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so i recently read a book called "Standing By", it was written by a Navy Pilot's wife while her husband was on an IA (Individual Assignment) and away from home for about 6 months. I felt like i was reading MY story in a lot of ways, not EVERY way, but in a lot of ways. The mix of pride and unbearable loneliness, the adoration and the rage felt all in the same breath for the military, and the complete fear yet anxiousness that rises in the pit of our stomachs as the homecoming nears.
today... it's more the loneliness, rage, and anxiousness.
Justin is in port in Malaysia right now... and we were able to chat and webcam this morning.
1.) MY computer won't read anything that i try to plug into the USB port... meaning a webcam. SO i had to download skype and install my webcam's hardware unto my sister's computer, and get it connected to our internet (which wasn't easy because we have a security-ensured connection) to get it all working. so that took a good hour.
2.) i looked less than glamorous because i woke up and jumped right onto the computer! my whole extra 20lbs was showing, plus no makeup... awesome.
3.) and then when i FINALLY got to see and talk to my husband.... we had NOTHING to talk about except our son. and i'm sorry, but thats not enough for me. i LOVE my son... adore him! but right now, i am in desperate need of some serious connection with my husband... some serious communication. But justin isn't the best at expressing himself through words. Never has been. But when we're face to face, it works out ok... he SHOWS me love in many ways, he doesn't have to use words. But when we've got 1000's of miles between us, words are all we've got. So... this morning... we basically just sat and looked at each other and said the same things over and over again... "I love you.", "I miss you.", "I can't wait to be home.", "This is so hard without you here." or watched nathaniel play, or point to his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth while saying their names. It was great family time... AMAZING family time, really. But... gosh i need some husband and wife time. and i'm not just talking about sex... i just need my partner, i need my other half, i need to sit and watch a movie with him, i need to hold his hand, i need to make dinner with him, i need to give him a kiss, and i need a hug from HIM! ugh.
and i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of having a pout-fest. ugh! can this PLEASE JUST BE OVER!?!?!??!?!?!?!?
ok, getting off my blog and gonna drown my sorrows in Mountain Dew and Oreo Balls. then i'll go to the gym and work them off after class. yep. sounds like a plan.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
one of those nights...
Nathaniel is sick... runny nose, temp, cough, and fighting sleep. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow... but if nathaniel is still sick like this, i won't be... which i hate, and honestly makes me nervous. He's cuddled up beside me, fiddling with my hair, just starting to snore.
it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...
i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.
at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...
i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.
it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...
i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.
at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...
i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
46 days...
it's a gorgeous day outside... the sun is out. I makes me anxious for spring... for warm, sunny days at the park... and for going barefoot outside.
we have 46 days til justin is home... well, visits. He'll be here for 2 weeks, then will have to go back to Virginia for a few months, until his contract is up. and we've been apart for 220 days. WOW. :S
We're SO CLOSE though... i can feel it! Justin's currently in Thailand, but they'll be leaving there, and pulling into Malaysia soon. I'm excited for Malaysia mainly because all the guys get their one and only overnight liberty, and justin and a couple other guys have planned on renting a hotel room together to use the high speed internet! HAHAHA! The high speed internet on base is just about worthless, and they have VERY limited access on the ship... so all these married guys have decided to do this so that they can all chat and skype with their wives/kids back home without it disconnecting them or having a time limit. AWESOME! justin and i haven't seen each other for MONTHS. I can't wait for justin to see Nathaniel. I am just praying the internet is GOOD, and it won't be kicking justin off every 2 minutes. :P After Malaysia i think they have one other port, then HOME! March 21st they'll be docking in Washington, and he'll be on a plane that night, flying all night, and landing in DesMoines, IA at 7:30am on March 22nd... the day after Nathaniel's birthday. *sigh* The only bad thing is that i'll still have to go to school while justin is here... i'll most likely skip the first week, maybe... but i don't want to fall behind, so we'll have to see. :S
Once he goes back to VA, it's all down hill from there... he'll be able to call every day, we'll be in the same general time-zone (only an hours difference), he'll be able to go over to a friend's house and use their high speed any night he wants- so we can web-cam and skype all the time... it'll be so much easier to communicate. and we'll only have about 3 months until he MOVES home!
i still feel like i'm in marathon mode though... toward the end, the pain is burning in my chest, and legs... but i just put my head down and push... one step at a time. i can't afford to stop, or hesitate, or even look around... i just have to push...
after he moves home... it's completely unknown.
we have 46 days til justin is home... well, visits. He'll be here for 2 weeks, then will have to go back to Virginia for a few months, until his contract is up. and we've been apart for 220 days. WOW. :S
We're SO CLOSE though... i can feel it! Justin's currently in Thailand, but they'll be leaving there, and pulling into Malaysia soon. I'm excited for Malaysia mainly because all the guys get their one and only overnight liberty, and justin and a couple other guys have planned on renting a hotel room together to use the high speed internet! HAHAHA! The high speed internet on base is just about worthless, and they have VERY limited access on the ship... so all these married guys have decided to do this so that they can all chat and skype with their wives/kids back home without it disconnecting them or having a time limit. AWESOME! justin and i haven't seen each other for MONTHS. I can't wait for justin to see Nathaniel. I am just praying the internet is GOOD, and it won't be kicking justin off every 2 minutes. :P After Malaysia i think they have one other port, then HOME! March 21st they'll be docking in Washington, and he'll be on a plane that night, flying all night, and landing in DesMoines, IA at 7:30am on March 22nd... the day after Nathaniel's birthday. *sigh* The only bad thing is that i'll still have to go to school while justin is here... i'll most likely skip the first week, maybe... but i don't want to fall behind, so we'll have to see. :S
Once he goes back to VA, it's all down hill from there... he'll be able to call every day, we'll be in the same general time-zone (only an hours difference), he'll be able to go over to a friend's house and use their high speed any night he wants- so we can web-cam and skype all the time... it'll be so much easier to communicate. and we'll only have about 3 months until he MOVES home!
i still feel like i'm in marathon mode though... toward the end, the pain is burning in my chest, and legs... but i just put my head down and push... one step at a time. i can't afford to stop, or hesitate, or even look around... i just have to push...
after he moves home... it's completely unknown.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
a prayer...
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7
"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7
i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.
which way, God?
one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.
way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...
God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!
"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."
"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7
i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.
which way, God?
one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.
way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...
God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!
"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."
Monday, January 4, 2010
on the downhill slope...
and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S
Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!
Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.
meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!
i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.
But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!
Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!
Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.
meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!
i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.
But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
are we there yet?
sometimes i feel like i'm in the bottom of this deep, dark hole... and i'm looking up, squinting, and i can only BARELY see the light at the top. Proof theres a way out... but, still a long ways away... and i can't help but think... "I'll never make it..."
i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...
i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...
and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...
i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...
*just needed to vent...
i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...
i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...
and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...
i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...
*just needed to vent...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
UGGGGGGGGGGGG boots... ;)
So, i love these boots... awsome for those cold days in winter... they keep your toes nice a toasty! And im' totally pumped about having the chance to WIN a pair!!! YAY!
all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!
all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!
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