Never gets easier...

Justin's visit has come and gone... i didn't upload pictures, reply to emails, or even take time to blog while he was here... he actually stayed an extra 18 days than what i thought... talk about a surprise! it was AMAZING! we made many great memories! priceless time as a family and together... memories i'll share in the coming days.

but today we had to say goodbye again. i don't know why, but it was even harder than last time. maybe because it just felt like the time together just hadn't quite balanced out with the time apart this past year.

friday was horrible... my last full day with him, i had to work a full day. We'd planned on having a grill out with his family at our house and then putting up a swing set for nathaniel that i would pick up after work, thinking i'd be off plenty before 7pm. Well, i wasn't, and in my opinion, i very well could have been. My coworker made me stay all through our last session (which was at 6pm and only a 2 week old, so could have been handled alone with the 2 parents and her- all i did was fluff the blankets), and then made me sell the session... meaning i sat with the parents while they looked at all the pictures, debated, asked questions, and figured out what they wanted to order. I told justin to go ahead and eat by 7pm. Well, this session took longer than it should have anyways, because the baby was cranky. VERY cranky... so we sat and waited through 2 feedings, and a diaper change. So it was after 8pm before i left the studio. I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up the swing set, only to walk out empty-handed and teary-eyed. The swing set was WAY too big to fit in my car. So i called my mom, bawling... venting about my work, and whining about the swing set. She and my grandpa agreed to go pick up the swing set and bring it over so justin and i could still put it up. I hurried home, crying, angry beyond words. I got home to a FILTHY kitchen, cold food, and people getting ready to leave... i missed the whole thing. so around 9pm, when i was sitting down to eat, everyone was leaving. My mom and grandpa brought over the swing set, and justin and i were out putting that up until 12midnight, easily. Not the night we'd hoped for.

Saturday was a rush of laundry and packing. it sucked. packing up his sea bag, emptying the house of his things... it's like slowly tearing a huge bandage off... starting slowly. idk... it hurts. We were running late (whats new?) so it was all a rushed goodbye. we got a few pictures, a couple very quick kisses, lots of choked-back tears... and a final wave... and he was gone. Nathaniel and i were able to go all the way to the gate with a special pass for military family members, so we stood in the terminal and watched his plane taxi, and take off... i could see justin in his seat, with his hand pressed to the window... mirroring mine. Nathaniel and i watched him until we couldn't see him anymore... nathaniel saying over and over "Where'd daddy go?" and "Bye, daddy!", and blowing kisses... how it breaks my heart.

we must be sick to choose this... sick and addicted to pain or something. because it never gets easy... sometimes i think it just gets harder. We still don't know if we're staying in or getting out... it all depends on if theres a chance he'll get a recruiting position. we just don't know. the reason i know i'm sick in the head is because i HOPE he gets a recruiting position and we can stay in! it would just be nice to have a little more time with this secure job while i finish school... and we save a bit more money.

i miss him though... our bed feels so big without him to share it with him... i just ache to have him here.

2 days & a "wake up"...

i can barely believe that we're actually this close! i've been on edge for the past week... just a ball of anxiousness and excitement and nerves! I've finished the man cave, finished the bed room make over, moved justin's old car into our own garage, hung curtains all through the house, brought in a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture from family... and in these last few days, am cleaning from top to bottom! I'm really excited to finally be able to show him our home! and just really talk with him!

i know that through this deployment, the dynamics of our marriage will have changed. I'm nervous about discovering these changes. I feel sure that we'll make it through this transition, but i'm fearful of what exactly will have changed. I don't think Justin is nervous at all though... lol He's just excited! i'm glad that he's so excited... it's refreshing after his emotional silence... during some of the harder months, he seemed to shut down... it's like, if he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. It was a mixture for me... like, sometimes it helped to think about him as much as i could. but then other times, it was like torture.

but now i don't have to worry about it... only a couple more days until i am with him again... and even though it'll only be for 11 days, it's better than nothing. I can't wait... and i am so anxious to just be with him again. *sigh* 2 days... and roughly 5 hours. :) I can't wait!!!!!

17 days...

i'm in the most bitter mood EVER. Woke up to a text from Justin letting me know that he won't be able to stay long enough to be home from Easter. I'm very disappointed... Easter is a huge Holiday for my family, and i'm just sick and tired of going to special family gatherings alone, and of justin missing out on such precious moments in nathaniel's life. This will be his 2nd Easter away from us... also the 2nd Mother's Day. Then, as i laid in bed fuming about the fact he won't even be home a full 2 weeks (only 11 days) i realized that in June, we'll have only been together 11 days out of that last year. and only 21 days out of that last 15 months. it's not ok... he's missed EVERY SINGLE holiday and special day... and like i said, some holidays twice. it's NOT ok that he's missed Nathaniel hunting for Easter eggs two years in a row, that he's missed Christmas, and our Ann. it's NOT OK.

and then... it happened. It always happens. and i think it happens to every military family. The inevitable future goodbye's haunting.

Justin's not even home, and i'm already thinking of the next time we'll have to say goodbye. The next "last night" together. The next time i have to drive him to the airport. The next time i'll have to watch him walk away from me. I hate that... but i can't help it. It's inevitable. It's that thought thats in the back of your head his entire time home saying... "You only have 11 days with him...", "You only have another week with him...", "You only have 3 more days with him...", "You have to say goodbye again tomorrow...". I mean, you BARELY get used to being with them again, sharing responsibilities, and having them there to talk to... and you're turning around to say goodbye again! what must it do to Nathaniel's little heart and mind? i mean, it TEARS ME UP... but at least i understand why... poor nathaniel doesn't understand at all. The only comfort i can take in this goodbye is that it is the last... no more on the horizon, at least for now. Also, we'll be able to talk on the phone just about any time we want... for however long we want... about anything we want...

it's comforting... but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow those numbers... 11 days in a year...

11 days is just not enough...

*22 days*

sigh... i LOVE how small that number is! especially after a night like last night... was up SICK as all get out. It started when i was over at my grandma and grandpa's house, i felt my stomach a'churning. :S i was walking nathaniel to the car across the street when it really hit... ugh. scared poor nathaniel to death! i was able to pull myself together to drive us home, but soon felt my stomach gurgling again, so called my mom and asked her to come get nathaniel. I don't know what i'd do without her... she's really been there to help me through this time while justin's been gone. but she took him home with her so i was able to battle this bug... ugh. it sucked. i HATED being alone... you see, when i'm sick, i want to be babied. lol nathaniel has even learned this... he'll get extra cuddly when i'm in a certain mood, or sick. But i knew it was best that he not be around. but trust me... i sent plenty of whiny emails to justin. Anyways... this morning i am feeling much better. i'm munching on dry cereal, and looking forward to a pretty good day.

Meeting with some friends from out of town for lunch, then going with my husband's best friend and his girlfriend to DesMoines for a little shopping and a trip to Chucky Cheese. Nathaniel's first! :) I think he'll like it. :)

anyways... i'm gonna try to get up and around and get some things done... maybe the house picked up a bit, and a load of laundry done. might as well while i'm feeling decent and nathaniel isn't here to drag it all out right away. ;)

41 days...

so i recently read a book called "Standing By", it was written by a Navy Pilot's wife while her husband was on an IA (Individual Assignment) and away from home for about 6 months. I felt like i was reading MY story in a lot of ways, not EVERY way, but in a lot of ways. The mix of pride and unbearable loneliness, the adoration and the rage felt all in the same breath for the military, and the complete fear yet anxiousness that rises in the pit of our stomachs as the homecoming nears.

today... it's more the loneliness, rage, and anxiousness.

Justin is in port in Malaysia right now... and we were able to chat and webcam this morning.

1.) MY computer won't read anything that i try to plug into the USB port... meaning a webcam. SO i had to download skype and install my webcam's hardware unto my sister's computer, and get it connected to our internet (which wasn't easy because we have a security-ensured connection) to get it all working. so that took a good hour.

2.) i looked less than glamorous because i woke up and jumped right onto the computer! my whole extra 20lbs was showing, plus no makeup... awesome.

3.) and then when i FINALLY got to see and talk to my husband.... we had NOTHING to talk about except our son. and i'm sorry, but thats not enough for me. i LOVE my son... adore him! but right now, i am in desperate need of some serious connection with my husband... some serious communication. But justin isn't the best at expressing himself through words. Never has been. But when we're face to face, it works out ok... he SHOWS me love in many ways, he doesn't have to use words. But when we've got 1000's of miles between us, words are all we've got. So... this morning... we basically just sat and looked at each other and said the same things over and over again... "I love you.", "I miss you.", "I can't wait to be home.", "This is so hard without you here." or watched nathaniel play, or point to his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth while saying their names. It was great family time... AMAZING family time, really. But... gosh i need some husband and wife time. and i'm not just talking about sex... i just need my partner, i need my other half, i need to sit and watch a movie with him, i need to hold his hand, i need to make dinner with him, i need to give him a kiss, and i need a hug from HIM! ugh.

and i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of having a pout-fest. ugh! can this PLEASE JUST BE OVER!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

ok, getting off my blog and gonna drown my sorrows in Mountain Dew and Oreo Balls. then i'll go to the gym and work them off after class. yep. sounds like a plan.

one of those nights...

Nathaniel is sick... runny nose, temp, cough, and fighting sleep. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow... but if nathaniel is still sick like this, i won't be... which i hate, and honestly makes me nervous. He's cuddled up beside me, fiddling with my hair, just starting to snore.

it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...

i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.

at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...

i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.

46 days...

it's a gorgeous day outside... the sun is out. I makes me anxious for spring... for warm, sunny days at the park... and for going barefoot outside.

we have 46 days til justin is home... well, visits. He'll be here for 2 weeks, then will have to go back to Virginia for a few months, until his contract is up. and we've been apart for 220 days. WOW. :S

We're SO CLOSE though... i can feel it! Justin's currently in Thailand, but they'll be leaving there, and pulling into Malaysia soon. I'm excited for Malaysia mainly because all the guys get their one and only overnight liberty, and justin and a couple other guys have planned on renting a hotel room together to use the high speed internet! HAHAHA! The high speed internet on base is just about worthless, and they have VERY limited access on the ship... so all these married guys have decided to do this so that they can all chat and skype with their wives/kids back home without it disconnecting them or having a time limit. AWESOME! justin and i haven't seen each other for MONTHS. I can't wait for justin to see Nathaniel. I am just praying the internet is GOOD, and it won't be kicking justin off every 2 minutes. :P After Malaysia i think they have one other port, then HOME! March 21st they'll be docking in Washington, and he'll be on a plane that night, flying all night, and landing in DesMoines, IA at 7:30am on March 22nd... the day after Nathaniel's birthday. *sigh* The only bad thing is that i'll still have to go to school while justin is here... i'll most likely skip the first week, maybe... but i don't want to fall behind, so we'll have to see. :S

Once he goes back to VA, it's all down hill from there... he'll be able to call every day, we'll be in the same general time-zone (only an hours difference), he'll be able to go over to a friend's house and use their high speed any night he wants- so we can web-cam and skype all the time... it'll be so much easier to communicate. and we'll only have about 3 months until he MOVES home!

i still feel like i'm in marathon mode though... toward the end, the pain is burning in my chest, and legs... but i just put my head down and push... one step at a time. i can't afford to stop, or hesitate, or even look around... i just have to push...

after he moves home... it's completely unknown.