are we there yet?

sometimes i feel like i'm in the bottom of this deep, dark hole... and i'm looking up, squinting, and i can only BARELY see the light at the top. Proof theres a way out... but, still a long ways away... and i can't help but think... "I'll never make it..."

i'll start to climb... bruises, scrapes, dirt, sweat, tears... i get tired, and the weight i'm hauling gets so heavy i think i'll fall, and it makes my entire body, clear down to my heart, ache... and i look around me after what seems like a lifetime of crawling up the side of this dirty, wet, and lonely hole... and everything looks the same, and i am sure i have gotten nowhere. Sometimes, someone will walk by... and toss down a word of encouragement, and maybe even a rope to help... but before i ever get even CLOSE to the top... to my escape... they are called away, or have their own life to live... but even still, they realistically can't pull me ALL the way... i have to make it on my own...

i cry... i panic... i try to catch my breath... and i keep going... and i know that eventually, inch my inch... minute by minute... i'll get there... out to the fresh air, where i can breath again, and feel the warmth of the sun...

and every now and then i'll look up and see the sky... and i'll gain strength from it to keep going awhile longer... but then i get weak, and lonely... and i'll lose a little hope when i look up, and the end still seems so far away...

i just so desperately want to get out of this hole...



*just needed to vent...

UGGGGGGGGGGGG boots... ;)

So, i love these boots... awsome for those cold days in winter... they keep your toes nice a toasty! And im' totally pumped about having the chance to WIN a pair!!! YAY!



all you need to do is either click the above logo, or HEEEEEEEERE and you can enter to win by completing the two simple steps! :) Good luck to all!!!

*My husband Rocks*

One thing i value in my husband is his ability to make me really laugh... not that polite, "I can't believe i'm married to this dork." laugh. He makes me laugh with joy... with love... and with appreciation. When we're discussing something, rather passionatly, he can give me a look... or say something that he MEANS as serious... and all my defenses with evaporate, and i laugh... which, for us, leads to real, calm, talking. I love that... i love that we make each other laugh through our trials... and even when he's 1000s of miles away... out in the middle of the ocean... he makes me laugh with a single look...

yep, i'm way in love with this dork. <3

POOR ME! :P

Justin made it to the airport and into the air ok today... it was really messy actually, but they made it. First they're plane got delayed, then it got changed to a later flight, then that wasn't good enough, so they changed AIRPORTS!!!!! They finally got into the air at about 12noon i think. They are well on there way to California, where they will be taken to the USS Nimitz and leave on Friday.

I've been kind of a mess all day... i don't want to DO anything... i just want to lay around and miss him and daydream of him and envision our reunion. I already can't wait! i just can't seem to wrap my mind around the things he'll miss... Christmas... our Wedding Ann....without my husband? it's just not right... and no matter what my family does to fill the void... or how many "Girl Nights" i fill my schedule with... it won't fix it... it won't make the ache go away...

unless you're a military spouse... or have spent MONTHS away from your husband... you can't begin to understand what THIS is... i feel like 1/2 my brain is gone, i can't even think straight. Everything is missing SOMETHING... in a room FULL of fun, and loving people i still feel like i am standing alone... looking around for what is missing... but i know what is missing. And nights are just endless... i can't sleep unless i'm EXHAUSTED... and even when i have the whole bed to myself... i fill it with pillows, or bring Nathaniel into my bed just to fill it. I think about him... about being with him... having him curled up beside me... and it feels like the pillows and blankets and baby still can't fill his spot. And i know they really can't... i was just hoping something would.

i promise not to let my blog become a "POOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" blog... but i AM gonna have my days... and nights where i just need to wallow and talk it out. I do journal... so that will help.

But right now... i miss him... and i'm lonely... and it's really not gonna feel any better til he is HOME and we don't have to say goodbye anymore.

no goodbyes... not even any impending goodbyes to worry about... it hardly seems like a reality. Maybe someday... maybe a year... maybe 25 years til that someday arrives... but someday.

dread...

thats what i'm filled with... i am DREADING friday, when Justin is scheduled to pull out of San Diego, CA. He is anxious and excited i think... though he doesn't say so to ME because he knows how sick i am about it... just THINKING about it makes me tear up. I don't want to think about it. 6 months... no phone calls... no web cam... no pictures from him.. not even the option of making a trip out to be with him... and only HOPING for an email daily. He'll miss so much... my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our 3 year Anniversary. And i'll miss HIS birthday... having him here for family events... getting to spoil him rotten for our Ann. *sigh* i hate this...

I can't deny that i'm jealous... all the amazing places he'll go... ugh.

BUT i'm trying to really focus on where I'M going!!!! I'm am WAY excited that i have Central College to look forward to. And justin, after studying up on the details of the GI Bill, plans on also attending Central once he comes home for good. I can just imagine us both graduating from Central College... caps... gowns... celebrations... FINALLY graduating college... a goal i feel like i've been fighting to reach for years already... and really, i still have 4 years ahead of me. But i'm SO excited! and i feel like i have some amazing direction from some people at Central College. :) SO i'm focusing on that.

i just hate going alone... it's gonna be hard... working my way through college, being a mom, making good grades (in hopes of getting more financial help)... BUT, i can do it. :) i have to!

just feeling excited!

So i've been feeling pretty lost lately concerning my education and where my life was headed... i've pretty much put my schooling on hold for the past 3 years, taking what classes i would WHEN i could... just trying to figure out how i could make it to my goal of graduating. I felt like i was fighting to swim up stream... against the current.

But today i went to talk to a professor from Central College... where i dream of eventually graduating from... when i get discouraged, i seriously picture myself in my cap, gown, and holding a diploma... standing on the Central green... taking pictures of me with my degree. I talked to the professor about what i need to do to get to Central... and what classes i need to get done at Indian Hills Comm. College before transferring to Central College. I always felt like everyone i talked to never gave me straight answers... never broke it down for me... never directed me in the right direction... always gave me wishy-washy answers concerning my education. But as i sat with her... i told her what i loved, what i'm good at, what i want to do, and what i know i shouldn't do... what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are... and she gave me straight up, honest answers... and broke down every class i should and should not take, what i can do, and what i can't. She actually made a LIST of the classes i need to have before i get to Central, and what classes i can take there. She told me that the whole Administrative Assistant, though i good idea if i wanted to maybe use that later on... would not benefit me all that much... and she suggested i not waste my time, focus, energy, and money on it. She gave me names and phone numbers of people who will continue to help me reach my goal... and told me straight up what she thinks i should major in. English. :) i love it. i feel encouraged and validated. *sigh*

i feel so amazing... i feel like i might actually make it to graduation day. It's gonna be a heavy class load... a lot of work... a lot of money (Central is not cheap)... and almost 4 years. but i feel like i might actually make it. I talked to Justin... and told him what it's gonna take, as far as time and classes... and he was SO supportive... 100%... i told him that it might take him giving up the military until i finish school... or at least trying to get orders to HERE... and he said that we would do what we need to make it happen.

i am so excited... i am thrilled... i feel like i finally know where i'm going... i love it. :)

i have 4 less teeth... and it SUCKS.

ugh... so wed. i had my wisdom teeth out... and i have to be honest, i was more freaked out about having this little surgery done than being induced to have a child! I was VERY thankful for the anti-anxiety pill they gave me to take before i even came in! i was so relaxed by the time i hit the chair in the office, i hardly noticed them even putting in the IV. So i was a happy girl! :) then i hardly remember anything of afterwards... up til that evening. All i remember is a very sweet nurse asking me to squeeze her hand, and telling my mom that i would be waking soon... well i never REALLY woke up til about 5pm! :S but i vaguely remember having the nurse help me out to the car, and then seeing the couch. then thats about it. hahaha! All i can say is that Hydrocodone is a miracle pill... i love that stuff! best sleep i've got in over a year!!!! But i had to get off that stuff the next day because it's highly addictive. But i'm doing well now... my mom was AMAZING and made sure i ate, slept, and that Nathaniel was cared for... which was the biggest thing. I'm back at my apartment for the first night tonight though... and my jaw is still extremely sore and stiff, i'm guessing from how far they had it open for the surgery. :S but i'm healing well so far, and i'm trying really hard to do everything i can to NOT get dry sockets. eek...

other than that, i'm getting ready to be in a wedding next weekend... all the bridal showers are over, and the bachelorette party is done... WHAT A RELIEF! AND i'm getting ready for my trip out to see Justin! only 8 days!!!!! it's bitter-sweet because i know that this will be the last time that i'll see him til January of 2010. wow... sounds even worse when you put the YEAR with it. *sigh* but i think that he's gonna take some leave time while i'm there... just so he won't be at work 1/2 the time i'm there. We're hoping to go to Water Country, a large water park out there... i know that nathaniel will LOVE it, and I'LL love watching Nathaniel and Justin playing together! :) oh gosh, i can't wait. Justin and i also hope to spend a lot of time just the two of us... we hope to go out dancing (because thats something i've wanted to get justin to do FOREVER... he insists he can't dance :P), and we hope to go to King's Dominion, a theme park. We would take Nathaniel with us, but we're big rollar-coaster nuts... so we really want to be able to do that... but maybe we'll try to talk a friend to go with us who wouldn't mind chilling with Nathaniel while we ride those rides. :) I'm very excited just to be with him... vegging out on the couch, watching movies, cooking for him, welcoming him back from a day at work and cuddling with nathaniel. :)

we are very close to buying a house... but are kind of back-tracking now because we're re-thinking the type of loan we're gonna use. We may go with a local bank and use a regular loan, rather than go with a military credit union and use a VA Loan. :S doesn't seem TO ME that we gain much by going the military route, and we get a whole lot more financial assistance going locally.

anyways... thats about it. :) anxious for the wedding, and even more anxious for sunday, when i fly to VA... and EVEN MORE anxious for next monday... when i get to hug and kiss and love on my amazing sailor. :)

update...

well, recent events call for an update i believe.

Justin is still in Virginia, and has been out to sea for the past 2 weeks, and still has another 2 weeks out. He is doing well, and is excited about some recent news that IIIII am not so thrilled about... He will be going out on a real cruise come July. So from July to January, he'll be living on the USS Nimitz, and will be visiting Japan, Singapore, Australia, maybe Dubai... and maybe a few other places. i am trying to be excited for him... this is what he's been waiting for, and what he's been trained for and working toward. What an awesome adventure for him! what amazing memories! but i guess i have to admit that i'm kind of jealous... i want to travel too! but more than that... it just sucks. This means our honeymoon is canceled, this means he'll be gone for his and i's birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, AND our Anniversary. *bitter* i was really disappointed about Disney being canceled... that was kind of my "light at the end of the tunnel"... but now he gets to go off on his big adventure and travel... and i get to cancel our honeymoon to Disney. i am bitter... and sad... and upset. I am praying that i don't become resentful, but it's hard... really hard... and i might whine about it in a later post. *sigh*

We still haven't bought a house... but we are very close! like... we'll most likely be making an offer this friday. :) we have one house that i'm thinking about taking a look at, but if i don't like it right off the bat... i'll move on and make an offer. :)

i'm gonna be leading music for VBS at my church next week. :S i'm nervous about it!!!!! lots of people counting on me...

my wisdom teeth have been giving me LOTS of problems... and i wasn't supposed to have them out until July 1st, but thankfully i was able to get in on a canceled appointment for THIS wednesday! :) i never thought i'd be excited about having surgery! lol

I'm working out like crazy still... and i'm tanning... and i have a hair appointment this coming friday. :) my self-makeover is almost complete. I'm LOVING having a little color... and though the scale doesn't show much of a difference, i'm toning up A LOT... and i've got a few hair cuts i'm excited to try. I know i'm going blonder though!

Nathaniel is doing well... he LOVES nice weather and being outside! we are looking forward to flying out to Virginia and having fun... we're planning on staying at a hotel at least one night, going to a water-park with nathaniel, and then an amusement park just the two of us! i can't wait to see justin play in the pool with Nathaniel. :) Nathaniel now has 6 teeth... poor little boy, they were difficult ones coming in! :(

but things are ok... moving right along... *sigh*

**My Husband ROCKS!**

so being 1000 miles away from each other, the communication is tested. And justin doesn't exactly wear his heart on his sleeve, so it's even more challenging. Plus, i'll admit it... i'm dang needy! lol So when i don't hear him whining that he misses me, or when he seems to be having a blast just hanging out with the guys... i get, whiny myself! But this week, Justin and i got into a conversation, and through ONE text, i saw his heart... and how much he DOES miss me! it meant so much that for a split second justin let down his shield and let me see inside. I value vulnerability... and when he told me how much he missed me, it let me know i wasn't alone. :)



i really do think my hubby rocks... <3

whats up?

oh boy! everything has been a whirlwind the past week or so! We've still been searching for a home, and i think we've come to a place where we've got it narrowed down to 2 houses... one thats move in ready, the other that we would have to update and put our own mark on. I think we're gonna pick #2 because we think the re-sell value will be more, and the bedrooms are bigger. and i'm just in LOVE with the character of the home! ;) There are some major perks to the 1st house, that i hate walking away from... the yard (big!), NICE updated kitchen, all one level, finished basement... ugh. BUT... i don't know. BUT, we're making a choice between the two houses, then we're gonna make an offer. :D CRAZY! i can't believe we're gonna buy a house!!!! WOW! :D

other than that, i've been working out like nuts, and have tanned a few times. :) I haven't lost ANY weight... but i see a change in my body because i'm toning up! :) i love it! and i love working out... i ran a mile in great time (for me) the other day, so i am PUMPED. :)

i have a job interview today at a local restaurant. I hope i get the job... but i am afraid i won't because i'll need so much time off through the summer, and i won't work sundays. :S BUT i figure God will work it out that thats exactly what they need if i'm meant to have that job. :)

started a weekly bible study with a group of my girlfriends... so i've been having a lot of fun with that.

Nathaniel is good... teething still, so he's not the happiest camper. but he's growing and loving being with our family. :)

but thats the update!

got me thinking...

ran across a blog... this young lady of 18 was talking about the touchy subject of female submission in the church and in the home. And i realized, as i read her blog... that it IS a touchy subject! i found myself wanting to correct, educate, and defend a more... "relaxed" version of that same "rule". See, i believe that women shouldn't be HEAD pastors... but i firmly believe that when talking about YOUTH pastors, or leaders working closely with CHILDREN, women should undoubtedly be involved... as a partner, or main leader for smaller children for sure. I DO NOT want a female president for this country... God made men to lead in a way women cannot. period.

but in a marriage, where the man and woman are SO close, and SO intimate... the lines become muddy, and complicated. See, Justin and i may have it backwards... but right for us. I'm the more spiritually mature... i was brought up in the church, accepted Christ at 3, then rededicated at about 15, i've had my valleys, and my mountain tops, i talk with God everyday, and am active in the church. Justin was brought up in and out of the Catholic church, accepted Christ in 2005, leaned on God heavily through Navy bootcamp, but since then been complacent (being in the military makes a day-in-day-out LIVING faith, really hard! :( )... so in our home, i am the spiritual leader... but i pray for my husband's spiritual health, i pray fervantly for my husband to become a man of God and our home's leader. We discuss, and share our thoughts about things in the Bible, about God in our lives, and i see Justin growing... maybe not as drastically, or quickly as i'd like... but he is coming to understand the part that God wants to play in our everyday life! That is great to me!

Then i see a extreme of submission... where every penny is overseen, every plan is approved, outfits ok'ed... and... i get REALLY defensive and my inner feminist comes out. I mean, i ask justin if we can afford certain things... i try to make him feel included in all my plans, but in our situation, i can't run my daily schedule by him hardly at all. I tell him after the fact!... i don't dress slutty, i ask if he likes what i'm wearing, but come on, i'm not a doll, and i need clothes, man! i'm not waiting around for you to feel generous to just give me the privaledge of buying new underwear! my gosh. lol And then... i see husbands being demanding, pouty, unappreciative, and whiney! UGH! if you're gonna submit to a man... submit to a MAN... not a little boy who stomps his feet and blows you off when you break your back trying to be exactly what he wants! Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't do that.

I don't know... i've had this brewing. I see sweet girlfriends, striving to be Godly wives... then all they get is a pat on the head as hubby walks by. >:( grrrrrrr... i mean, marriage is a partnership, a team effort, a mutual love and respect. Your husband is meant to be adored, as well as respected... but isn't respect earned to some extent????? A wife is meant to be cherished and nutured. And encouragement, consideration, fairness, faithfulness, honesty, and patience is naturally meant to be given to both!!!! IT'S A TWO WAY STREET!

i love the way my husband and i work... he is faithful, encouraging, strong, wise... i adore him and respect him beyond words. But i also know that he trusts me to make good descisions too... that he trusts that i have a brain, that i have good, spirit-led, judgement... that he loves me, respects me as a woman, and wants to make me happy. I adore him, and respect him... but he doesn't have to stomp around pouting to get it, or demanding it... he is a GOOD husband, and earns my trust, my adoration, and my respenct. and i strive to serve him... and let him know what an amazing man i think he is. I want him to know that i think he's SO smart financially... so i run all our spending by him, but not cuz he'll stomp around if i DON'T... because i feel better if i do.

i don't know... maybe i'm just a silly, nieve, only-2-years-into-marriage, honeymooner... but i love God, a lot, and i feel like God is blessing the way we're going... and i get defensive. lol SO... thats my blog.

this ends my rant.

Ashley's Giveaway!!!!!

So my friend ashley has been doing card giveaways on and off for awhile now... well NOW she's giving away more of a craft! SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! check out her blog! at Jaded Mission! hope you enjoy... but don't hope you win! ;) i have my fingers crossed for this one! ;)

*My Husband Rocks*

So... living 1000 miles away from each other makes things a little hard to do... but Justin has found small, out-of-the-norm ways to make me smile, and feel loved. One way that always makes me smile is justin will always send me random texts throughout the day saying things like



"I love you."
or
"I miss you."


Just to let me know that he's thinking of me...which is always nice. He also always texts me first thing in the morning. I look forward to the simple texts every morning...


"Good morning... i love you."


Still doesn't compare to the daily morning kiss before he dashes out the door to work.... but i'll have to do for now. But he never ceases to amaze me with his faithfulness, slow temper, willingness to liten, and consistancy... i daily fall in love with him all over again because of those things. I am truly... TRULY blessed.

insecurity...

i have a problem with insecurity... always have, and most likely will always struggle with it. Sometimes i wonder if i see a completely different person than what everyone else sees... i'm not gonna sit here and list off all my imperfections, because i don't want anyone to tell me "Oh no, hunny... you've got beautiful skin!" or "Oh, anna! You just had a baby! Don't worry about that weight!"... well, i've got comebacks for them all... so i don't want to hear it.

but i'm sick of thinking this way about myself... but i don't know how to fix it... but i know i need to. It's even harder with justin being so far away... and him trying to help and take care of everyone else. Like tonight... he went out with a whole group of people, some guys and some girls... well, as the night was winding down, he gave a few of the girls a ride back to the ship... and though i KNOW nothing was ever even THOUGHT, let alone, DONE... i still hated thinking about any other girl(s) alone in the car with my husband. Am i being that "ball and chain" wife? So we argued about it tonight... and i hate that my personal insecurity is hurting my relationship with my husband.

but what is it... what is it that makes me see myself the way i do? is it just Satan? is it just my personality? is it past hurts and rejections? Why do i seem to have such an extreme case of this mindset?

I daily think that if i was skinnier... or tanner... or had the right hair... i could be happier... feel better. but i think... deep down, i think, maybe not. But i don't know. I think i might be. So i've bought a YMCA membership, and i'm gonna buy tanning minutes... and i'm gonna get high lights in my hair... then maybe i'll feel good.

but really, maybe the bad thing is... i will be happier if i look that way... is that vain? pathetic? lame? fake? materialistic?

or is it just me wanting to feel better about myself... wanting to feel GOOD... feel happy with ME...? what else can i change to make me feel better? Finish my education... thats one, but i'm on my way... coming this fall.

but i guess my biggest fear is that i'll never reach that point where i love what i see in the mirror... the last time i felt that? When i was at school in Orange City, at Northwestern... in theatre... laughing a lot...

but i don't know... these are just my thoughts for the night...

2.5 weeks down...

it's only been about 2 and a half weeks since justin went back to Virginia... and i think it's finally hit. It usually takes a week or 2 for the separation anxiety to really touch me, but it's hit... and is threatening to really knock me off my feet. It seems that Satan knows how to get to me too... in really hard, intimate ways... ways i never saw coming... but isn't that the way he always gets at you.

the loneliness really caves in on me once i'm really alone... like, once my family leaves, things just start popping in my head... i start thinking and missing and pouting.

i guess i just never thought that i would be battling the things i'm battling now... i really just need to dive into the Word, and rest in God's embrace while i wait for my husband to be with me again. But i can tell this is not gonna be as easy, emotionally OR physically, as i thought it would be.

This blog might turn pretty intimate, and serious... we'll just see what comes.

in this together...

well, the move has happened... and justin is back in Virginia... i'm looking for a job... still unpacking... looking for a house... looking forward to august.

For now i am doing ok... the weekend has been busy, so i haven't really had time to sit and THINK about the fact that justin is over 1000 miles away now. and i think thats good for now... because i think if i dwell on it, i'll get depressed. so i want to hurry and get busy with a job and church before the rush and "newness" of Nathaniel and i being home dies down. I went back to my old job today, where i assumed and was assured by family, and other employees at the workplace that i would surely be re-hired because of the fondness i left behind, and since i'd been trained to work in the office rather than just on the floor... but was told that they weren't handing out applications right now, and were expecting college students back for the summer... i was VERY disappointed and slightly shocked. BUT i'm trusting that God has something better for me right now... so i am now applying for other jobs. all i need is part time... so i'm not TOO worried.

also looking for a house... which is proving to be much more frustrating to do by myself than i thought. there are so many things to think of... sq. footage? roof age? siding age? basement? is there leakage? garage? how big? appliances included? neighborhood? eek, SMALL bedroom... DOUBLE eek, a jail-sell style bathroom???? furnace age? central air? why is this ceiling SO low??? whats with the Star Trek decor??? Love the built-ins!!!! fireplace? does is work?? could that wall be knocked out? price???????? annual taxes?????? updates needed? wait... offer... no, wait. :S SO MUCH. and with my dad commenting on EVERYTHING... it's crazy.

the health-care transfer is confusing too... even more frustrating when nathaniel is sick, and i want to take him in, but don't know if i should. Dental is even more unknown... but we got it figured out and i have an appointment next week to hopefully take care of my wisdom teeth. ugh... so hopefully by this time next month, i will be a few teeth less. i don't think i've ever been EXCITED for a dentist appointment... but my stupid teeth have kept me up nights... so i want them OUT.

but things are going ok... this is a new journey... and i think it's gonna be a hard one... more emotionally, than physically... but hard none-the-less. But i'm just praying that the next couple years go fast.

I just really miss justin... things are hard. We don't really talk much... cuz when he' on the ship, he can't get a signal on his cell phone. So that takes about 75% of the day. Then the other 25% of the day i'm usually busy... out somewhere... with other people... just not really able to sit and TALK. So we've set up a phone date on saturday. I'm locking myself in my apartment, ignoring ALL other calls, or texts... and justin and i are gonna talk. :) i might even ditch nathaniel at my mom's. lol But this is what we're gonna have to do for now... til aug, hopefully. :)



anyways... thats the update. I'm now gonna go cuddle up in bed, turn on some TLC (for noise, mostly), and am gonna read my Nora Roberts book.

Goodnight

blog give-away!!!

SO my beautiful, Ashley, has a beautiful talent! God has blessed her with the gift of craftiness! ;) She makes these adorable cards... WELL, lucky for you and i, she has started having Give Aways for them!!!! She's made it possible to add your name 3 TIMES!!!! You can find the info and enter at her blog, Jaded Mission


Enjoy!!!! :D

one week til the end of life as we know it...

*deep sigh* Only one week til i make the big move home... away from my home of 2 years, away from a church i've fallen in love with, away from the military conveniences and away from my husband... we will embark on a brand new adventure... living apart from each other, being faithful through loneliness, loving from a distance, looking ahead to a future together while a 1000 miles apart... and counting on that other person to be doing the same thing, even when you can't lay next to them at the end of the day and see it in their eyes.

i have mixed emotions... i'm scared, nervous, excited... i'm looking forward to going back to school, i'm looking forward to being with family and allowing nathaniel to grow around the small town of Osky... go to the pool, tuli time, the county fair, church stuff...

but it all just seems 1/2 as much fun... because i know that justin won't be there. and i have to wonder if the sensible benefits... finishing school, maybe buying a house, saving money... will be worth it in the long run. But am i just scared? i have a tendancy to get freaked out about big things, and backtrack, waving my hands, saying "no no no no no.... wait a sec... this is too big... too over my head... this is too big for me!" but is it really all about being SMART... maybe we should just be dumb and in love... maybe i should just drop school and stay here and just be with justin... who cares about saving money???? we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! ALL WE NEED IS LOVE... right?

but then again i'm thinking maybe more than the sensible things will come of it... maybe i'll gain some independence... gain some self-esteem once i do things on my own... school, work, bills and such. Maybe justin will gain some appreciation... (not that he's horrible, but he is a man) and maybe he'll just get that need for independence out of his system. He will be gone a lot...

i can't sit here and say i'm 100% sure of us... i'm scared that we'll change beyond recognition... that he'll become this whole other person out there on his ship... with his buddies... with other girls. And maybe i'll become super independent... i'll gain my own worth, my own agenda, my own life... and once he and i come together again... will it work? we'll have to make it work. Will it be hard? will one of us fight it? will he be content living in small town iowa after he's been all over the world? but really... what would it change if i were to stay here? the only thing that would change is that i'll have been along for the ride... going with the flow...

i am so in love with him... and i can feel myself clutching to him, afriad to let go and trust... i've never been good with trust... how can i be sure he'll really come home? and i just keep thinking that if i hold on a little tighter, maybe finally i'll feel secure... i've never been good at letting go.

so pray for us... pray for me... pray that i can let go, and let God...

7 days and counting...

Ashley's Awesome Giveaway!

So ashley has this absolute gift from God for making ADORABLE homemade cards! She has decided to share this gift with us!!!!! She is doing a giveaway... and wants everyone to know about it! Read about it @ http://ashjdrake.blogspot.com/2009/02/first-ever-blog-giveaway.html

My Husband Rocks! *NyQuil*

Oh the perks of marriage... :) i have to say that this week, my Knight in Shining Armor comes with a bottle of NyQuil. I am currently battling my own dragon... a HORRIBLE cold... sneezing, coughing, running nose, puffy eyes, stuffy head... the whole package. Well justin got today off from work... YAY! so he got to sleep in this morning. But the first thing he did this morning was get dressed and go to wal mart and get me medication. I have never loved him more than when he walked through that door with that NyQuil bottle in his hand. Then this afternoon i took my full 2 Tblsp. in hopes of passing out and getting some MUCH needed rest! After i took it, nathaniel was down for a nap too, so justin climbed in bed with me and cuddled with me til i fell asleep. He then made sure that i got a couple hours worth of good sleep... it was AWESOME and i appreciate it so much! :)

the Lord is my rock...

some things have come up in my life that makes me really need to trust and rely on God and His protection... i don't believe a blog is a place to air dirty laundry... but i just wanted to share some bible verses that i'm leaning on right now... and maybe they can help someone else.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall i be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege against me, my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me...

even then will i be confident." Psalms 27:1-3




"God is out refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with the surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; He will help her at break of day." Psalms 46:1-3




"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, i will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge, trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalms 62:5-8




"Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A CORD OF THREE STRANDS IS NOT QUICKLY BROKEN." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12




"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud,. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

a day to praise our God...

Today was GLORIOUS... a wonderful day... one that made it SO easy to thank God for loving us. *sigh*

Justin had to report to the ship this morning and won't be home until tuesday... i am getting used to him coming and going for days at a time... every 10 days he's gone for 2 days, and this past week has been crazy with him being away for a full 24 hours, to 4 days at a time... he is now gone til tuesday, and then he'll leave again on friday morning and be gone until monday... it makes for a VERY long weekend... i usually get shopping done, errands done, and go to the gym to fill the time... plus a WHOLE lot of time on the computer and just playing with my little man.

but today was beautiful... it would have been MORE beautiful if Justin were home, but God did great as far as lifting my spirits. The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was a fresh 70 degrees! As i drove home from church i had my window down and my sun-roof open... the breeze was flowing through my car, my baby was happy and giggling in the backseat, and things were just good. We got our tax returns without any problems and that was a HUGE relief, and that will cover the moving expenses as well as 1/2 my school loan in order to get my transcripts released. My son is fed, clothed, and healthy. My husband and i are in love, hoping and planning for a honeymoon later in the summer and we trust one another to be apart. I love my God... and i feel like i'm headed in the right direction and i feel Him near me.

i took a deep breath and thanked God for the sun and for every blessing... Today was a good day.

My Hubby Rocks... first time i WANTED to kiss him.

Well, i'm missin' my hubby so i'm gonna do ALL the MHR Inspiration Promts! :) He is on the ship this week... he's been gone since Wednesday, won't be home til tomorrow morning, then he has to go BACK Sunday morning and stay til monday or tuesday, THEN they're going OUT to SEA til the NEXT sunday... SO, i will spending Valentines Day with my mini-Valentine, Nathaniel. But anyways... i'm missing my hubby, and just want to talk about him and think about him all i can... :)

1.) "Tell us about some of the things that you and your husband do to just have fun together!"

We love to have a movie night... but we kinda go all out. :) we put nathaniel to bed, rent a movie off this Apple program i think, pop popcorn, light a few candles, and pull out the Hide-a-bed from the couch! :) it's fun... we don't have a real tv in our room... it's TINY, like 5" by 5"... so we prefer the larger TV. It's fun... :) and it's just different, so it's a tad exciting. ;) lol

2.) "Tell the story of a memory about your husband that brings you a smile and a giggle every time you think about it!"

oh my, the story that automatically comes to mind is one from before we were even dating. :) We were flirting around, "friends" that happened to cuddle once in awhile, he'd asked me out many times, but i was playing VERY hard to get and kept saying no. But this one day... one HOT day in April 2006, school had let out early, and me and some girl friends went to lunch and had a big, fun day planned! I got to my car, bouncing around and excited for our day... when my car made this SICK coughing noise! OH NO!!!!! ugh. So i try to call a few friends from school... ya know, car guys. But all of them are either far gone after the early release, or not picking up. *bitter* So i call my good 'ol pal... Justin Schaefer. I describe what it's doing, hoping it's an easy fix i can do myself... cuz i feel funny calling him, cuz i know he likes me, but i'm not in love with him at all (yet), and i honestly didn't want people from my school seeing me with this random, New Sharon, guy... :S But he INSISTS! (surprise, surprise) So he comes to my school. and works on my car, gets it running. :) YAY! Thanks! Bye! Not only am i a snob, but i don't ask him to lunch and just drive off, avoiding telling him about lunch at all! *sigh*gives self dirty look*

so we went to lunch, ate our fill, and i went out to my poor blue lumina and turned the key. it again made that sick, coughing noise, and refused to start! i was so mad! i had places to be! People to see! and justin was already HOME... AND i didn't want him knowing i'd been so rude as to not invite him to lunch. ugh. So we called my friend's boyfriend who worked at a tire shop just down the street... thinking, "oh, he works with tires... he must know about coughing engines too!" No such luck. He got there, opened the hood, stared for a minute or so... and announce, "I have no idea." Thanks. So i swallow my pride and call my friend, Justin Schaefer. I was mad in my head because i didn't want to NEED him, didn't want to give him the satisfaction of coming to my rescue... but i called him, told him what was going on and what it sounded like... thinking he could just tell my friend's bf what to look at. No, he drops everything and drives the 20 minutes to the restaurant to fix my car! how sweet. :P so he's in his jeans, hair all curly and messy, he's got this cut-off t-shirt on so his FINE arms are showing themselves off... i hated to admit it. but i fell in love that day. :) he came to my rescue TWICE, took me being MEAN, showed off his MUSCLES... all with a big smile. So i sat in my car... watching him work on my car, sitting besides my friend and decided... "I want to kiss him." My friend was shocked. IIIII was shocked! and all of a sudden... INCREDIBLY shy. She encourages me, but i laugh and refuse, but hug him, and give him that shy look... and we make plans for that night. :) I always giggle when i think of that day...

3.) and my Valentines idea... i was gonna do an "edible bouquet"... one of those fruit bouquets! BUT... since his schedule is all up in the air, i think i'm gonna go with my plan B. :) ya know those flip-calenders... the ones in businesses and the dentist office? they always have a cartoon, or bible verse or whatever... BUT i'm thinking about making my own... kinda. I think i'll buy one, put pictures over the cartoon/bible verse, and put MY OWN memory, bible verse, or note under the picture. :) i got this idea because i'll be moving home soon... and so to start off his day with US, even though we won't be with him, i'm gonna TRY this... we'll see how it goes. :S

ooooooooooh boy...

SO MUCH IS GOING ON!!!

first off, we've decided not to buy a house... sad. but once we added EVERYTHING up, it was DOable, just not wise, we felt. So we decided to RENT a house... any ideas? :S NOT easy to find a house from over 1000 miles away! We're both disappointed, but i KNOW that we will be way more ready to buy our home in 2 or 3 more years. Once justin is out of the military, i'll hopefully have a decent job, and we'll have a better idea of where our finances are and will be. So now we are full swing into trying to find a place to rent. We only about about 3 to 4 weeks... so the pressure is on. :S eek. i'm going to start gathering boxes in the next week or so and will start packing things up. big goals for someone is hadn't even packed up CHRISTMAS DECOR! Good heaven... i've got a lot to get done. ugh. We're also kinda hoping that justin's best friend will make the trip and spend the week before hand with us... helping us pack, load the truck, and then help take shifts in driving. My dad thinks it's silly... but i'd like HIM to be the one in the car with Nathaniel in the back seat for about 20 hours, 4 hours at a time over 2 days! HA! isn't gonna work, sorry. And it's actually cheaper to drive both the car and thhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4766541138497762412e truck rather than rent the equipment to tow the car... plus i'm not real comfortable having Nathaniel in the front seat of the UHaul truck... even if he is in the car seat. :S

secondly we're thinking about taking advantage of a great Disney deal through the military. i know, i know... go to Disney World, but can't afford a house? ok the only reason we're even THINKING about it is because Justin gets in free, i can get in for only $99, and we get 40% off our stay at a Disney Resort. :) sweet deal huh? i'm pretty excited... we still need to save some money, but with a little of our tax returns, plus what we'll be saving from living at home in iowa... we should be able to pull it off. :)

Nathaniel is walking around... not great, but pretty well. :) it's SO cute! he also has tooth #2 poking out! YAY! Thats about it for now... i know, my blog is way boring compared to everyone else's... but oh well. this is me... pretty straight forward, laid back... ya know. ;)

Motivate Me Monday~ God of this City

I get goosebumps every time i hear this song or see this video. And with the events of tomorrow... i hold this truth close to my heart.

God of this City
By Chris Tomlin

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of these nation
You are

You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things
Have yet to come
And greater things
Are still to be done in this city

For greater things
Have yet to come
And greater things
Are still to be done here

My Hubs **ROCKS**

My husband is pretty darn amazing all around... really. He makes me laugh, makes me melt, makes me sure, and makes me proud. He's not perfect... there are things about him that drive me NUTS and that i pray God to touch... but he makes me happier than anyone else ever has and ever could, and i know that God directed our lives just so we would find one another.

The think i want to highlight this week though... is the fast that he's in the United States Navy. This past weekend we celebrated the Commissioning of his ship... the ship he is stationed to... the George H.W. Bush. It was a huge event... justin's 2 sisters, mom, and niece all came from Iowa, families flooded the area, and when the day came... 20,000 people attended the ceremony. As i sat there with my Mother In Law and sister in laws and watched our men line the deck and salute those of us who might not be IN the military, but who live the life and sacrifice all the same... i couldn't help but be so proud.

I honestly don't like the military all that much... i'm glad that some people like it, and support our troops with all my heart... but i hate living the life myself. but on saturday... i felt so great knowing that we were a part of this huge group that makes this country work, that promotes unity, and shows the world what we stand for. I couldn't see my husband... but i imagined him standing on that flight deck at attention and saluting. and i was so proud... he has done something i never could. He pushed himself through Boot Camp, he gets up at 5am every day and goes to a job where he is demanded to show respect to others... while he himself gets very little respect... he works around a loose and ever-changing schedule... and he sacrifices time with his family to go out and move the ship forward with time out to sea. He has even decided to live out here alone... so that we can invest in a home, and i can go and finish school. it breaks my heart... but trust him.

He is an amazing man... he loves me, he loves our son, and he loves this country. I absolutely adore him. :)

MHR Questionier...

I always love doing things like this... it makes me think, and along with allowing others to get to know ME, i get to know myself a little better too. :) This is a little questionier that runs along side the "My Husband Rocks" movement. Enjoy and pass it on!


1. Where did you meet?
We met at our job... we worked at a local grocery store, Fareway. He was a little bog boy, and i was a checker. :)

2. How long did you date b/f you were married?
Not long... we knew each other from Oct. 2005-May 2006, when we started dated. We then dated from May '06-Dec. '06 when we got married. And we have been married for 2 years now. :)

3. What does he do that surprises you?
he loves to cook and is GOOD at it! and often offers to cook dinner for us... i love it! :)

4. What is your favorite quality of his?
His faithfulness... i have NEVER seriously had a 2nd thought about him being unfaithful. :)

5. What is your favorite feature of his?
oh my... everything! he's a hotty... what can i say? i serioulsy don't know if i could pick one thing about him that i love more than the rest of him... ok, i'll say his voice. i STILL melt. :)

6. Does he have a nickname for you?
Nope... i kinda wish he had a pet name for me, but he's just not into them. But i love it when he says my name... like i said, i melt... i melt into a big ol' puddle of lovey ooze! :)

7. What is his favorite food?
Stuffed Peppers... but honestly i'm not sure. He loves all food... Pizza, Meatloaf, hamburgers in general... lol i know his LEAST fav. food... sausage!

8. What is his favorite sport?
paintballing... i know it's not the norm. but he's really not into football, baseball, or basketball that much. But he loves paintball!


9. When and where was your first kiss?
our fist kiss was actually about a week before we officially started dating... so the first week of May... like the 3rd, i think. We were sitting in his car in my grandparent's driveway. :) i LOVED our first kiss... I kissed HIM, and he was totally shocked... SO shocked in fact that he didn't move at all. *sigh* so cute.

10. What do you like to do together?
watch movies, cook...

11. Do you have any children?
We have one... Nathaniel James. He was born on March 21st, 2008... so he is now 9 months old. We LOVE being parents.

12. Does he have a hidden talent?
He's REALLY good at cooking. Also... he can sing, he's just shy about it so he never does. :P

13. Who said "I love you" first?
he did... i literally pinned him down and teased him til he admitted it. but i was mean... i didn't say it back for a long time... i wasn't ready, but he was amazing and waited. *sigh* he is amazing.

14. What is his favorite type of music?
Country... or Rock... :)

15. What do you admire most about him?
He fought for me against everything... my broken heart, my fear... he totally won me over with his devotion to me.

16. Do you think he will read this?
IF and only IF i show him... :) lol

MY HUBBY ROCKS!

Today i want to share yet another reasons why my husband rocks...





One thing i love about my husband is that he kisses me goodbye almost every morning before he heads to work, it's SO sweet...

i may expand on it later... but right now i have my inlaws here and i have to wake up at about 5am tomorrow. ;) Goodnight!

my little experiment...

hm... so, justin and i have always kinda had this "battle" between us... we have a very unbalanced need of intimacy between the two of us, and you'd think that the woman (me) was the one totally fine going awhile without any "mommy-daddy" time... but on the contrary! Justin is the one just wanting to CUDDLE... and usually HE'S the one who decides when we have ANY kind of lovey. kissing or anything else... this left me feelings a little jaded, a little unneeded/unwanted at times, and just plain dejected. It seemed totally unfair that HE got to call the shots in this area... (and i'm NOT just talking about mommy-daddy relations!) i was getting frustrated because Justin's really just naturally NOT very touchy... while i AM! if you know me... i'm huggin' on EVERYONE and their dog! so i'm just a touchy, lovey person normally! but justin is NOT... and often this really leaves me feeling rather cold as i grab my romance book off the bedside table and bitterly read about all the flirting in my BOOK.

so yesterday... justin had been at work for about 36 hours straight... Duty Day. :P So he came home and i decided i was gonna be as fickle as he was normally. Now, it was pretty easy since he brought a friend home with him (thank you very much for letting me know... i was cleaning out our closets in sweatpants, a baggy t-shirt and no undergarment!) AND nathaniel usually makes a point to have daddy's undivided attention when he gets home from work... so any kissing wouldn't have happened anyway. But once nathaniel was content and our friend was gone (about 2 hours later! :P) justin was wanting a kiss... and i just avoided it. Fed nathaniel, played with him, watched some TV, got on the internet... just did my own thing. And he's kinda noticing now that something's up... I start making some dinner and he was helping and kinda getting huggy, wanting a kiss. and i just said i didn't feel like it... that nothing was wrong, but that i just wasn't in the mood to get all kissy and stuff. He's like... "About 10 things are wrong with what you just said!" and i just laughed and said i wasn't feeling it. so he kinda sulked... went and did his own thing after he ate, and i watched TV... thinking he would come into the living room at any moment and DEMAND i kiss him after his long day at work! but no... HE JUST WENT TO BED! Seemed that my plan may have backfired... i hadn't meant at all to upset him... just kinda make a point. :S plus i had wanted to take an uninterrupted shower, and needed his help with nathaniel to accomplish that! BUT i didn't get that, so i just dealt with it and took a shower anyway... called my mom, chatted with her... put nathaniel to sleep, and then curled up in bed, WITH A BOOK (though... not romantic... "1984") and settled in. Woke up this morning to justin up 1/2 an hour early, out in the living room checking things on the computer... i came out, and continued with my distant treatment. he got ready, shaved, got his uniform on, and was at the door... i was NOT gonna let him go off to another full day of work without a kiss! :S

so i told him i loved him... "No you don't!" his playful reply was. and i laughed and looped my arms around his waist, looking up at him, smiling. "Why?" he asked. "Because." i laughed. "Thats not a reason!" he whined. I laughed a little more... "I wanted to give you a dose of your own medicine!" He looked totally flabbergasted! "Well thats a basic!" he exclaimed! "So?" i shrugged.

Anyways... what got me was that he went on to tell me that he'd been really frustrated... he wasn't gonna FORCE me to kiss him, but he hadn't know what to do with himself! "I didn't even want to watch the new Scrubs!" I just thought it was... unexpected how it had affected him, AND how he had handled it. he had totally been beside himself... wandering around the apartment, trying to figure out what to do with himself! it was slightly funny... but i really hoped he would see how i felt those nights with ALL I WANTED WAS TO MAKE-OUT A LITTLE!!!

I read a Bible vs... where it explains that once you're married the wife's body is her husband's, and his body, her's... now i'm not talking about demanding sex here, i'm talking about ALL touchy-feely-lovey stuff. And i know that usually it's reverse... the man wants more, and the woman has a "headache" or is "too tired"... but i'm talking about having that common respect and care for one another in the physical area. Sexually, and other areas... offering to take the kids so your spouse can have a decent SHOWER, for example! ;) AND... knowing when cuddling is enough, too and loving that time together too.

i am praying about this balance... and it IS something we can pray about! who knew sex and the such could be COMPLICATED! ;) never would have guessed it in those nice dating/newly married days!

baby steps...

well, i've kinda-sorta been MIA lately... i just feel like theres not much to blog about in my life... even the holidays left me feeling like i lead the ultimate boring life! lol BUT... i am back and will try to blog more often.

Nathaniel is now 9 months old, has one small tooth, and has taken his first steps and is well on his way to destroying our home even more! Thankfully it was a night where Justin and i were BOTH home and purposely working with him. :) i had the camera and justin was walking with him, then letting go and calling nathaniel to him. lol so he had our undivided attention! He is now trying to stand and walk by himself ALL THE TIME! :) soon he'll be climbing... i don't know WHAT i'm going to do then! i have lots of shelves and bookcases!!!!

Justin and i have decided to have me move home... and we are currently investigating the option of buying a house... applying for a loan, checking out houses, talking to realators. I have mixed feelings about it... excited to be HOME, with family, going to school, and buying a house... BUT, the uncertainty of it all scares me, and the thought of being so far from my husband for so long makes my heart ache. It will not be easy... or fun, really. But things have just kinda fallen into place, and justin feels confident in this decision. I think this takes a lot of stress off his shoulders... and maybe adds it to mine, but i feel like thats ok. It will maybe even be good for me. ??????? But... we were kinda in this limbo, and it was freaking us both out and we really just needed to make a choice. So we did... and we're walking in faith and praying that God is going before us. I intend on spending a lot of time at school, with my family (both sides), and at the gym.

I know that living this far apart for a husband and wife will have very..... touchy, vulnerable, and sensitive situations involved. Our communication will have to be sharp, and we will both have to watch our company. So as much as i love my guy friends... i'm gonna have to be careful about hanging out with them. this is new to me... but out of respect for Justin, i think i should limit hanging out with my guy friends to hanging out in groups, if that. plus, I'LL just feel more comfortable that... i don't want rumors going around Oskaloosa!!!! Just my luck some old lady from my church would see me having lunch with a guy friend and the next day everyone thinks i LEFT my husband in VA and am having a hot affair!!! LOL LOL Pa-LEASE! I just don't want that starting... and i'm not even gonna sit here and preach, "I don't care what other people think!" because i do... i do a lot, and i think we should. When we take on the "I don't care what people think! I'll do what i want!" attitude, thats when people start getting in trouble, and getting hurt. So i'm mostly gonna have GIRL NIGHTS! Which i'm PUMPED about! :D lol

I also want to spend a lot of time at the gym for 2 reasons... 1.) i want to look smokin' hot for my hubby whenever we see one another! HAHAHA! 2.) my ex-very-serious-bf recently got engaged... and i need to look SMOKIN' for that wedding!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! i'm so evil, i know! ;)

and here are some pictures from over the holidays! :)