Monday, March 2, 2009

one week til the end of life as we know it...

*deep sigh* Only one week til i make the big move home... away from my home of 2 years, away from a church i've fallen in love with, away from the military conveniences and away from my husband... we will embark on a brand new adventure... living apart from each other, being faithful through loneliness, loving from a distance, looking ahead to a future together while a 1000 miles apart... and counting on that other person to be doing the same thing, even when you can't lay next to them at the end of the day and see it in their eyes.

i have mixed emotions... i'm scared, nervous, excited... i'm looking forward to going back to school, i'm looking forward to being with family and allowing nathaniel to grow around the small town of Osky... go to the pool, tuli time, the county fair, church stuff...

but it all just seems 1/2 as much fun... because i know that justin won't be there. and i have to wonder if the sensible benefits... finishing school, maybe buying a house, saving money... will be worth it in the long run. But am i just scared? i have a tendancy to get freaked out about big things, and backtrack, waving my hands, saying "no no no no no.... wait a sec... this is too big... too over my head... this is too big for me!" but is it really all about being SMART... maybe we should just be dumb and in love... maybe i should just drop school and stay here and just be with justin... who cares about saving money???? we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE... right?

but then again i'm thinking maybe more than the sensible things will come of it... maybe i'll gain some independence... gain some self-esteem once i do things on my own... school, work, bills and such. Maybe justin will gain some appreciation... (not that he's horrible, but he is a man) and maybe he'll just get that need for independence out of his system. He will be gone a lot...

i can't sit here and say i'm 100% sure of us... i'm scared that we'll change beyond recognition... that he'll become this whole other person out there on his ship... with his buddies... with other girls. And maybe i'll become super independent... i'll gain my own worth, my own agenda, my own life... and once he and i come together again... will it work? we'll have to make it work. Will it be hard? will one of us fight it? will he be content living in small town iowa after he's been all over the world? but really... what would it change if i were to stay here? the only thing that would change is that i'll have been along for the ride... going with the flow...

i am so in love with him... and i can feel myself clutching to him, afriad to let go and trust... i've never been good with trust... how can i be sure he'll really come home? and i just keep thinking that if i hold on a little tighter, maybe finally i'll feel secure... i've never been good at letting go.

so pray for us... pray for me... pray that i can let go, and let God...

7 days and counting...

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3 comments:

~hon~ said...

You have my prayers, my dear friend.

It is really difficult to be away from the man you deeply love. I am 8000 miles away from mine. We have to trust GOD above all and everything else will follow.

Don't worry. GOD will guide you both everyday. GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY! P.U.S.H.

breannabrummer said...

praying for you! it will work if you CHOOSE to grow back together and tough it out when you do get to live together again!!! HUGS!

Britt said...

Covering you in prayer, sweetie .. I can't fathom the choices you're having to make right now. Hang in there!

One thing is sure .. the love you both have will keep you fighting. Like I've always told Kelly, I'm too stubborn to let him go =-) And you have your baby boy, reminding you why it's important that you fight through all the tough stuff.

Hugs, honey .. Hugs and prayer =-)