Monday, September 29, 2008

big girl, grown up decision...

well, justin and i are thinking about me moving home. it's a HUGE, scary decision... but we think it may be whats best for our little famiy. for many reason...

1.) save money- we are pretty much broke after bills every 2 weeks, so we haven't been able to save and we can't even think about paying for school! and we're scared of the financial situation we'd be in if we go home after Justin gets out of the Navy with nothing saved. We'd have to live with my family (7 people in my little house... eek!), and we'd BOTH have to find jobs, we'd BOTH have to figure out school, and we'd be rushing to try to find a house to buy or we'd have to move yet again into an apartment. So, if our math is right... if i move home we can save over $50,000 over the 3 year period.

2.) My Education- with nathaniel, it's pretty much impossible for me to go to school with a Music Major. There are just too many things i need to be involved in... choir, band, and private lessons mostly. I can't do those things online! :( To do this, we'd have to put nathaniel in childcare and 1.) we don't have the money and 2.) i don't really like the... attitude? i find in many places here. :S

3.) Foundation- especially with the economy going the way it is, we fill it's important for us to have a strong foundation when we move home... and with no jobs, no schooling, no house, and no savings... it wouldn't be a pretty picture. So if i move home that far ahead of time, it would give me plenty of time to get an established job, finish school (or at least almost finish), and possibly find a house and start getting that process rolling toward buying it... or possibly start building a house!

4.) At home i am free to be involved in things i love, like church things. Being here, i'm not a "Member" of a church because i want to keep my membership at my home church in Iowa, so it makes it's hard to be a part of a church choir, or a praise and worship team, or even work in nursery. But at home, in my home church, i can do whatever i want, and my pastor and others really WANT me!!!! where here, no one knows me or has seen my spiritual walk with Christ... but everyone back home has known me all my life! and with my family right there able and willing to help with nathaniel... while here, i know NO ONE and don't know any contacts to get done what i need to get done... i have to map quest EVERYWHERE... so being at home is just easier for me to get things done. i know that may seem small, but to me... it's important. i feel handicapped... and i hate just sitting at home ALL DAY, EVERY DAY... i get depressed a lot, and i'm always SO emotional, and i depend way too much on poor justin... i've become someone who can't do anything without HIM holding my hand! and i've become very anti-social...

so all-in-all... i just don't like who i am here, and i don't know how to change it. If i was able to go to school, i think it would be a WHOLE LOT BETTER, but it's almost impossible to do. :(

Some people i've talked to at home first questioned justin and i's marriage... WE ARE FINE!!!!! :) i get so frustrated with people assuming the worse. and thats one thing i would HATE about going home... i think that people would assume we were splitting up and talk behind my back... and i don't do well with that. another bad thing about moving home is justin would miss out on things with nathaniel... and possibly baby #2. :( but we think that nathaniel and baby #2 would be way too young to remember daddy not being there... ya know? he'd be home by the time nathaniel is 4... not even that late, but he'd be there for all the Christmas programs, and school concerts, and T-Ball games... so he'd be there in every memory they would have. but we just keep thinking that we may have to sacrifice such things NOW, in order to secure a safe future for our little family LATER. And i believe in our marriage... and i have faith in Justin that he would be faithful... i can't help but be insecure (thanks to ex's!!!! :P ) but he has never given me a reason NOT to trust him. He is just as decided as i am to make this marriage last no matter what may come our way! We love each other to no end... and i know he would be faithful... and i'd be too busy to even THINK about it! haha! :) besides... i love my husband so much... i'd never want to hurt him, and i don't want to lose him.

*sigh* big decision, but i think we've pretty much decided... i'm just waiting for that absolute stamp of approval from God... i feel peace about it, just nervous i think... it's a HUGE step of faith. Any thoughts are appreciated... I just had to kinda get this off my chest tonight... i can't seem to stop praying/thinking about it... and i just keep running in circles in my head about it... nights are the worst... all i can do is lay in bed and pray... which is good, but i ALWAYS second guess my thoughts and feelings... *GRRRRRRRRRR...* I'm just sick of thinking about it and sick of worrying about it... and i'm the kind of person where i want to make a decision, make a plan, put it into action, and stick to it! i wish God would just write what to do on the wall... or send me a quick E-mail. :S

Thanks for listening... i mean, reading. :)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

6 months!

well, went and got nathaniel's 6 month shots done... i was so proud of my boy!!!!! we didn't squirm, kick, or scream... he whimpered, and cried only when he actually got stuck... but he was so brave and strong! :) he is now peacefully taking a nap in his swing. I'm so proud of him!

Justin is gone and on the ship... he left yesterday morning, and will be back tonight. Then he'll have to leave again this week for another fast cruise. I HATE staying here alone... Just about died last night from a heart attack too!!!! i was laying in bed, reading and had the TV on for noise, when my bedroom door blew open and then slammed shut again with a huge BANG! i had left the sliding glass door open in the living room because the breeze was slightly chilly but made our apartment feel PERFECT! :) didn't help with making me feel any safer, but... i'm working on praying through that fear, so left it open. But oh my gosh! freaked me right out when i saw the door start to open out of the corner of my eye!!!

he'll be gone a lot in the next few months... over 2 weeks anyway. ugh... i'm NOT looking forward to it at all.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

a weekend come and gone...

well we had a BIG weekend for us! :) The pictures went GREAT! :) nathaniel was ADORABLE (as usual) and we got out of there only spending $25! granted, i didn't get near as many pics as i WANTED, but we got what we needed... a few for grandparents, one of nate for us, and one of all three of us for us. :) The pics are actually going to be available to us for the next 6 months online, so when we have enough money we'll go back and buy others and the grandparents can go and buy oodles of them! :) lol i was raelly happy with them though! :)

then today our new church had their annual "LibertyFest", a HUGE church picnic pretty much... but this is a church of between 3000 and 5000 people, so they had like, 12 big inflateable "games" and slides and stuff, classic cars parked to look at, boats from Bass Pro Shop on display, exoctic birds at a booth from a bet store or something for the kids to look at, catered buffet of fried chicken and sides, then a HUGE giveaway of up to $400 Wal-Mart giftcards, up to $500 gas cards, gift certificates to every nice restaurant in the area, a camper, and a all-expense-paid Cruise for 2... i had my fingers crossed for the cruise. :( but we didn't win anything. Oh well... it was still really fun! it's a huge change though from my little church's "church picnic"! i miss knowing everyone in my church, but we met some new people today so thats good. :)

now we're just hanging out at home... relaxing, doing laundry, gonna eat supper soon... it's been a good weeekend... :)

Saturday, September 20, 2008


so... nathaniel will be 6 months old tomorrow! i can hardly believe it... the time has TRULY just gone by in the blink of an eye! We have never had professional pictures taken of him, so we decided that we better get that done! though we not quite sure how we'll afford it, i'm sure a kidney will suffice. ;) lol but i'm excited to have some done of him... he's just such a CUTIE!!!! plus we're gonna have some family pictures done of all three of us... THAT has me a bit more nervous!!!!! i've yet to completely lose all my "baby fat" and i've just never been one to LOVE what i see in the mirror... but i'm sucking it up and doing it. I know i'll be glad i did in the future. Plus my mom was simply awesome and let me buy a top on her... with my body changing so much from week to week it seems, it's hard to keep up... plus we all needed to match-kinda-sorta... so that was a problem. But i think we found a top for me that is flattering, mom-modest, stylish, and matches the boys. :) I found a $10 gift card to Babies R Us so we were also able to get nathaniel a nice baby-botton down. :D SO ADORABLE!!!!!!! *sigh* he just looks like such a big boy in it!!!

but anyways... i'm showered and have my hair done... all i have to do is do my makeup and get in my outfit, get nathaniel dressed, and fed and then we're off!!!! I'm SO nervous!!!!! i wish my mom were here to make sure i'm not getting ripped off and that i'm doing everything right, and i wish chuck (carly- my sister) were here to make sure we all look good! lol anyways... better get to moving! :S eek!

Monday, September 15, 2008


so i'm a Christian... have been my entire life... i believe the Bible as fact, and have seen God work in my life in real and tangible ways. I am also a very... peaceful person... i do not debate... and i HATE confrontation. So recently i read a friend of mine's "note" on facebook... and she was simply sharing Peter's story about when he walked out onto the water, yet when he took his eyes off Jesus, he started to sink, and when Jesus took his hand he was brought upright once again... and she just said that that really reflected her life right now... how she really saw in her life how when she took her eyes off Jesus, things tend to go down hill, but when she continues to look to God, things just feel more peaceful. Her family attended my church for a lot of years, until her parents divorced... but i still know them all. Well her older brother, Tyler got on there and kinda tore it to pieces... just demeaned her insight into her faith... kinda pissed me off. This girl's been through A LOT, and i thought it was beautiful to see her writing a public "note" about her spiritual life. He asked her what kind of things Jesus could do that anyone else couldn't do for her? So i pointed out that i was pretty sure no one I knew would/could die on a cross and raise themselves from the dead to grant me eternal salvation and a place in heaven... and i also quoted Hebrews 11:1 which says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." because one of his points was that anything in the world can be explained by logic and reason... except the idea of God and Jesus being a real person. Well, that got him going!!!!! He is now all over my tale about how the Bible isn't a "credible source of history" and how the blessing i pointed out in my life could have happened without God's help and how he thinks it's foolish to "reject" reason and logic and just believe in some invisible and omnipotent God. I hate debates... and then he says some stupid comment about how Hebrews 11:1 is like saying that if he really believes that there is a "purple unicorn" in his closet than it MUST be true because he says so... no matter what the facts or evidence. UGH!!!!!!! i'm NOT the person to freaking DEBATE with people about this!!!! God shouldn't HAVE to prove Himself!!!! It makes me angry and very sad... i SHOULD be asleep, but i couldn't stop thinking about it... so i prayed, and ended up crying because i don't want to fail... i want to beat him! i want to prove to him that Jesus is REAL! but i don't know HOW without using God's own word! my only comeback is that i'm pretty sure that "purple unicorn" of his didn't have a book talking all about him for thousands of years! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

plus i've just got SO MUCH other... CRAP on my mind... heavy, big people choices to make... and i can't seem to shut down my brain... and i can't see the future... so that doesn't help at all... :P

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Can't Book Series Just Go On Forever???

So i'm a reader... i have a book shelf FULL, i mean PACKED 2 rows deep on every shelf of books... i have to have SOMETHING to read at all times... i prefer series, though i think i have a hard time with series ENDING. lol I first noticed the deep attachment that i seem to develop with series when i read the Kids Left Behind series... i literally bawled when the series ended. Then more recently i read through all the books that Phillippa Gregory wrote on the wives of Henry VIII (though technically not a series) and i seemed to have a empty and unsettled feeling when i came to the last book, not because of the way the series ended, but that they ended at all and that i was left with no more fluid reading material. :S And now... i find mysefl almost frantic for December to come for the Twilight Movie to come out because i just finished the last Twilight book... and i am searching all over Google for pictures from the movie! i have a sickness. i am an adict!!! I am hooked fast, and seem to live and breath the book i am reading, and then when the supply to my addiction is suddenly cut off i am always left unsatisfied, no matter what the ending! Then i go through almost panicy withdrawls! and i scramble for my next "hit" or series! lol

i wish there was a support group for this. :P

Friday, September 12, 2008

My Husband Rocks!

saw this on a girlfriend's blog, and want to join the fun! i agree that in these days that marriages are viewed as work, as something you get stuck in, wives seen as the "ball and chain"... well, there are still sweet moments every now and then. :)

this week justin and i had some ups and downs... we're battling some big, grown up decisions. But one night this week, he came home from work and i was already making supper in the kitchen. He proceeded to play with nathaniel and play on his XBox a little, and randomly he comes into the kitchen, kisses my cheek, and just kinda smiles at me while he grabs a drink. I asked him, "What?" and he just stops to stand next to me and the counter, and simple-like states "You're just amazing." and walks back to the living room.

it's just nice to know that he sees me that way... sometimes you start to feel like the lamp in the corner of the room when you've been married for awhile... like you're just THERE... so it's nice to be reminded that you're something special to him. :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Brace yourselves! Here We Go!

well, i love to blog... but we'll see how this goes. When it comes to blogs, because of my passion to write in general, sometimes i lose sight of the line that's drawn between "blog material" and "too personal"... but my hope is that here, on a site dedicated to blogs alone, that maybe i won't have to think about that... that i can just write... nothing TOO personal, i assure you, but just personal enough to actually be able to write about whats on my heart, get it off my chest, and maybe just be able to think some stuff though... we'll see...

but at this moment... i'm content... i miss my family, and i wish i were with them... but i have my husband, and i have my son... and i adore them both. I am blessed beyond my understanding in them... we can pay our bills, we have clothes to cover our backs, we have food in our cupboards, we have a comfortable and safe home(safe enough... not as safe feeling as IOWA, but...), and we are healthy... and i feel fulfilled in my faith in my Savior and in my "occupation" as a mom and wife at the moment... guess, i'm just along for the ride. :)