whats up?

oh boy! everything has been a whirlwind the past week or so! We've still been searching for a home, and i think we've come to a place where we've got it narrowed down to 2 houses... one thats move in ready, the other that we would have to update and put our own mark on. I think we're gonna pick #2 because we think the re-sell value will be more, and the bedrooms are bigger. and i'm just in LOVE with the character of the home! ;) There are some major perks to the 1st house, that i hate walking away from... the yard (big!), NICE updated kitchen, all one level, finished basement... ugh. BUT... i don't know. BUT, we're making a choice between the two houses, then we're gonna make an offer. :D CRAZY! i can't believe we're gonna buy a house!!!! WOW! :D

other than that, i've been working out like nuts, and have tanned a few times. :) I haven't lost ANY weight... but i see a change in my body because i'm toning up! :) i love it! and i love working out... i ran a mile in great time (for me) the other day, so i am PUMPED. :)

i have a job interview today at a local restaurant. I hope i get the job... but i am afraid i won't because i'll need so much time off through the summer, and i won't work sundays. :S BUT i figure God will work it out that thats exactly what they need if i'm meant to have that job. :)

started a weekly bible study with a group of my girlfriends... so i've been having a lot of fun with that.

Nathaniel is good... teething still, so he's not the happiest camper. but he's growing and loving being with our family. :)

but thats the update!

got me thinking...

ran across a blog... this young lady of 18 was talking about the touchy subject of female submission in the church and in the home. And i realized, as i read her blog... that it IS a touchy subject! i found myself wanting to correct, educate, and defend a more... "relaxed" version of that same "rule". See, i believe that women shouldn't be HEAD pastors... but i firmly believe that when talking about YOUTH pastors, or leaders working closely with CHILDREN, women should undoubtedly be involved... as a partner, or main leader for smaller children for sure. I DO NOT want a female president for this country... God made men to lead in a way women cannot. period.

but in a marriage, where the man and woman are SO close, and SO intimate... the lines become muddy, and complicated. See, Justin and i may have it backwards... but right for us. I'm the more spiritually mature... i was brought up in the church, accepted Christ at 3, then rededicated at about 15, i've had my valleys, and my mountain tops, i talk with God everyday, and am active in the church. Justin was brought up in and out of the Catholic church, accepted Christ in 2005, leaned on God heavily through Navy bootcamp, but since then been complacent (being in the military makes a day-in-day-out LIVING faith, really hard! :( )... so in our home, i am the spiritual leader... but i pray for my husband's spiritual health, i pray fervantly for my husband to become a man of God and our home's leader. We discuss, and share our thoughts about things in the Bible, about God in our lives, and i see Justin growing... maybe not as drastically, or quickly as i'd like... but he is coming to understand the part that God wants to play in our everyday life! That is great to me!

Then i see a extreme of submission... where every penny is overseen, every plan is approved, outfits ok'ed... and... i get REALLY defensive and my inner feminist comes out. I mean, i ask justin if we can afford certain things... i try to make him feel included in all my plans, but in our situation, i can't run my daily schedule by him hardly at all. I tell him after the fact!... i don't dress slutty, i ask if he likes what i'm wearing, but come on, i'm not a doll, and i need clothes, man! i'm not waiting around for you to feel generous to just give me the privaledge of buying new underwear! my gosh. lol And then... i see husbands being demanding, pouty, unappreciative, and whiney! UGH! if you're gonna submit to a man... submit to a MAN... not a little boy who stomps his feet and blows you off when you break your back trying to be exactly what he wants! Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't do that.

I don't know... i've had this brewing. I see sweet girlfriends, striving to be Godly wives... then all they get is a pat on the head as hubby walks by. >:( grrrrrrr... i mean, marriage is a partnership, a team effort, a mutual love and respect. Your husband is meant to be adored, as well as respected... but isn't respect earned to some extent????? A wife is meant to be cherished and nutured. And encouragement, consideration, fairness, faithfulness, honesty, and patience is naturally meant to be given to both!!!! IT'S A TWO WAY STREET!

i love the way my husband and i work... he is faithful, encouraging, strong, wise... i adore him and respect him beyond words. But i also know that he trusts me to make good descisions too... that he trusts that i have a brain, that i have good, spirit-led, judgement... that he loves me, respects me as a woman, and wants to make me happy. I adore him, and respect him... but he doesn't have to stomp around pouting to get it, or demanding it... he is a GOOD husband, and earns my trust, my adoration, and my respenct. and i strive to serve him... and let him know what an amazing man i think he is. I want him to know that i think he's SO smart financially... so i run all our spending by him, but not cuz he'll stomp around if i DON'T... because i feel better if i do.

i don't know... maybe i'm just a silly, nieve, only-2-years-into-marriage, honeymooner... but i love God, a lot, and i feel like God is blessing the way we're going... and i get defensive. lol SO... thats my blog.

this ends my rant.

Ashley's Giveaway!!!!!

So my friend ashley has been doing card giveaways on and off for awhile now... well NOW she's giving away more of a craft! SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! check out her blog! at Jaded Mission! hope you enjoy... but don't hope you win! ;) i have my fingers crossed for this one! ;)

*My Husband Rocks*

So... living 1000 miles away from each other makes things a little hard to do... but Justin has found small, out-of-the-norm ways to make me smile, and feel loved. One way that always makes me smile is justin will always send me random texts throughout the day saying things like



"I love you."
or
"I miss you."


Just to let me know that he's thinking of me...which is always nice. He also always texts me first thing in the morning. I look forward to the simple texts every morning...


"Good morning... i love you."


Still doesn't compare to the daily morning kiss before he dashes out the door to work.... but i'll have to do for now. But he never ceases to amaze me with his faithfulness, slow temper, willingness to liten, and consistancy... i daily fall in love with him all over again because of those things. I am truly... TRULY blessed.

insecurity...

i have a problem with insecurity... always have, and most likely will always struggle with it. Sometimes i wonder if i see a completely different person than what everyone else sees... i'm not gonna sit here and list off all my imperfections, because i don't want anyone to tell me "Oh no, hunny... you've got beautiful skin!" or "Oh, anna! You just had a baby! Don't worry about that weight!"... well, i've got comebacks for them all... so i don't want to hear it.

but i'm sick of thinking this way about myself... but i don't know how to fix it... but i know i need to. It's even harder with justin being so far away... and him trying to help and take care of everyone else. Like tonight... he went out with a whole group of people, some guys and some girls... well, as the night was winding down, he gave a few of the girls a ride back to the ship... and though i KNOW nothing was ever even THOUGHT, let alone, DONE... i still hated thinking about any other girl(s) alone in the car with my husband. Am i being that "ball and chain" wife? So we argued about it tonight... and i hate that my personal insecurity is hurting my relationship with my husband.

but what is it... what is it that makes me see myself the way i do? is it just Satan? is it just my personality? is it past hurts and rejections? Why do i seem to have such an extreme case of this mindset?

I daily think that if i was skinnier... or tanner... or had the right hair... i could be happier... feel better. but i think... deep down, i think, maybe not. But i don't know. I think i might be. So i've bought a YMCA membership, and i'm gonna buy tanning minutes... and i'm gonna get high lights in my hair... then maybe i'll feel good.

but really, maybe the bad thing is... i will be happier if i look that way... is that vain? pathetic? lame? fake? materialistic?

or is it just me wanting to feel better about myself... wanting to feel GOOD... feel happy with ME...? what else can i change to make me feel better? Finish my education... thats one, but i'm on my way... coming this fall.

but i guess my biggest fear is that i'll never reach that point where i love what i see in the mirror... the last time i felt that? When i was at school in Orange City, at Northwestern... in theatre... laughing a lot...

but i don't know... these are just my thoughts for the night...

2.5 weeks down...

it's only been about 2 and a half weeks since justin went back to Virginia... and i think it's finally hit. It usually takes a week or 2 for the separation anxiety to really touch me, but it's hit... and is threatening to really knock me off my feet. It seems that Satan knows how to get to me too... in really hard, intimate ways... ways i never saw coming... but isn't that the way he always gets at you.

the loneliness really caves in on me once i'm really alone... like, once my family leaves, things just start popping in my head... i start thinking and missing and pouting.

i guess i just never thought that i would be battling the things i'm battling now... i really just need to dive into the Word, and rest in God's embrace while i wait for my husband to be with me again. But i can tell this is not gonna be as easy, emotionally OR physically, as i thought it would be.

This blog might turn pretty intimate, and serious... we'll just see what comes.