Monday, September 17, 2012

processing...

A few months ago we heard the rumors that a deployment was possible... 
likely... 
then for sure. 

No idea when...
by the end of the year...
then spring...
then...

No idea to where... 
then we heard Baghdad... 
then Dubai... 
then... 

We had an out. 
Justin's re-enlistment was up before the estimated deployment date. 

...However...

my Justin, always the sailor, undeniably felt the pull.  

Where they send him, he will go.



A mentality which i admire in him very much. 
Except when they send him far away, 
into a more dangerous place than we've ever thought he would go.  

He signed his "Intent to Re-enlist", because of the feel of duty, as well the monetary benefits that were just as undeniable with my students loans coming due next year.  We told his mom and sister, and they weren't thrilled either, talking him through some thoughts he maybe hadn't thought of previously.  He then tried to backtrack... talking to his Senior Chief and pushing paper to recant his intent.  His Sr. Chief seemed optimistic and said with all his reasons (school, sister's wedding, wife's college graduation) that he stood a good shot of being able to recant his intent and not go on deployment.  

But we got the call yesterday that his orders were too far along in the process to be cancelled. The news shook us, as we'd been living with the understanding that he would be here for some MAJOR family events (graduations, weddings, trips, birthdays)... but then suddenly, he was missing from all the expected memories i'd had playing in my head. 

selfishly, my graduation being the big one. 

irrational thoughts starting pouring in... maybe he WANTED to go, maybe he had told his Sr. Chief to not try too hard, maybe he wanted to get away from daily life here, maybe he wanted to be on his own, away from the responsibility of husbandhood and fatherhood.  

But i realize that that is Satan using my insecurities and fear of abandonment to shake my trust in my dear husband... who was sitting right next to me, most likely feeling the same dread and fear i was. 


this all happened within a few moments inside my consciousness. 

Then, as i laid in bed last night, a new fear i haven't really faced before started to creep over me. 
What if he didn't come home.

See, his last deployment, he was tucked away safe and sound in the belly of a Naval Aircraft Carrier. A massive, floating stronghold.  A tool of intimidation.  

I had no fears of him being shot at. blown up. attacked. 


But Afghanistan is different. It's a target with a lot of weaknesses. 

To say the least, i'm having a hard time not allowing these kinds of fears to consume me. I'm trying to be strong. I know Justin has to have had these things cross his mind as well, so i have to be strong. i have to be confident that he'll be perfectly safe... i mean, he is a part of a supply unit after all, not on the front lines. He'll be at an "airport" type base for much of the time... which i'm sure MUST be crawling with security.

Right?



Anyways, i'm hoping to use this blog to chronical my thoughts and feelings through this deployment.  It'll be a place of raw thoughts and emotions... so i'm sorry in advance if it gets  bit "weepy" or "whiney". but i want to talk about the good and bad times. I'm hoping there will be plenty of good times through this seemingly dark time. 


3 comments:

Sarah Scripture said...

Are you around other spouses whose husbands are deployed? I've found that support to be really helpful during deployments. There are others going through the same thing. What you said about him wanting to go struck a chord with me because my husband does get a little excited before a deployment. I guess it's a man's sense of adventure that sets in. I have to remind myself, and he reassures me that he does not enjoy being away from his family. He misses us just as much as we miss him. But he looks forward to the new experiences and neat things they get to do every once in a while. I'm sorry that his orders weren't able to be changed. If you ever want to chat, please Facebook me. I know how deployments suck. :). We're in the middle of our third.

Anna Mae said...

unfortunately i won't be anywhere near a base since justin is technically a part of the Reserves, though he'll obviously be deployed alongside an active unit. They encouraged Justin to make sure i attend a deployment family readiness weekend up in Des Moines, and i hope that they are able to connect me with the unit's Ombudsman, but other than that, i'm going to be relying heavily on my family. The one very good thing about the timing is that it'll mostly be over the summer, so i won't be in school and will be able to be at home with the boys. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I can't imagine going through THREE of these things in such a short time. We've been in for about 6 or 7 years, and this is only our second. I guess i should be thankful! Hope things are going ok for you and your little one! <3

Theresa said...

OH Anna! My heart hurts for you! I know the pain of a dad or brother going off to deployment, but not my husband. We will be in constant prayer for you. You know where to find me, so please do not hesitate if you need something, anything. Family readiness is important and please do attend. The more you know now and who to contact if you are unable to contact Justin (for any reason), the better. Justin and your boys will also be on our prayer list.