Sunday, January 10, 2010

a prayer...

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7

"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7

i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.

which way, God?

one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.

way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...

God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!

"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."

Monday, January 4, 2010

on the downhill slope...

and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S

Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!

Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.

meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!

i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.

But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!