Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Justin made it to the airport and into the air ok today... it was really messy actually, but they made it. First they're plane got delayed, then it got changed to a later flight, then that wasn't good enough, so they changed AIRPORTS!!!!! They finally got into the air at about 12noon i think. They are well on there way to California, where they will be taken to the USS Nimitz and leave on Friday.

I've been kind of a mess all day... i don't want to DO anything... i just want to lay around and miss him and daydream of him and envision our reunion. I already can't wait! i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the things he'll miss... Christmas... our Wedding Ann....without my husband? it's just not right... and no matter what my family does to fill the void... or how many "Girl Nights" i fill my schedule with... it won't fix it... it won't make the ache go away...

unless you're a military spouse... or have spent MONTHS away from your husband... you can't begin to understand what THIS is... i feel like 1/2 my brain is gone, i can't even think straight. Everything is missing SOMETHING... in a room FULL of fun, and loving people i still feel like i am standing alone... looking around for what is missing... but i know what is missing. And nights are just endless... i can't sleep unless i'm EXHAUSTED... and even when i have the whole bed to myself... i fill it with pillows, or bring Nathaniel into my bed just to fill it. I think about him... about being with him... having him curled up beside me... and it feels like the pillows and blankets and baby still can't fill his spot. And i know they really can't... i was just hoping something would.

i promise not to let my blog become a "POOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" blog... but i AM gonna have my days... and nights where i just need to wallow and talk it out. I do journal... so that will help.

But right now... i miss him... and i'm lonely... and it's really not gonna feel any better til he is HOME and we don't have to say goodbye anymore.

no goodbyes... not even any impending goodbyes to worry about... it hardly seems like a reality. Maybe someday... maybe a year... maybe 25 years til that someday arrives... but someday.

Monday, July 27, 2009


thats what i'm filled with... i am DREADING friday, when Justin is scheduled to pull out of San Diego, CA. He is anxious and excited i think... though he doesn't say so to ME because he knows how sick i am about it... just THINKING about it makes me tear up. I don't want to think about it. 6 months... no phone calls... no web cam... no pictures from him.. not even the option of making a trip out to be with him... and only HOPING for an email daily. He'll miss so much... my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our 3 year Anniversary. And i'll miss HIS birthday... having him here for family events... getting to spoil him rotten for our Ann. *sigh* i hate this...

I can't deny that i'm jealous... all the amazing places he'll go... ugh.

BUT i'm trying to really focus on where I'M going!!!! I'm am WAY excited that i have Central College to look forward to. And justin, after studying up on the details of the GI Bill, plans on also attending Central once he comes home for good. I can just imagine us both graduating from Central College... caps... gowns... celebrations... FINALLY graduating college... a goal i feel like i've been fighting to reach for years already... and really, i still have 4 years ahead of me. But i'm SO excited! and i feel like i have some amazing direction from some people at Central College. :) SO i'm focusing on that.

i just hate going alone... it's gonna be hard... working my way through college, being a mom, making good grades (in hopes of getting more financial help)... BUT, i can do it. :) i have to!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

just feeling excited!

So i've been feeling pretty lost lately concerning my education and where my life was headed... i've pretty much put my schooling on hold for the past 3 years, taking what classes i would WHEN i could... just trying to figure out how i could make it to my goal of graduating. I felt like i was fighting to swim up stream... against the current.

But today i went to talk to a professor from Central College... where i dream of eventually graduating from... when i get discouraged, i seriously picture myself in my cap, gown, and holding a diploma... standing on the Central green... taking pictures of me with my degree. I talked to the professor about what i need to do to get to Central... and what classes i need to get done at Indian Hills Comm. College before transferring to Central College. I always felt like everyone i talked to never gave me straight answers... never broke it down for me... never directed me in the right direction... always gave me wishy-washy answers concerning my education. But as i sat with her... i told her what i loved, what i'm good at, what i want to do, and what i know i shouldn't do... what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are... and she gave me straight up, honest answers... and broke down every class i should and should not take, what i can do, and what i can't. She actually made a LIST of the classes i need to have before i get to Central, and what classes i can take there. She told me that the whole Administrative Assistant, though i good idea if i wanted to maybe use that later on... would not benefit me all that much... and she suggested i not waste my time, focus, energy, and money on it. She gave me names and phone numbers of people who will continue to help me reach my goal... and told me straight up what she thinks i should major in. English. :) i love it. i feel encouraged and validated. *sigh*

i feel so amazing... i feel like i might actually make it to graduation day. It's gonna be a heavy class load... a lot of work... a lot of money (Central is not cheap)... and almost 4 years. but i feel like i might actually make it. I talked to Justin... and told him what it's gonna take, as far as time and classes... and he was SO supportive... 100%... i told him that it might take him giving up the military until i finish school... or at least trying to get orders to HERE... and he said that we would do what we need to make it happen.

i am so excited... i am thrilled... i feel like i finally know where i'm going... i love it. :)