Sunday, April 18, 2010

Never gets easier...

Justin's visit has come and gone... i didn't upload pictures, reply to emails, or even take time to blog while he was here... he actually stayed an extra 18 days than what i thought... talk about a surprise! it was AMAZING! we made many great memories! priceless time as a family and together... memories i'll share in the coming days.

but today we had to say goodbye again. i don't know why, but it was even harder than last time. maybe because it just felt like the time together just hadn't quite balanced out with the time apart this past year.

friday was horrible... my last full day with him, i had to work a full day. We'd planned on having a grill out with his family at our house and then putting up a swing set for nathaniel that i would pick up after work, thinking i'd be off plenty before 7pm. Well, i wasn't, and in my opinion, i very well could have been. My coworker made me stay all through our last session (which was at 6pm and only a 2 week old, so could have been handled alone with the 2 parents and her- all i did was fluff the blankets), and then made me sell the session... meaning i sat with the parents while they looked at all the pictures, debated, asked questions, and figured out what they wanted to order. I told justin to go ahead and eat by 7pm. Well, this session took longer than it should have anyways, because the baby was cranky. VERY cranky... so we sat and waited through 2 feedings, and a diaper change. So it was after 8pm before i left the studio. I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up the swing set, only to walk out empty-handed and teary-eyed. The swing set was WAY too big to fit in my car. So i called my mom, bawling... venting about my work, and whining about the swing set. She and my grandpa agreed to go pick up the swing set and bring it over so justin and i could still put it up. I hurried home, crying, angry beyond words. I got home to a FILTHY kitchen, cold food, and people getting ready to leave... i missed the whole thing. so around 9pm, when i was sitting down to eat, everyone was leaving. My mom and grandpa brought over the swing set, and justin and i were out putting that up until 12midnight, easily. Not the night we'd hoped for.

Saturday was a rush of laundry and packing. it sucked. packing up his sea bag, emptying the house of his things... it's like slowly tearing a huge bandage off... starting slowly. idk... it hurts. We were running late (whats new?) so it was all a rushed goodbye. we got a few pictures, a couple very quick kisses, lots of choked-back tears... and a final wave... and he was gone. Nathaniel and i were able to go all the way to the gate with a special pass for military family members, so we stood in the terminal and watched his plane taxi, and take off... i could see justin in his seat, with his hand pressed to the window... mirroring mine. Nathaniel and i watched him until we couldn't see him anymore... nathaniel saying over and over "Where'd daddy go?" and "Bye, daddy!", and blowing kisses... how it breaks my heart.

we must be sick to choose this... sick and addicted to pain or something. because it never gets easy... sometimes i think it just gets harder. We still don't know if we're staying in or getting out... it all depends on if theres a chance he'll get a recruiting position. we just don't know. the reason i know i'm sick in the head is because i HOPE he gets a recruiting position and we can stay in! it would just be nice to have a little more time with this secure job while i finish school... and we save a bit more money.

i miss him though... our bed feels so big without him to share it with him... i just ache to have him here.

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