Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day...

Memorial Day is kind of a big deal to me... and i'm sure you can guess why. no, it's not because it's a day off, or the grills, or swimming... it's far more personal. It's a day this country actually recognizes it's military members... past and present. it's important to me that this takes place... because when i was living out in VA, even though people were far different than the simple, humble, and caring people of Iowa, the entire community had a deep respect and appreciation for it's military. and yes, the community was made up largely BY military members... but i don't think thats why the recognition was so apparent... i really do think that the people who lived there appreciated those military members and their families... they saw up close and personal how much work and dedication it takes by the military family to keep this country moving forward. But out here... yes, we are patriotic, and some families are touched deeply by the sacrifice (like mine... who have had now 4 members serve in only the last 3 generations -my gpa, 2 uncles, and my hubby)... but many times, the military member is not included in the entire feeling of patriotism. They don't seem to GET how hard it is, what it means to spend MONTHS, if not YEARS away from your loved one, and all for this country... to keep it safe, to keep it's structure sound, so keep it growing... but yet the deep honor and pride that seems to chain us and addict us to this lifestyle... though the hardest period of my life has been made up by this past year away from my husband, i have an intimate relationship with patriotism... not only has my husband served our country... but i have sacrificed as well. so the entire concept of the "sacrifice" you hear of when refering to Memorial Day is MY sacrifice... it's personal. it's both made me proud, and resentful in the same...

i'm struggling to tap into that severe pride today... Justin and i sat down last night via Skype and looked over our budget, adding everything up. not fun for anyone, but for us... painful as we came to the conclusion that we really might not make it outside the military, while both trying to be full time students. The uncertainty of jobs, along with the fact that in order to keep our heads JUST above water, we'd have to both work 30hours a week, WHILE going to school full-time, and trying to be parents... and our budget didn't include the required childcare expenses to work those 30+ hours, and the payments for a big hospital bill we just got for Nathaniel's CT Scan we did earlier this year when he fell... so as it stands now, justin and i might very well be forced to stay in the military... and be living apart for at least another year... or two... a VERY hard reality for me to accept. i just had a great feeling about getting out, being together, going to school together, being in the reserves, getting back in after school... i was comfortable with that... excited about everything... but now, all i can think about is the idea that i'll be sleeping alone for another year or two... and will continue being single parent for another year or two... and how fair is that to Nathaniel?????? it's not. And it's not like we're in debt up to our ears... it's just the fact that we can't both work full time AND go to school full time AND spend enough time with our son......... and baby #2 is out of the question unless justin is gone for the pregnancy, and only with us for about a week or two after baby is born... *sigh*


Give me greatness of heart to see,
the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding so that I may know,
when duty calls him, he must go.

Give me a task to do each day,
to fill the time when he’s away.

When he’s in a foreign land,
keep him safe in your loving hand.

And when duty is in the field,
please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when his deployment seems so long,
please stay with me and keep me strong.

-The Military Wife's Prayer


The Turkstra's said...

You are a very strong mommy and wife! Thank you!!

IRW Dana said...

Oh Miss Anna, you just made me cry. You are very brave and strong and I know the Lord will lead you and Justin where you need to be. Praying for both of you. Love you!!