Sunday, January 10, 2010

a prayer...

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7

"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7

i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.

which way, God?

one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.

way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...

God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!

"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."

1 comment:

TwinMomMichelle said...

I'm praying for you this morning, Anna. I know those feelings so intimately.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..."
Psalm 37:4-7a