i have a problem with insecurity... always have, and most likely will always struggle with it. Sometimes i wonder if i see a completely different person than what everyone else sees... i'm not gonna sit here and list off all my imperfections, because i don't want anyone to tell me "Oh no, hunny... you've got beautiful skin!" or "Oh, anna! You just had a baby! Don't worry about that weight!"... well, i've got comebacks for them all... so i don't want to hear it.
but i'm sick of thinking this way about myself... but i don't know how to fix it... but i know i need to. It's even harder with justin being so far away... and him trying to help and take care of everyone else. Like tonight... he went out with a whole group of people, some guys and some girls... well, as the night was winding down, he gave a few of the girls a ride back to the ship... and though i KNOW nothing was ever even THOUGHT, let alone, DONE... i still hated thinking about any other girl(s) alone in the car with my husband. Am i being that "ball and chain" wife? So we argued about it tonight... and i hate that my personal insecurity is hurting my relationship with my husband.
but what is it... what is it that makes me see myself the way i do? is it just Satan? is it just my personality? is it past hurts and rejections? Why do i seem to have such an extreme case of this mindset?
I daily think that if i was skinnier... or tanner... or had the right hair... i could be happier... feel better. but i think... deep down, i think, maybe not. But i don't know. I think i might be. So i've bought a YMCA membership, and i'm gonna buy tanning minutes... and i'm gonna get high lights in my hair... then maybe i'll feel good.
but really, maybe the bad thing is... i will be happier if i look that way... is that vain? pathetic? lame? fake? materialistic?
or is it just me wanting to feel better about myself... wanting to feel GOOD... feel happy with ME...? what else can i change to make me feel better? Finish my education... thats one, but i'm on my way... coming this fall.
but i guess my biggest fear is that i'll never reach that point where i love what i see in the mirror... the last time i felt that? When i was at school in Orange City, at Northwestern... in theatre... laughing a lot...
but i don't know... these are just my thoughts for the night...