Saturday, June 4, 2011

i'm pregnant... it's 1am... i should be in bed.

i survived! i'm so excited! :) May was a crazy month, starting out with a horrible case of food poisoning (darn you, stupid Panda Garden!)... leading into finals, Women of Faith, a TEST of faith, nerves over test scores and my GPA, and then finally a release of much worry and stress... praise God... truly... that i survived.

Finals went ok... i didn't feel outstanding, but i ended up with a 3.5 GPA, which i am THRILLED with. This last semester was very stressful, as at mid-school year, i was told i would need to seriously consider another career route because my adviser didn't believe i could bring my major's GPA up enough to student teach in another year. I left his office feeling like a failure... weeping to my mom over the phone because i have never seriously considered doing anything BUT teaching... it's just what i know that God created me to do. i was angry at my adviser for not having faith in me, for treating me as a failure already, for not encouraging me- but for simply throwing up his hands and basically telling me i couldn't do it... i was angry at myself mostly though. All i could think were things like

"You should have never believed that you were smart enough to make it at Central College."

"Who are you to think you could really make a difference within the public school system?"

"You're good for nothing but staying home and doing the dishes and laundry... you CAN'T do anything else."

"You messed up... shouldn't have gotten married and had a child if you actually wanted to finish school! You can't be a mom AND a student, Anna..."

"If (so-and-so) and (so-and-so) can do it... why can't you?"

i felt completely defeated. i felt confused. What did God want me to do? i wasn't sure... and am still unsure, as i'm still a long ways away from being certified... but i pulled myself up by my bootstraps, prayed for strength, energy, and help... and about killed myself. but God pushed me through and i made it with great grades... and a GPA that would qualify me to student teach. Now i just have to KEEP it up!

I could tell that Satan was really trying to bring me down though... he was throwing everything at me... food poisoning, but more than that... he attacked my marriage. he attacked it big. and it about had me going over the edge.

there are so many things that could be said about this attack... so many fears exposed... but what good would it do? I must simply go from here... trusting that my God is leading me... and is working in situations that i have to surrender control over... and that He loves me.

I guess the point to this rambling is this... God totally came through for me with my GPA... and He got me through my first year at Central... now, only 2 more years.

But for now... a few things need my attention. I only have 4 more weeks to soak up all the moments i can with my little boy before i have to think about sharing my time with another little one. I'm 36 weeks today. things are almost ready for our new little one's arrival... and i'm excited! :)

The chance for Justin to get a recruiting position has come up once again... and we're going for it. I'm undecided in how i feel about the idea of being active military once again... though the perks are certainly out-weighing the cons right now. As of now, if he were to stay with his Navy Reserve unit... he would be shipping out for a 6-12month deployment in late 2012... which would be smack-dab in the middle of my senior year at Central. Deployment alone brings so many fears and worries for me, as our first deployment was possibly the worst 8 months of my life... add being a mother of 2, being a full-time student in her senior year? Lord, have mercy! BUT... if he were to get this recruiting position... he would not be deployed any time soon. um... YES, PLEASE! Plus, the pay is much better... which we desperately need at the moment. Free healthcare (basically). And Justin would be HAPPY again... because as much as he says he DOESN'T resent me asking him to get out of the military so i could finish my education at Central and have more babies and be close to my family... i know he is unhappy not being a sailor, being stuck in small-town Iowa, in a factory job that has an uncertain direction. *sigh* SO... i am going to follow God's lead... Justin is applying for the job, and we are going to see what God does with that... and THEN i will pray for the attitude and strength needed to live with whatever direction that leads us.

pray for us. :S

Well... thats about it for this long update... sorry. maybe i will try to blog more often, so that my one blog a month isn't so LOOOOOOONG. :S lol

1 comment:

Sarah Scripture said...

You are doing great, Anna! Kudos to you for all that you are doing. I am newly a mother and know how hard it is to do just that...add on school...that's rediculous! :) Your attitude is definitely in the right place. I've been having fun reading your blog and seeing what you are up to.