new journey... and i think it's gonna be a hard one... more emotionally, than physically... but hard none-the-less. But i'm just praying that the next couple years go fast.

I just really miss justin... things are hard. We don't really talk much... cuz when he' on the ship, he can't get a signal on his cell phone. So that takes about 75% of the day. Then the other 25% of the day i'm usually busy... out somewhere... with other people... just not really able to sit and TALK. So we've set up a phone date on saturday. I'm locking myself in my apartment, ignoring ALL other calls, or texts... and justin and i are gonna talk. :) i might even ditch nathaniel at my mom's. lol But this is what we're gonna have to do for now... til aug, hopefully. :)


anyways... thats the update. I'm now gonna go cuddle up in bed, turn on some TLC (for noise, mostly), and am gonna read my Nora Roberts book.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

blog give-away!!!

SO my beautiful, Ashley, has a beautiful talent! God has blessed her with the gift of craftiness! ;) She makes these adorable cards... WELL, lucky for you and i, she has started having Give Aways for them!!!! She's made it possible to add your name 3 TIMES!!!! You can find the info and enter at her blog, Jaded Mission

Enjoy!!!! :D

Monday, March 2, 2009

one week til the end of life as we know it...

*deep sigh* Only one week til i make the big move home... away from my home of 2 years, away from a church i've fallen in love with, away from the military conveniences and away from my husband... we will embark on a brand new adventure... living apart from each other, being faithful through loneliness, loving from a distance, looking ahead to a future together while a 1000 miles apart... and counting on that other person to be doing the same thing, even when you can't lay next to them at the end of the day and see it in their eyes.

i have mixed emotions... i'm scared, nervous, excited... i'm looking forward to going back to school, i'm looking forward to being with family and allowing nathaniel to grow around the small town of Osky... go to the pool, tuli time, the county fair, church stuff...

but it all just seems 1/2 as much fun... because i know that justin won't be there. and i have to wonder if the sensible benefits... finishing school, maybe buying a house, saving money... will be worth it in the long run. But am i just scared? i have a tendancy to get freaked out about big things, and backtrack, waving my hands, saying "no no no no no.... wait a sec... this is too big... too over my head... this is too big for me!" but is it really all about being SMART... maybe we should just be dumb and in love... maybe i should just drop school and stay here and just be with justin... who cares about saving money???? we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE... right?

but then again i'm thinking maybe more than the sensible things will come of it... maybe i'll gain some independence... gain some self-esteem once i do things on my own... school, work, bills and such. Maybe justin will gain some appreciation... (not that he's horrible, but he is a man) and maybe he'll just get that need for independence out of his system. He will be gone a lot...

i can't sit here and say i'm 100% sure of us... i'm scared that we'll change beyond recognition... that he'll become this whole other person out there on his ship... with his buddies... with other girls. And maybe i'll become super independent... i'll gain my own worth, my own agenda, my own life... and once he and i come together again... will it work? we'll have to make it work. Will it be hard? will one of us fight it? will he be content living in small town iowa after he's been all over the world? but really... what would it change if i were to stay here? the only thing that would change is that i'll have been along for the ride... going with the flow...

i am so in love with him... and i can feel myself clutching to him, afriad to let go and trust... i've never been good with trust... how can i be sure he'll really come home? and i just keep thinking that if i hold on a little tighter, maybe finally i'll feel secure... i've never been good at letting go.

so pray for us... pray for me... pray that i can let go, and let God...

7 days and counting...