2010 in Review...

January... we were about 6 months into Justin's deployment on the USS Nimitz, i was working on the house in preparation for justin's return home in March, was going to school at a near-by community college, and was working...

February... 7 months in, totally in panic mood to get justin's "Man Cave" done, still in school and working, celebrated Valentines day by hanging out with my mom. Justin sent me pretty roses, and Nathaniel and i had colored pictures and sent cards to Justin beforehand. :)

March- Nathaniel turned 2 years old the day before Justin flew into Des Moines after his 8 month deployment, the man cave was done, i was still going to school and working. Justin spent almost an entire month at home with us, which was such a blessing, as we simply could not get enough of him. :)

April- Because Justin was able to stay with us until mid-april, we were able to celebrate our Savior's defeat over death together... Easter. :) What a blessed time together! After he left, it was back to nate and i living our own little life here in Iowa with deep anicipation for justin's permanent return home in July. The Oskaloosa Prom was this month, and it being my baby sister's senior year, i played her personal paparazzi, and followed her around the whole day!

May- may brought the end of my school year at Indian Hills Comm. College, thank God! I continued to work, and work a little on the house. But mostly i was busy trying to help my mother get things around to celebrate my sister's graduation. I also celebrated my 2nd Mother's Day. :)

June- late may/early june i left for about 4 days in Virginia with Justin. his ship hosted a family day cruise, so i used that as an excuse to go spend time with him! i simply couldn't wait another month before seeing him! It was a great time! I enjoyed time off from school by spending as much time as possible simply playing with my son, and spending time with my family. I loved it! Also went to the midnight showing of Twilight Eclipse with my sister and cousin. Late June i flew to Virginia to say goodbye to friends, and to close that chapter in Justin and I's life together as i brought him HOME. :)

July- July 3rd, Justin and i drove into our driveway, bringing a close to our 15 month seperation. What an amazing feeling! I actually LOVED seeing his dirty underwear and socks littering the bathroom floor... but only for about a month, then it was just annoying. lol We celebrated the 4th of July with family, justin basically suffocating from hugs! Justin had two more paychecks secured from the military, but was able to get a job at Musco here in Oskaloosa, a true answer to A LOT of prayer concerning finding a job in this economy! We went to the fair, as a family and nathaniel thrived off having his daddy home! He changed in so many good ways!

August- I prepared to go back to school, only this time to Central College (my main aim) in Pella, IA. Officially starting my 2nd semester of my sophmore year at 22 years old, i declared a Social Science major, planning on getting my teaching certificate and teach high school history (US and World), along with psychology and possibly coaching. My baby sister also left for school, only at ISU. Justin jumped into work at Musco, and loved it! We packed the last few weeks of freedom with fun though, going to Adventureland, and The Iowa State Fair, as well as celebrating my aunt nona turning 50!

September-With school in full swing, my life became consumed with homework! We celebrated Justin's 23rd birthday, and the New Sharon Homecoming (as my cousin is now a senior! eek!)! I was also very busy at work with senior pictures, and already gearing up for the holiday picture season!

October- homework continued, and we celebrated my 23rd birthday! It was a busy busy month with my birthday, the Navy ball that justin and i attended, a visit to Carol's Pumpkin Farm, Holloween (for which we all dressed up for!). On October 19th, Justin and i also found out that we will be expected out next little baby Schaefer! We had been trying for about 3 months, and are VERY excited!

November- this month brought overwhelming homework, and work... so fall break (which overflowed with homework anyways) and Thanksgiving were welcome relaxation days!

December- Homework took over my life for the first 2 weeks or so, as we wrapped up the semester! i enrolled in classes for next semester, in which i will start my JUNIOR year! only 2 more years until i'm done! :) Justin and i took Nathaniel to the Oskaloosa Christmas Parade, and celebrated my Grandpa's birthday! Once break began, i only then began to be able to prepare for Christmas and went on a shopping day with my family! Christmas went by far too quickly, but was filled with LOTS of laughter, and family time! I'VE LOVED IT! We are now, at this moment, getting ready to walk out the door to ring in the new year with family and friends! What an up and down year! i am now 14 weeks pregnant, and am due July 1st! Personally, i am hoping for a girl, so am thinking *PINK* thoughts!

Goodbye 2010... you were pretty good to me and my family!

2011... i have a feeling you're gonna be filled with lots of stuff... hoping for more joy than tears! I am really looking forward to summer, and welcoming our new baby! as well as simply being able to watch Nate grow! That is the true joy in my life! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

my goodness... it's been far too long...

the things that have changed! WOW!

Justin is home and i'm loving it. He easily found a job (totally a God thing!!!!!) But now we are again back in limbo because we MIGHT be getting back into the Navy, BUT Justin would be holding a position as a Navy Reserve Recruiter, so it would make it so we could live here for about 5 years without having to event think about moving, which would be nice. So we're waiting waiting... :) whats new?

Our relationship bounced back REALLY well after his move home... we've had a couple small bumps in the road, but nothing that we didn't end up laughing about afterward. :) Nathaniel and Justin's relationship is great as well... Nathaniel has tried to challenge Justin's authority a few times, but he's 2... thats to be expected!!!! lol

I am back in school for the year at Central College, as well as working... AND staying busy with homework, church, and staying connected to my family. You can blame school with my lack of blogging! It's a tad overwhelming this year... though next semester, i don't plan on taking such a heavy load of classes.

But this is where i am now... when i first started this blog my husband was away, i was living in a tiny little apartment, i was searching for a job, i was attending a few classes at a comm. college, and parenting my son on my own. My family is now back together, we own a home, i'm working as a photographer, i'm attending the college i always wanted to be at, and my son is over 2.5 years old!

this is the journey... i hope to be a more active blogger, starting today. Just a little something everyday... homework i'm doing, food i make, song of the day... we'll see. :)

OR... i might be too busy. lol it'll be sporadic. ;)

bittersweet... story of my life.

well, i got my way... he's coming home. i'm excited beyond words to have him with us again... to go to bed and wake up next to him, cooking dinner together, going to church together, going out with friends as a couple, having him at my side at family events, movie nights, time together... i can't wait.

Justin is happy... but scared almost to the point that it's ruining it. I am choosing every moment to have faith that Justin will find a job... and that somehow we'll get everything covered financially. But i'm relying on my 15 year old faith to do that... justin is a YOUNG Christian... only about 4 years, and not practicing the past 1.5 years really. So justin is scared out of his mind. i hate that, and it's almost pushed me to give in and just let him stay in... but i want my husband back, and Nathaniel needs his daddy back. i do believe that this separation has changed Justin and i's relationship... and in some ways, damaged it. i hate that with all my heart... but i DO believe that Justin and i will work things out. We're both too stubborn to really give in... both VERY against divorce, aside from severe cases, and honestly still very much in love at the core of everything...

even though we've been fighting more than we ever really have in the past month (i blame our fear of getting out... something we'll conquer once he's here and we're together)... we've also had some very sweet conversations via text/email. Remember those cheesy things your hunny said when first trying to win you over... yeah, i got a few... and they worked like a charm. made me giggle like a silly school girl. Like when discussing sleeping arrangements when i fly out to drive with him home (i figured he'd go back to the ship, while i slept on the floor at a friend's house) and he said "I'd sleep better on concrete with you, than alone in a bed.". now come on!!!!!! thats pretty sweet. :) lol

So on Wed., June 30th... i'll be flying out to VA... landing at 12:30am, to be with my Sailor... to close this chapter of our lives TOGETHER. this was important to us to do this together... to leap into the unknown head-first holding hands. He can't legally leave until 12:01am on sat. so i'll be hanging out there for a day or two... but it'll be full of him working, and me spending some time with friends... saying goodbye for now. But then, we'll head home and be home by the 4th of July with our family. How appropriate, huh?

i really don't feel that this is the end of our time with the military... we love it, very very much. but right now... we need to focus on mending our family after this period of separation... i want to get my degree, we want to have another baby, we need to nurse our marriage's wounds, Justin needs to get back on track spiritually, and Nathaniel needs to get to know his daddy again. We need to be a family again before we are ready to live as a military family again. And later, when we try to get back in... if we do or don't... we know that at that point, it will be by GOD'S hand alone... we'll have no part in it. which makes me a lot more comfortable anyways. :)

anyways... 16 days and we'll be together again... no more waking up alone, no more communication restricted by time zones, internet speed, and phone availability... we'll be face to face again. I can't wait...

i'm starting to get a little dizzy...

all this dang back and forth... have we really been living in this limbo for a year now? you'd think we'd have made a dicision by now! HA! i have a bit more dutch in me than i thought... Justin too apparently. :S

we are still undecided, it feels like... though justin is moving toward getting OUT and going into the Reserves and keeps trying to convince me that he is ok with this... but i'm not happy with him just being "ok". dang it, i want him EXSTATIC that he is finally coming HOME... wouldn't you think that would be the natural repsonce? not so for this man...

ugh... men.

so dang complicated.

I know that it is VERY hard to walk away from this career... and trust me, it's laying on a fresh layer of guilt now that he's made 2nd Class Petty Officer... "half-way to the top!" as justin put it... but dang, i married Justin to SHARE a life with him... not live two seperate ones. and i KNOW it's had an effect on our marriage... when we're together, we're great, SO in love!... but right now, 1000's of miles apart... we don't talk, we don't flirt, we don't tease, and those nice, comfortable silences we used to cuddle during just aren't the same over the phone.

i am trying my hardest to be a good wife... patient, selfless, respectful, submissive, and yet be his PARTNER and let him know what i want... and am constantly trying to remind myself... "Is it REALLY all about what YOU want?", but then i can't help but think... "But how can it be God's will for our family to be split up for another 2 YEARS!?"...

this is rough terrain, ladies and gents... and i just want to move on... i want to know whats ahead...

*giggle*

and i know God just laughed out loud at that last statement... since when has that been part of the deal? I know that whatever path Justin chooses, God will give me the grace to accept and survive through...

BUT I REALLY WANT HIM HOME!

:P

Memorial Day...

Memorial Day is kind of a big deal to me... and i'm sure you can guess why. no, it's not because it's a day off, or the grills, or swimming... it's far more personal. It's a day this country actually recognizes it's military members... past and present. it's important to me that this takes place... because when i was living out in VA, even though people were far different than the simple, humble, and caring people of Iowa, the entire community had a deep respect and appreciation for it's military. and yes, the community was made up largely BY military members... but i don't think thats why the recognition was so apparent... i really do think that the people who lived there appreciated those military members and their families... they saw up close and personal how much work and dedication it takes by the military family to keep this country moving forward. But out here... yes, we are patriotic, and some families are touched deeply by the sacrifice (like mine... who have had now 4 members serve in only the last 3 generations -my gpa, 2 uncles, and my hubby)... but many times, the military member is not included in the entire feeling of patriotism. They don't seem to GET how hard it is, what it means to spend MONTHS, if not YEARS away from your loved one, and all for this country... to keep it safe, to keep it's structure sound, so keep it growing... but yet the deep honor and pride that seems to chain us and addict us to this lifestyle... though the hardest period of my life has been made up by this past year away from my husband, i have an intimate relationship with patriotism... not only has my husband served our country... but i have sacrificed as well. so the entire concept of the "sacrifice" you hear of when refering to Memorial Day is MY sacrifice... it's personal. it's both made me proud, and resentful in the same...

i'm struggling to tap into that severe pride today... Justin and i sat down last night via Skype and looked over our budget, adding everything up. not fun for anyone, but for us... painful as we came to the conclusion that we really might not make it outside the military, while both trying to be full time students. The uncertainty of jobs, along with the fact that in order to keep our heads JUST above water, we'd have to both work 30hours a week, WHILE going to school full-time, and trying to be parents... and our budget didn't include the required childcare expenses to work those 30+ hours, and the payments for a big hospital bill we just got for Nathaniel's CT Scan we did earlier this year when he fell... so as it stands now, justin and i might very well be forced to stay in the military... and be living apart for at least another year... or two... a VERY hard reality for me to accept. i just had a great feeling about getting out, being together, going to school together, being in the reserves, getting back in after school... i was comfortable with that... excited about everything... but now, all i can think about is the idea that i'll be sleeping alone for another year or two... and will continue being single parent for another year or two... and how fair is that to Nathaniel?????? it's not. And it's not like we're in debt up to our ears... it's just the fact that we can't both work full time AND go to school full time AND spend enough time with our son......... and baby #2 is out of the question unless justin is gone for the pregnancy, and only with us for about a week or two after baby is born... *sigh*

Give me greatness of heart to see,
the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding so that I may know,
when duty calls him, he must go.

Give me a task to do each day,
to fill the time when he’s away.

When he’s in a foreign land,
keep him safe in your loving hand.

And when duty is in the field,
please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when his deployment seems so long,
please stay with me and keep me strong.

-The Military Wife's Prayer

i really need to blog more...

oh my! SO MUCH to write about!

* we are getting out of the military... kinda. :)
Justin will no longer be active duty Navy after July 18th, 2010 and will go directly into the Navy Reserve. He gets paid little, but enough to cover the reserve's family health-care. (which means we can have another baby!!! :D ) He plans to attend college in the fall, either at Indian Hills for Digital Forensics, or Central College for Physics. YIKES! He's such a smarty pants. ;) Once he has his degree (or, if financially we need to, after i have my degree) we tentatively plan to have justin go through a program offered by the reserves that will take him back into the Active Navy as a career recruiter! PERFECT!!!! limited cruises, and more options as far as duty stations! He would spend the rest of his military career as a recruiter, which is more of a 9 to 5 type of job. Home almost every night, and the possibility of being stationed somewhere OTHER than the coast! AMAZING!!!! But the next 4 years or so could get interesting... financially. But i have peace that God will lead and provide.

Justin and i on the ship May 1st, 2010


* I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR THE YEAR!!!! WOOT! Done with all the Gen. Eds. and moving on to Central College next fall! I can't wait!!!! i'm also excited for SUMMER... just spending time with my son, going swimming, and reading, and grilling out and JUSTIN COMING HOME IN JULY! YAY!

*i am looking for another part-time job... "good luck!", yeah i know. :S but the place i'm working now is just not working out real well. I plan to stay there and continue working Fridays, but i need something PART TIME, like go in at 2pm and close, or go in at 8am and am off by 2pm or 4pm. With no spouse to back me up, and with a family that has just about killed themselves through the school year helping me... i need something with shorter days than 8am to 8pm. ridiculous. Plus, they seem to try their best to make me feel guilty about taking time off. ok... i've requested 4 DAYS OFF IN THE LAST 7 MONTHS. and all those days were to be with my husband either right after he came home from a 9 month deployment, or to go out and go on his ship's Family Day Cruise. I've missed family things. I HAVE left work only, but ONLY when i'm told i can. I've not gone in on scheduled days, but only after getting a call from my boss telling me not to because of the small amount of appointments. :S and then she's griping. i don't like it... and it's not working out. They all (my boss and the other photographers) have husbands there every day or the money for childcare, OR no kids at all. So i don't know. :S

* Nathaniel is TWO YEARS OLD!? when did that happen??? I'm the mom of a 2 year old??? ugh... i feel old. ;) looking forward to giving him a baby brother or baby sister though. We'll seeeeeeee... :) Won't really start trying til August or September because we're trying to kinda schedule it around school... but we're excited.

Nate and Daddy going down the slide at the park while justin was home on leave...


SO theres all our news...

Never gets easier...

Justin's visit has come and gone... i didn't upload pictures, reply to emails, or even take time to blog while he was here... he actually stayed an extra 18 days than what i thought... talk about a surprise! it was AMAZING! we made many great memories! priceless time as a family and together... memories i'll share in the coming days.

but today we had to say goodbye again. i don't know why, but it was even harder than last time. maybe because it just felt like the time together just hadn't quite balanced out with the time apart this past year.

friday was horrible... my last full day with him, i had to work a full day. We'd planned on having a grill out with his family at our house and then putting up a swing set for nathaniel that i would pick up after work, thinking i'd be off plenty before 7pm. Well, i wasn't, and in my opinion, i very well could have been. My coworker made me stay all through our last session (which was at 6pm and only a 2 week old, so could have been handled alone with the 2 parents and her- all i did was fluff the blankets), and then made me sell the session... meaning i sat with the parents while they looked at all the pictures, debated, asked questions, and figured out what they wanted to order. I told justin to go ahead and eat by 7pm. Well, this session took longer than it should have anyways, because the baby was cranky. VERY cranky... so we sat and waited through 2 feedings, and a diaper change. So it was after 8pm before i left the studio. I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up the swing set, only to walk out empty-handed and teary-eyed. The swing set was WAY too big to fit in my car. So i called my mom, bawling... venting about my work, and whining about the swing set. She and my grandpa agreed to go pick up the swing set and bring it over so justin and i could still put it up. I hurried home, crying, angry beyond words. I got home to a FILTHY kitchen, cold food, and people getting ready to leave... i missed the whole thing. so around 9pm, when i was sitting down to eat, everyone was leaving. My mom and grandpa brought over the swing set, and justin and i were out putting that up until 12midnight, easily. Not the night we'd hoped for.

Saturday was a rush of laundry and packing. it sucked. packing up his sea bag, emptying the house of his things... it's like slowly tearing a huge bandage off... starting slowly. idk... it hurts. We were running late (whats new?) so it was all a rushed goodbye. we got a few pictures, a couple very quick kisses, lots of choked-back tears... and a final wave... and he was gone. Nathaniel and i were able to go all the way to the gate with a special pass for military family members, so we stood in the terminal and watched his plane taxi, and take off... i could see justin in his seat, with his hand pressed to the window... mirroring mine. Nathaniel and i watched him until we couldn't see him anymore... nathaniel saying over and over "Where'd daddy go?" and "Bye, daddy!", and blowing kisses... how it breaks my heart.

we must be sick to choose this... sick and addicted to pain or something. because it never gets easy... sometimes i think it just gets harder. We still don't know if we're staying in or getting out... it all depends on if theres a chance he'll get a recruiting position. we just don't know. the reason i know i'm sick in the head is because i HOPE he gets a recruiting position and we can stay in! it would just be nice to have a little more time with this secure job while i finish school... and we save a bit more money.

i miss him though... our bed feels so big without him to share it with him... i just ache to have him here.

2 days & a "wake up"...

i can barely believe that we're actually this close! i've been on edge for the past week... just a ball of anxiousness and excitement and nerves! I've finished the man cave, finished the bed room make over, moved justin's old car into our own garage, hung curtains all through the house, brought in a few hand-me-down pieces of furniture from family... and in these last few days, am cleaning from top to bottom! I'm really excited to finally be able to show him our home! and just really talk with him!

i know that through this deployment, the dynamics of our marriage will have changed. I'm nervous about discovering these changes. I feel sure that we'll make it through this transition, but i'm fearful of what exactly will have changed. I don't think Justin is nervous at all though... lol He's just excited! i'm glad that he's so excited... it's refreshing after his emotional silence... during some of the harder months, he seemed to shut down... it's like, if he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. It was a mixture for me... like, sometimes it helped to think about him as much as i could. but then other times, it was like torture.

but now i don't have to worry about it... only a couple more days until i am with him again... and even though it'll only be for 11 days, it's better than nothing. I can't wait... and i am so anxious to just be with him again. *sigh* 2 days... and roughly 5 hours. :) I can't wait!!!!!

17 days...

i'm in the most bitter mood EVER. Woke up to a text from Justin letting me know that he won't be able to stay long enough to be home from Easter. I'm very disappointed... Easter is a huge Holiday for my family, and i'm just sick and tired of going to special family gatherings alone, and of justin missing out on such precious moments in nathaniel's life. This will be his 2nd Easter away from us... also the 2nd Mother's Day. Then, as i laid in bed fuming about the fact he won't even be home a full 2 weeks (only 11 days) i realized that in June, we'll have only been together 11 days out of that last year. and only 21 days out of that last 15 months. it's not ok... he's missed EVERY SINGLE holiday and special day... and like i said, some holidays twice. it's NOT ok that he's missed Nathaniel hunting for Easter eggs two years in a row, that he's missed Christmas, and our Ann. it's NOT OK.

and then... it happened. It always happens. and i think it happens to every military family. The inevitable future goodbye's haunting.

Justin's not even home, and i'm already thinking of the next time we'll have to say goodbye. The next "last night" together. The next time i have to drive him to the airport. The next time i'll have to watch him walk away from me. I hate that... but i can't help it. It's inevitable. It's that thought thats in the back of your head his entire time home saying... "You only have 11 days with him...", "You only have another week with him...", "You only have 3 more days with him...", "You have to say goodbye again tomorrow...". I mean, you BARELY get used to being with them again, sharing responsibilities, and having them there to talk to... and you're turning around to say goodbye again! what must it do to Nathaniel's little heart and mind? i mean, it TEARS ME UP... but at least i understand why... poor nathaniel doesn't understand at all. The only comfort i can take in this goodbye is that it is the last... no more on the horizon, at least for now. Also, we'll be able to talk on the phone just about any time we want... for however long we want... about anything we want...

it's comforting... but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow those numbers... 11 days in a year...

11 days is just not enough...

*22 days*

sigh... i LOVE how small that number is! especially after a night like last night... was up SICK as all get out. It started when i was over at my grandma and grandpa's house, i felt my stomach a'churning. :S i was walking nathaniel to the car across the street when it really hit... ugh. scared poor nathaniel to death! i was able to pull myself together to drive us home, but soon felt my stomach gurgling again, so called my mom and asked her to come get nathaniel. I don't know what i'd do without her... she's really been there to help me through this time while justin's been gone. but she took him home with her so i was able to battle this bug... ugh. it sucked. i HATED being alone... you see, when i'm sick, i want to be babied. lol nathaniel has even learned this... he'll get extra cuddly when i'm in a certain mood, or sick. But i knew it was best that he not be around. but trust me... i sent plenty of whiny emails to justin. Anyways... this morning i am feeling much better. i'm munching on dry cereal, and looking forward to a pretty good day.

Meeting with some friends from out of town for lunch, then going with my husband's best friend and his girlfriend to DesMoines for a little shopping and a trip to Chucky Cheese. Nathaniel's first! :) I think he'll like it. :)

anyways... i'm gonna try to get up and around and get some things done... maybe the house picked up a bit, and a load of laundry done. might as well while i'm feeling decent and nathaniel isn't here to drag it all out right away. ;)

41 days...

so i recently read a book called "Standing By", it was written by a Navy Pilot's wife while her husband was on an IA (Individual Assignment) and away from home for about 6 months. I felt like i was reading MY story in a lot of ways, not EVERY way, but in a lot of ways. The mix of pride and unbearable loneliness, the adoration and the rage felt all in the same breath for the military, and the complete fear yet anxiousness that rises in the pit of our stomachs as the homecoming nears.

today... it's more the loneliness, rage, and anxiousness.

Justin is in port in Malaysia right now... and we were able to chat and webcam this morning.

1.) MY computer won't read anything that i try to plug into the USB port... meaning a webcam. SO i had to download skype and install my webcam's hardware unto my sister's computer, and get it connected to our internet (which wasn't easy because we have a security-ensured connection) to get it all working. so that took a good hour.

2.) i looked less than glamorous because i woke up and jumped right onto the computer! my whole extra 20lbs was showing, plus no makeup... awesome.

3.) and then when i FINALLY got to see and talk to my husband.... we had NOTHING to talk about except our son. and i'm sorry, but thats not enough for me. i LOVE my son... adore him! but right now, i am in desperate need of some serious connection with my husband... some serious communication. But justin isn't the best at expressing himself through words. Never has been. But when we're face to face, it works out ok... he SHOWS me love in many ways, he doesn't have to use words. But when we've got 1000's of miles between us, words are all we've got. So... this morning... we basically just sat and looked at each other and said the same things over and over again... "I love you.", "I miss you.", "I can't wait to be home.", "This is so hard without you here." or watched nathaniel play, or point to his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth while saying their names. It was great family time... AMAZING family time, really. But... gosh i need some husband and wife time. and i'm not just talking about sex... i just need my partner, i need my other half, i need to sit and watch a movie with him, i need to hold his hand, i need to make dinner with him, i need to give him a kiss, and i need a hug from HIM! ugh.

and i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of having a pout-fest. ugh! can this PLEASE JUST BE OVER!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

ok, getting off my blog and gonna drown my sorrows in Mountain Dew and Oreo Balls. then i'll go to the gym and work them off after class. yep. sounds like a plan.

one of those nights...

Nathaniel is sick... runny nose, temp, cough, and fighting sleep. I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow... but if nathaniel is still sick like this, i won't be... which i hate, and honestly makes me nervous. He's cuddled up beside me, fiddling with my hair, just starting to snore.

it's typical nights like this where i could really use my partner... for both nathaniel and i. Justin's always been really good at this parenting thing... and since he's been gone, i kinda feel like i'm grasping at straws... and running around in a blindfold. I feel like my child's whole self is in my hands... freaks me out completely. Justin was always strong... he could let nathaniel cry himself to sleep, and not cry along with him from the next room. He could demand nathaniel's attention using only his voice... nathaniel seems to just blow me off most of the time. and justin was always so sensible when nathaniel got sick...

i remember one time when nathaniel was only months old, when he had a runny nose, and started gagging on the drainage going down his throat... i was thankfully right there, but i was basically worthless because i freaked out... i started yelling for justin, i grabbed nathaniel out of his crib, and started trying to suck his throat clear with that stupid sucking thing you use for their nose... i tried patting his back, with him laying on his tummy... but i was hystarical... nathaniel kept gagging, and gasping for little breaths and making the kind of face you only see in horror movies... his eyes were wide, and his tiny mouth in a great big "O"... i just kept thinking i was gonna lose him... that i was a horrible mom... that my baby wasn't gonna make it through even the smallest of colds! But justin walked in and seemed so calm... he gently took nathaniel and just rubbed his back, while he held nathaniel on his tummy in his arms... and he just kept telling me to calm down... that he was ok... and that he just needed to learn to breath through both his nose and mouth... which did seem like what was going on, so i tried to calm down. Nathaniel soon started breathing evenly, and quietly... and so i held him, and rocked him for awhile, while i gained the confidence to lay nathaniel back down and go to bed. Once i had, justin was so sweet as i expressed the fear and panic that had overcome me... something i'd NEVER experienced before... and he was patient, and understanding and just held me... amazing, pretty much.

at the end of long days... or during these long nights... i just wish i could soak up a little strength from his hug... or even just an understanding look as i sit across the room trying to hold nathaniel still long enough for him to fall asleep...

i miss him in so many ways... i am living one day at a time til his return... *sigh* 45 days.

46 days...

it's a gorgeous day outside... the sun is out. I makes me anxious for spring... for warm, sunny days at the park... and for going barefoot outside.

we have 46 days til justin is home... well, visits. He'll be here for 2 weeks, then will have to go back to Virginia for a few months, until his contract is up. and we've been apart for 220 days. WOW. :S

We're SO CLOSE though... i can feel it! Justin's currently in Thailand, but they'll be leaving there, and pulling into Malaysia soon. I'm excited for Malaysia mainly because all the guys get their one and only overnight liberty, and justin and a couple other guys have planned on renting a hotel room together to use the high speed internet! HAHAHA! The high speed internet on base is just about worthless, and they have VERY limited access on the ship... so all these married guys have decided to do this so that they can all chat and skype with their wives/kids back home without it disconnecting them or having a time limit. AWESOME! justin and i haven't seen each other for MONTHS. I can't wait for justin to see Nathaniel. I am just praying the internet is GOOD, and it won't be kicking justin off every 2 minutes. :P After Malaysia i think they have one other port, then HOME! March 21st they'll be docking in Washington, and he'll be on a plane that night, flying all night, and landing in DesMoines, IA at 7:30am on March 22nd... the day after Nathaniel's birthday. *sigh* The only bad thing is that i'll still have to go to school while justin is here... i'll most likely skip the first week, maybe... but i don't want to fall behind, so we'll have to see. :S

Once he goes back to VA, it's all down hill from there... he'll be able to call every day, we'll be in the same general time-zone (only an hours difference), he'll be able to go over to a friend's house and use their high speed any night he wants- so we can web-cam and skype all the time... it'll be so much easier to communicate. and we'll only have about 3 months until he MOVES home!

i still feel like i'm in marathon mode though... toward the end, the pain is burning in my chest, and legs... but i just put my head down and push... one step at a time. i can't afford to stop, or hesitate, or even look around... i just have to push...

after he moves home... it's completely unknown.

a prayer...

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:5-7

"O God, you are my God, earnestly i seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as i life, and in your name i will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed i remember ou; i think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalms 63:1-7

i'm having to daily remind myself who the "King of Confusion" is lately... my emotions are a complete mix of everything... pride, resentment, eagerness, fear, passion, numbness, longing, and passive flippancy. But You, O God, bring only truth... i pray that you pour it on me... bathe me in your will. Enable me to feel your gentle tugs like full out kicks in the rear... and give me strength, and assurance in each step on the path You've marked. God, i am so fearful of what i've done, our current status, and where we are to go from here... and that my husband is not calling to you. Father, i cling to You... for you are the only thing that goes unchanged... you are the only forve in my life that is constant... in love, and in longing for my absolute happiness.

which way, God?

one way... i sacrifice time with my husband, who already feels so far from me. I don't trust him, i admit it. or do i just not trust YOU with him? I hurt my parents... i walk away from everything i've worked so hard to build, thinking this would be HOME. resentment builds... more nights alone, more meals for 2 and not 3 as it should be, more lonely holidays, more time of exhaustion... on a volunteer basis. Does he even want to be here? moving in about a year and a half to who knows where... adventure, resentful family... missing out on family stuff... financial security.

way two... he'll resent me, so much uncertainty. possibly financial instability, dead end? but at least we'll be together and home... but if home is a card-board box, filled to the brim with resentment... what good is being together? He won't be happy...

God... i cry to you... lead me! give my family understanding... give my husband a hunger for relationship with you... give me peace in a direction... i'm torn... it feels like it's either his happiness or mine... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??????!





"praise God from whom all blessings flow... praise Him, all creatures, here below... praise Him above, ye heav'nly host... praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost... Amen..."

on the downhill slope...

and so glad for it!!! we're kinda in the home stretch as far as this deployment. I haven't blogged near as much as i planned, but if i had, i fear it would have been terribly depressing. :S

Justin has made it to Taiwan, Singapore, and Dubai twice... he has about 3 more months left out to sea, but we like to think of it as around 12 weeks. :) it sounds a whole lot better! lol I think he has enjoyed his time out there, but i know he in anxious to get home. I don't think being out to sea was all it was hyped up to be... HA! my prayers were answered! lol He is going to be pulling into SanDiego, CA on March 26th, 5 days after our son's birthday. I had daydreamed up this big plan of flying out to California to surpise him by standing there on the dock waiting for him, and then flying back to IA with him. BUT... after a few car expenses, it was gonna cost some $$$$ that we didn't have... SO, gonna have to settle for a reunion whenever he can get here to Iowa. Which is fine... just whenever he gets here!!!!

Nathaniel is still very much aware of who his daddy is... well, at least what he looks like. He can pick Justin out of every picture... cheerfully exclaiming "DADDY!" :) warms my heart, and i pray that the constant reflection of photos with him has really made a difference and will make the reunion easier. I pray that nathaniel isn't scared of justin, or that he shys away from justin. i know it would break justin's heart. I pray that because of Nathaniel's age, he won't really grasp the entire situation, and that he will welcome daddy back into his daily routine with open arms.

meanwhile, i am facing almost the same fears with MYSELF. during this separation, i have been forced to really become self-reliant... and independent... and honestly, quite reserved when it comes to justin and i's relationship. our deep love, appreciation and connection is still there and growing... but when you constantly have to say goodbye, you can't help but build this wall that you throw up when those words are uttered so that you can move past it. it is so easy to allow that darkness to seep in and cloud your vision of the big picture... of the fact that even though time IS passing, it is dragging it's pretty little hiney... and laughing at you all the way, it seems. it's easy to just mope, and dwell in those last memories that you have of being wrapped up in his hug, and feel sorry for yourself, and imagine if he were here... *sigh* It's something you can't afford to do. Something you HAVE to do though is keep daydreaming about that reunion... and thats what i'm doing, everyday, all day. But it's after that initial reunion that is making me a bit nervous, and where my fears are stemming from. It's going to be a hard transition i think... i've created this home, all on my own... not that i don't WANT him involved, but he just hasn't been thus far, and to incorporate him into our daily lives again will be hard. Like, instead of spending so much time with my mom, i'll be with my husband... which might complicate my mom and i's relationship. or having to actually clue him in on my daily schedule, and *gasp* ask him if doing something that night is ok?!?! imagine the thought!

i mean, i'm old fashioned... and it's going to be weird and hard handing over the authority and "head-of-household" back over to my husband... not that i enjoy having it, because honestly, it stresses me out, BUT i've had to... and it's going to be a test of our relationship to go back to the way it was, and should be.

But i'm ready for it... SO ready for it... i miss the companionship, and the affection, and the partnership that comes with having him in our home again. He won't really get that daily "team" relationship til June, but March marks the last leg of this awful race... i cannot wait!