Wednesday, April 15, 2009

insecurity...

i have a problem with insecurity... always have, and most likely will always struggle with it. Sometimes i wonder if i see a completely different person than what everyone else sees... i'm not gonna sit here and list off all my imperfections, because i don't want anyone to tell me "Oh no, hunny... you've got beautiful skin!" or "Oh, anna! You just had a baby! Don't worry about that weight!"... well, i've got comebacks for them all... so i don't want to hear it.

but i'm sick of thinking this way about myself... but i don't know how to fix it... but i know i need to. It's even harder with justin being so far away... and him trying to help and take care of everyone else. Like tonight... he went out with a whole group of people, some guys and some girls... well, as the night was winding down, he gave a few of the girls a ride back to the ship... and though i KNOW nothing was ever even THOUGHT, let alone, DONE... i still hated thinking about any other girl(s) alone in the car with my husband. Am i being that "ball and chain" wife? So we argued about it tonight... and i hate that my personal insecurity is hurting my relationship with my husband.

but what is it... what is it that makes me see myself the way i do? is it just Satan? is it just my personality? is it past hurts and rejections? Why do i seem to have such an extreme case of this mindset?

I daily think that if i was skinnier... or tanner... or had the right hair... i could be happier... feel better. but i think... deep down, i think, maybe not. But i don't know. I think i might be. So i've bought a YMCA membership, and i'm gonna buy tanning minutes... and i'm gonna get high lights in my hair... then maybe i'll feel good.

but really, maybe the bad thing is... i will be happier if i look that way... is that vain? pathetic? lame? fake? materialistic?

or is it just me wanting to feel better about myself... wanting to feel GOOD... feel happy with ME...? what else can i change to make me feel better? Finish my education... thats one, but i'm on my way... coming this fall.

but i guess my biggest fear is that i'll never reach that point where i love what i see in the mirror... the last time i felt that? When i was at school in Orange City, at Northwestern... in theatre... laughing a lot...

but i don't know... these are just my thoughts for the night...

3 comments:

~hon~ said...

Please read this post. Hope it helps you.

Your ThoughtsI have been insecure with myself, too. But I came to the conclusion that nobody is really perfect. It is amazing to know that whatever we think of ourselves, the GOD of the universe thinks we are beautiful. Please believe HIM.

It's great to be honest especially with our weaknesses because GOD will show HIS power through those weaknesses.

A friend sent me this email. Since I don't know you're email address, I'll just post it here (hope you don't mind)...

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~ might be lonely.
And the Word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.'
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, 'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen~~ Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person, to me you are special!'

SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN ~ I JUST DID!

GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY! P.U.S.H.

iLoveYou, my dear co-heiress in CHRIST!

Ashley said...

Miss Anna, I love you! I have to agree with what was said in the first comment...I just blogged about something similar the other day, and I used to be you, what you said, being thinner, tanner, highlights. no kidding i have said all those things! several times actually! I know it "helps" having a husband that loves you and validates you daily, but whats even more important is getting that validation from God. Just like I blogged, "beauty is in the eye of the Beholder" but the beholder is not our husband, its God. God finds us beautiful, Period! not if, or when, Period! what it comes down to as well is that we have to get to a point in life that says I love me, because God loves me, and to love yourself from the inside. Beauty is not a physical trait in God's eyes, in soceity sure, but we are not to be of the world. Beauty is a heart thing. Think about it, i'm sure we have all met someone that is absolutely beautiful, but they do not have a beautiful heart, and vice versa. this is getting long, and i could go on forever about this...but if you want to talk more, feel free to email me or something. I love ya girl!

Katy Lin :) said...

amen to what was said in both of the first comments! i think everyone - women especially - struggles with this! (i know i do - all the time!)

i love you just the way you are! :)