Monday, January 4, 2010

on the downhill slope...

and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S

Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!

Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.

meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!

i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.

But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!

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