planning...

One of the main reasons that Justin attempted to avoid deployment was because he started school this  fall.  This was a huge thing for Justin since he's not a biggest fan of school, and has always kinda put it off. But he finally started attending classes at William Penn University, claiming a Computer Science major. Turns out he actually likes his classes and especially the challenge. He had planned to go year round, in hopes of graduating in only 3 years.  I'm so proud of him for going to school! I feel that education is SO important. 

But today he is meeting with his school adviser to tell them 

that he will have to quit school after this semester. 

One a "good" note, this news has encouraged us to not waste time and i can see how Justin is cherishing time with the boys.  There have been more moments of spontaneous giggles, more tickling, more sweet moments and more hugs. I could look at it as it's sad that it took this to bring that out... OR i could just be thankful. and soak it up. and i think that's what i'm going to do. 

processing...

A few months ago we heard the rumors that a deployment was possible... 

likely... 

then for sure. 

No idea when...

by the end of the year...

then spring...

then...

No idea to where... 

then we heard Baghdad... 

then Dubai... 

then... 

We had an out. 

Justin's re-enlistment was up before the estimated deployment date. 

...However...

my Justin, always the sailor, undeniably felt the pull.  

Where they send him, he will go.

A mentality which i admire in him very much. 

Except when they send him far away, 

into a more dangerous place than we've ever thought he would go.  

He signed his "Intent to Re-enlist", because of the feel of duty, as well the monetary benefits that were just as undeniable with my students loans coming due next year.  We told his mom and sister, and they weren't thrilled either, talking him through some thoughts he maybe hadn't thought of previously.  He then tried to backtrack... talking to his Senior Chief and pushing paper to recant his intent.  His Sr. Chief seemed optimistic and said with all his reasons (school, sister's wedding, wife's college graduation) that he stood a good shot of being able to recant his intent and not go on deployment.  

But we got the call yesterday that his orders were too far along in the process to be cancelled. The news shook us, as we'd been living with the understanding that he would be here for some MAJOR family events (graduations, weddings, trips, birthdays)... but then suddenly, he was missing from all the expected memories i'd had playing in my head. 

selfishly, my graduation being the big one. 

irrational thoughts starting pouring in... maybe he WANTED to go, maybe he had told his Sr. Chief to not try too hard, maybe he wanted to get away from daily life here, maybe he wanted to be on his own, away from the responsibility of husbandhood and fatherhood.  

But i realize that that is Satan using my insecurities and fear of abandonment to shake my trust in my dear husband... who was sitting right next to me, most likely feeling the same dread and fear i was. 

this all happened within a few moments inside my consciousness. 

Then, as i laid in bed last night, a new fear i haven't really faced before started to creep over me. 

What if he didn't come home.

See, his last deployment, he was tucked away safe and sound in the belly of a Naval Aircraft Carrier. A massive, floating stronghold.  A tool of intimidation.  

I had no fears of him being shot at. blown up. attacked. 

But Afghanistan is different. It's a target with a lot of weaknesses. 

To say the least, i'm having a hard time not allowing these kinds of fears to consume me. I'm trying to be strong. I know Justin has to have had these things cross his mind as well, so i have to be strong. i have to be confident that he'll be perfectly safe... i mean, he is a part of a supply unit after all, not on the front lines. He'll be at an "airport" type base for much of the time... which i'm sure MUST be crawling with security.

Right?

Anyways, i'm hoping to use this blog to chronical my thoughts and feelings through this deployment.  It'll be a place of raw thoughts and emotions... so i'm sorry in advance if it gets  bit "weepy" or "whiney". but i want to talk about the good and bad times. I'm hoping there will be plenty of good times through this seemingly dark time.